AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

Do not give her a single penny more. Stop paying for her phone etc. feed her from what is in the fridge that you cook for everyone else but if she wants anything else it’s time to be an adult and earn it and buy it.

Invest an hour in helping her to claim universal credit online as once in that system the only way she will get any money from them is to meet the commitments of looking for work and get a job. It will make her get a job as without it there will be no money. They will not give it to an able bodied 19 year old unless they do their bit and meet the work commitments. They can be the big bad wolf not you then making her get a job .

talk to her re. House rules. Explain you are an adult, I love you but I am not parenting you like a toddler. You have to pull your weight. Explain expectations of her doing own washing and washing up of plates and snacks etc . Don’t do her washing, if it piles up - just leave it / put it on her bed. if she leaves her plates / rubbish around - put them on her bed too. Make it clear - this is your responsibility not mine. If she is not pulling her weight you tell her she will need to move out. Sat it and mean it. Also conversation that she has to pay rent - be that x% of her uc or a wage. Non negotiable due next month etc do she better get going on job hunting.

you have to show some tough love here - she needs to get the message that you get out of life what you put in and she is now an adult and that means looking after her own things and going her chores and looking for work and paying her way.

a serious chat is needed and make it clear, my house, my rules. If she doesn’t like these rules - she has the option to live out. She is too comfortable at the moment and you need to be firm to help her progress to adulthood

Be a parent.
Stop enabling her behaviour.

You need to reflect on how you have parented her from the start to make her like this and then urgently change the way you are bringing up the others as if things don't change you may well end up with several offspring like this as your post mentions other siblings.

I agree with this too @JustSamantha
all I would add is not to escalate into screaming matches. When she gets angry or shouts - keep calm don’t speak or argue - just take a deep breath and wait for the shouting to stop.
Keep saying “if you’re not happy, you’re welcome to move and live somewhere else, but whilst you’re here, this is what is happening from now on” …

Good luck OP x

I'm surprised that it's even within contemplation that she should claim universal credit. If anything suggest you sit down together and apply for apprenticeships not UC!!!!

She's 19 and needs to start to learn that actions have consequences.

You don't go to work, you have no money.

You don't try at college, you have no prospects.

You don't clean your room, you have no dinner provided.

It sounds like she has been bought up in a low aspiration poor household and she needs a serious kick up the arse otherwise before you know it she'll be pregnant.

I'm guessing the boyfriend doesn't work either.
No wonder the country is going bust!

OP may need to go to food banks The first step is therefore Universal Credit with a large percentage going directly to OP.
She will have to show the jobs she has applied for or be sanctioned and the money stops. It does need to be daughter - if she won’t do it within X time then yes you need to say and mean that she must leave.
The claim would also reveal if the daughter is ill as to avoid sanctions she will have to provide fit notes.
Then at the same time showing you as well what jobs she has applied for if not more consequences.

I still have to baby her

That should read:

I still choose to baby her

As she's 19 and only just left education I assume you're claiming UC for her already, if she claims herself she will get less than you get for her now and the child benefit will also stop. The UC will continue to be paid until the last day of August, she needs to find a job before then or she will have to claim and she'll have to do it herself. Until she finds a job she can take on half the domestic duties.

Well she’s grown up in a household where you don’t have to work 🤷🏼‍♀️

I understand you’re struggling but these are a product of your own choices. I stopped having kids when I couldn’t afford more. I worked my ass off to be able to provide for the ones I did have. I made sacrifices at a young age so I could have secure housing.

Guess what, my own mother was left in tatters when her husband killed himself with no life insurance and masses of debt. She worked, by herself with three kids. She constantly retrained to build herself a better future.

You’re enabling her bullshit.

It’s probably too late now to undo the ingrained attitude.

Surely if she applies for Universal Credit they will expect her to be seeking employment? She should have a job coach and will need to keep a record of everything that she has done that week to find a job.

You needs to stop subsidising her. Don't give her any money and I would stop cooking for her.

As she is an adult, you can tell her to leave. Are you scared of her? Her behaviour seems extreme if she is trashing your home when she is challenged.

Watching with interest

Sounds like she is in free fall.
Have you helped her look for work? Does she know how? Is she convinced that she is a failure and unemployable?

This sounds very much like me at that age. I had ADHD and Autism but I had no idea. I couldn’t complete school work, forms, even signing on to universal credit (or equivalent) was too complicated. I lived on my own and spiralled out of control and ended up in a very bad way.
My parents did not understand that I wasn’t a typical 19 year old - I was mentally about 13.
She potentially needs more guidance and support.
I would help her get a job at a local supermarket or similar. I appreciate you’re under a lot of pressure but get a careers advisor to speak to her and help her with forms etc. she can retake her course later but for now she needs to learn basic life skills, build routine and needs more support. That doesn’t mean pander to her.

