AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

I didn't think you could claim UC as a young adult living with and supported by parents, or claim very much at all at the age of 19, unless there is a disability. Googling seems to support this. Years ago I tried to sign on after university and was laughed out of the office because I lived with my parents.

Your situation sounds dire OP. I really think you need to consider looking for work yourself. I totally agree that your daughter should be working, but the reality is that you can’t rely on that right now because she’s clearly not in any rush.

You have to help yourself and your younger children, not sit and wait for someone else to.

I did exactly this! Three kids - worked 2 jobs AND studied for a degree. Mon/Fri worked as a TA - hours fitted in around my children. Weekends spent working in retail. Prior to that I went to college in the evening - LONG days…However, you have to think about the future. Very soon all your children will grow up - what will you do financially then? Worst still you are looking at a very bleak old age with no pension. STOP making excuses - better yourself. Oh and I had to apply for student loans that I pay back through my deductions.

Yes they are allowed to. Some posters have already advised they told their teens to apply whilst between jobs. OP needs to support their teen towards employment but is struggling to get their teen to listen as part of universal credit you have to prove you are job hunting attend appointments, the job market isn’t great at the moment and a lot of people are finding they can’t just walk into a job. The job centre who manage These claims can signpost extra help with cvs, interviews, apprenchips etc etc. in the scheme of things not everyone stays on benefits so not sure why so many people are against this especially where OP is in a low income household. There is a difference between in study university and unemployment whether you live in your parents house or not.

Of course low income families can claim UC when they are 18.

Tell her to get a job, start paying you rent and she must clear after herself or you’re going to make her move out. Give her a hard deadline and stick to it. You’re doing her no favours by going soft on her. And no, she shouldn’t be claiming benefits, she should be working.

You do realise universal credit is a in work benefit it isn’t a choice between benefits or work. 1 in 8 young people between 16_25 are not in work or education that is the real situation you are expecting OP daughter to go straight into employment without support. If you want to educate yourself the bbc recently wrote this.. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cp92218jpryo

Anyone like the OP who's currently living in dire poverty, and dealing with family challenges that would overwhelm the vast majority of people would do well NOT to post about their problems on mumsnet.

Because there are so many absolute arseholes on these boards who are completely unable to understand or empathise with someone who's feeling crushed by their circumstances and by poor physical and mental health.

Good morning, all.

We're popping in with a reminder that people often post on Mumsnet during dark times, looking for support - please do bear that in mind when posting.

OP, we're sorry you're feeling so low. There could be some helpful links for you on our Mental Health web guide, so do feel free to take a look: https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

We hope things improve for you soon.

Though my youngest just found out coucil runs a NEET program - for 16-19 - so maybe there something like that in your area?

https://reallyneetproject.co.uk/programmes/
https://runwaytraining.co.uk/reconnect-programme/
https://prospect-training.org.uk/you-could-be.html

There are clearly other groups running them as well - I know it doesn't help with the money aspect but could give her some support to get into employment.

Hi @JustSamantha I haven’t caught up fully but since my last post here about where might have resources, I think you’ve mentioned she likes the idea of studying to become a pharmacist? Have you got any further with that, I’m sure there must be some places to go for help! Back when I was younger there was Connexions but I think that’s well gone by now haha 😂

Don’t make her a burden on the taxpayer by encouraging what is clearly a lazy young woman from getting a job and contributing financially. If there’s no work nearby she needs to travel to find some.

How do you expect someone with no income to pay for the travel to find a job you are missing the point OP is in a low income household. The daughter can claim and look for jobs at the same time and is it not a burden to reach out for support she is entitled to, it is not burdening the tax payer as if she gets a job through government help in the long term she will cost the tax payer less than if she is on benefits long term.

I see you are worried about finances OP. It is not unreasonable in your situation to be worried. By your 19 year old living with you, you lose entitlement to housing support plus other costs and the loss of child benefit for her as she comes of age. There is simply no other solution than that she must work and contribute to stay at home. You need to spell this out and yes it is annoying to the taxpayer but if she claims money then she will be under pressure to find work from someone other than you. At the same time you have to think about making her more responsible and pay her way so you are less put upon by her. In this freed up time you need to consider your own options: train up, skill up and look for work.

Hi @JustSamantha
I just want to say it sounds like you’re going through a really tough time - so difficult.
your DD sounds hard work and sometime finding the strength to push them and still guide them is really hard when you don’t have a partner. I do think teen girls really benefit from a loving father to boost them.

I often find MN threads so supportive but this one is not so good. Skim through and choose the common themes of advice. Generally people seem to be saying that in a calm but firm way you need to keep up the boundaries with your dd so she either finds work or goes on benefits where they help her find work, so she can help pay her way a bit.

wishing you every luck @JustSamantha xx

My son will likely never work or pay tax. He's got two chronic, life limiting conditions. Would you also refer to him as a 'burden on the tax payer'?

What about old people? Are they also a 'burden'.

Honestly - what prompts you to make such a hateful comment to another parent?

OP's DD is fully able bodied and healthy.

The issue is whether people who claim benefits are a 'burden on the tax payer'.

The OP has given no indication that the daughter isn’t anything other than a lazy young woman. No mention of any conditions or disabilities. I do not fancy subsidising a healthy 19 year old woman who seems to prefer to fuck about rather than take steps to support herself and her family.

I'm sorry to hear about your DS, but I think you're just arguing semantics now. PP was refering to OP's DD who is physically healthy.

Yes, healthy, working age people (like the OP's DD) who choose to sit around all day whilst claiming UC are most definitely a burden on the tax payer.

People in positions like your DS obviously aren't.

Elderly people who have worked all their lives and are now retired, obviously aren't.

Surely you must understand this?

That's really nasty! It's great your kids could get part time jobs and are now working. It doesn't mean you are a perfect parent and can slag off other parents.
I find it sickening that grown ups come on MN just to bully other parents. I hope you also taught your DDs to have sympathy for people who aren't as lucky as them but from your attitude I doubt it.

Where have I said I was perfect? And yes, I will always criticise any parent who has neglected to install a good work ethic in their healthy, able bodied children.

Criticism doesn't have to be so barbed, viscous, and rude, though. You can criticise someone/thing without vile personal attacks. Especially when said criticism is based on an assumption of a stranger's life and actions borne of a couple of paragraphs on the internet. Are you always this mean to strangers?

Absolutely this. The snotty superiority from some here is palpable. Those accusing OP of encouraging her DD to a life on benefits would do well to put their bias to one side for long enough to read her posts properly. She has tried to encourage DD to get a job, to no avail. DD is absolutely entitled to claim UC and pay her way at home, and the consequence of that will be that she will be required to look for work and won’t be able to duck out of it so easily.