AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

You say this is all her faultOP and at some point she will have to take responsibility for her life, but...

Is she simply a product of her environment?

Was 'getting an education' a priority in your family? What support did she receive to do well in school?
Did she have chores growing up that shaped her to be industrious, clean and cooperative?
Was she enrolled into Guides or any activities that helped her learn some skills?
Did she grow up in abject poverty and may in fact be depressed?
Has she grown up in an environment where no-one works, but everyone spends, so she thinks money grows on trees?
Does she have a dad or other extended family members who encourage her to strive?

I think there is a whole lot of missing information given what you've written.

Actually OP, sorry I'd have to agree with this. She need to be in education or work and while she's looking for work she can help you as well as have a volunteer job. When she's a loser at 30, she'll be blaming you so best you help her to help herself now.

She’s 19 coming home at 2am is normal, you need to accept that.

not doing anything all day isn’t , she needs a job.

if she’s depressed she should go to the doctor.

what mindset is that - applying for UC as one doesn't have a job. Whenever I had no job, I applied for jobs, not UC.

Sounds like she is the product of her environment - you say yourself you don't work as you have young children - yet you may have to go to the food bank Most people with young children do work.

Where is her dad in all this? You need to give her a deadline to find work or kick her out.

It’s ironic that it’s often stated on here that stories about people claiming benefits unnecessarily/unfairly are made up or only in the Daily Mail but if this is genuine here’s a perfect example.

Don't give her a deadline like 3 months to get a job for two reasons. One it's bloody hard to get a job, especially with no qualifications. The jobs just aren't there. My DD was unemployed for nearly a year and she applied for everything going (she did get a job eventually). Two if she doesn't get a job in 3 months then what? Is OP supposed to kick her out?
Obviously she needs to start job hunting and apply for UC in the meantime. Don't do it for her and don't give her any money. She's just being lazy. Tell her she's responsible for doing the cooking x many days a week for everyone and if she doesn't don't cook for her.
Make a rule of no food upstairs and if she leaves dirty dishes in her room, hide the clean ones until she brings them down. Make her responsible for doing her own washing and just leave her to it if she has nothing to wear.
Basically force her to grow up a bit. I mean you can kick her out, shes over 18 but I would try being firm first.

Can she help caring for her grandma and the siblings if she doesn't get a job so you can return to work?

My DDs had to get part time jobs at 17 whilst at school/uni to fund their social lives as I couldn’t afford to. After uni I gave them until September to start paying rent. Eldest increased her hours at the part time job until she found her job in nii November and younger one got a job for September.

You need to sit down and explain she needs to pay her way, she gets a job and contributes to bills and she pays her way. And she needs to start contributing to the the house by doing house jobs. Give her a time frame and be clear she will need to look for somewhere else to live. I hope you are not giving her money currently.

Don't let her go on a benefit. She sounds inherently lazy and it will be too easy, the next thing she'll be pregnant so she can claim more. I also don't understand why the first solution is to go on a benefit rather than look for a job.

I know it’s area dependent but is it impossible to get any job? My DDs have worked at Costa, Vodja Revolution, McDonald’s, primark between them during uni and after until they found long term jobs.

Apart from suggesting a benefit as a viable first option, I think people are being a bit unfair on OP and making a lot of assumptions. Some of you might also be in for a shock one day.

I know plenty of people who have PhDs, are highly qualified or skilled, have a great work ethic, always supported their kids, and still had issues with a child that age. There's no magic formula.

She needs a mother who parents her and places expectations, obligations and limits on her behaviour.

I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

That tells you everything you need to know. She knows that if she ignores you you will clean up after her.

Stop doing this and enforce your rules.

I don't think anyone is intending to give OP a hard time, more a reality check so she's not stuck with this terrible behaviour. A 19 yo who does nothing, leaves their dirty dishes in their room and demands meals is on the very extreme of brat behaviour

Yes, I just don't think it's fair to assume that OP caused this behaviour. Kids can be brats all on their own.

Sure to some extent, but now it's up to OP to see what she'll tolerate. To be honest, I'm more concerned if something isn't done soon the DD future is doomed (speaking from experiencing my spoilt neice, although she was nowhere near this bad. Didn't work for two years, lived at home, did no housework and spent her benefit money on alcohol and Shein).

Your house, your rules.
She doesn’t get to come and go as she pleases - that’s ’own home’ privileges. If she wants her own home, she needs to work and save for it.
At your house, she’s treated like a child whilst she behaves like one. None of this leaving plates where they’re finished with, unless she wants to be treated like a child.
She can also get a job. Very easily, there’s plenty out there. And then she can contribute rent. Perhaps when she realises life isn’t a free ride anymore, she might fix up and do better.

But isn’t the suggestion of a benefit as a viable first option, indicative of why there is an issue?

To encourage sitting in bedroom, lethargic and lazy whilst having money paid into your account?

OP is encouraging that!

YANBU to feel angry that she’s wasting her life and potential, as well as making things harder for herself.

She does sound a bit lazy and spoilt but getting angry about it won’t help.

Supporting her with things like the apprenticeship application is going to also help you in the long run.
You can tell her to choose the course and you can fill in the details and just have her fill in a small amount - yes it’s annoying because she should do it but she’s not right now.

My DDs a nightmare for taking dishes to her room and leaving them there so when I call her down for dinner she needs to bring a used dish with her and if she forgets she needs to go back and get it.

Is she allowed friends round?
This may encourage her to keep her room clean.

Her coming in late is ok as she is a young adult now but there needs to be respect still.

I completely get your frustration but you need to be careful as it one hand you’re expecting her to be an adult and seems to have no rules but in the other you’re giving her rules about being out too late etc.

Can you say before she goes out she needs to do X or Y (bring a couple dishes down, choose her course etc it doesn’t have to be big things).

Have you tried talking to her?

Asking her WHY she does nothing all day? Asking her why she isn't getting a job? Asking her why she doesn't move her dirty plates etc?

Absolutely baffles me when parents complain about their teen kids, but havnt even attempted to have a proper conversation with them to find out the issues. Just get mad at them because they expect them to magically be responsible adults out of no where.

It’s not working and you know it. Working is bringing in a wage.

Just re-reading the OP, she does sound spoiled but also the things around failing the course and the apprenticeships maybe she's now disheartened and doesn't see the point anymore. Was there a reason she was failing, did she find it hard to keep up with the material etc? There's probably multiple factors at play here

she needs to cook for the family
write out a CV
apply for jobs
what job does she want to do?

the first step is not claiming benefits
the first step is job searching

She sounds like a product of her own environment.