A couple of my siblings were lost like this just kind of floating after failing academically. I think everything you’ve said sounds normal to me because I’ve seen it. I don’t know if it’s typical for others. However all of them now have jobs many years later. My mother had to really push them into the first role and help them acquire it by helping with cv’s etc, but once they got over that they seem to be fine now.

I wouldn’t be kicking her out, she’s not taking drugs or drinking. She just seems to lack direction and probably feels like a failure.

As an adult with years of experience in minimum wage jobs, I'm finding it impossible
Walked into my local Tesco the other day, with a huge banner up saying 'recruiting now' went home and applied at 3.20pm
Had an email at 7pm saying I was unsuccessful
I've even applied for McDonald's and they've said no
Fair enough a 19 year old with no experience might have more luck as McDonald's especially are good for training people up and helping their career but it really is slim pickings

Claim UC? Why? She's a grown adult who should be working. Not a child.
Don't buy her anything at all.
Stop paying her phone bills.
Stop buying any food that she likes, if she asks why just say you cant afford it.
Point her in the direction of job shops.

Same here. I've applied for over 300 jobs this year and only had one interview!

Most I'm not hearing back from at all, and the few I do, I get the standard "you don't meet our requirements" type email. Which is baffling as one of those jobs was as a cleaner at Travelodge!

My 17 year old also got a knock back from Tesco the other day, didn't even get an interview.

But the OPs daughter hasn’t even tried….. so in her area and with her age, skill sets etc may be successful.

But no UC is the go to option.

The most sensible comment so far.

Ok, you can be depressed and go out to see friends. Something like that is highly motivating, looking for a job or cleaning up isn't. So that's a possibility.

She can claim UC and look for a job, in fact you're meant to be looking for work to get it, so they aren't mutually exclusive. She would get it. Unskilled jobs are hard to get right now and she's unlikely to get full time hours straight away, so UC would top up the shortfall (1 in 8 young people in this age group are currently unemployed).

Your situation sounds pretty dire OP, though you don't give details. But just because she is 19 doesn't mean she doesn't need parenting, just a different kind. Be supportive but firm - help her get started. Job hunting is the priority. The lack of motivation at college could be depression, anxiety or despair. Now she needs your support to get started on the job search. A lot can be done online and you could go out to the nearest shopping street and look for ads in windows with her.

She needs a CV to take / send in. They dont just give out jobs. Maybe she needs support to put that together. However few qualifications or experiences, they need to be on there along with any voluntary work or babysitting she may have done. She needs to email/ phone to follow up on anything remotely interesting.

My two struggled at this age but both have jobs now. The one who just turned 20 has two. Neither are great with chores or tidiness but that isn't uncommon with this age group and it's getting there gradually.

Focus on the job hunt first.

UC?!!! I despair! She needs a job. Tell her if she doesn't get a job by x date then she no longer gets wifi nor her clothes washed and she gets chores to do around the house.

For people saying ‘ why are you encouraging her to apply for UC, why would you want her to do that ‘

i dont but she needs money to support herself and if she’s applying for jobs and not getting even an interview where is she meant to get money to support herself ? I can’t do it all I’m already struggling
I thought claiming UC they could help her find work apprenticeships ect and give her the kick she needs as she’s not listening to me
I didn’t tell her to apply for that to continue to sit all day !

snd ppl saying why am I not working and being a role model don’t know my life and I’m not getting into It but n no it having a role model is no excuse to do nothing that is in fact enabling her further

she’s got no children no other responsibilities no ill health there is no excuse

and yes she shoulf be making a contribution to the house hold not half the bills as someone said and made me look like the bad guy but yes she should be contributing because why should she live here have all food provides ect and not contribute at 19??

Unfortunately she’s a product of her environment. She sees you out of work, with multiple children (and I guess you claim benefits you are entitled to) why should she get off her backside and do any different?
Having children and caring for elderly relatives is something that thousands of working mums do too.

Shes 19 and needs help navigating how to apply for jobs and do her CV. She might not have a clue what to do. This is the first thing to address.

Has your DD ever observed you going to work and being career focused and driven?

At the moment what female role models does she have in her family? Do any of them work?

I helped my DC reach the goals they set themselves after them observing their parents and wider family working and juggling family life (young children and elderly relative caring duties). They are at Uni living independently a house share but we still support them financially, emotionally and practically because we want them to succeed. It is a massive strain on us as a family but we do it in the hope they reach their goals and live a purposeful productive life. All you seem to want to do is tell your DD to apply for UC. 19 is so young to be trapped in the benefit cycle.

You have no idea about my life there os other factors I won’t go into about myself

I have anothr 18 year old she’s got 2 jobs and goes to uni so don’t dare blame me as if that was the case my other adult child would be the same

can’t say it’s ok just coz I don’t work that’s ridiculous