AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

I won’t be asking advice on Mumsnet again I came here asking advice about my 19 year old daughter not have myself belittted about my own life my life is very different to hers she shad no responsibilitys
my life has been very different to hers why belittle me and blame me when I’ve asked for advice there is no excuses for not doing nothing just because your mother doesn’t work
her dad works she’s seen him working but we are not together as he abused me mentally and physically
I will be deleting my net mums account no one gives advice they just put ppl down on here

I know too many 19 year olds that have behaved in a similar way. Despite their seemingly apparent laziness, they were not having their best lives in their bedroom doing nothing. They didn't want to sign on - only did so when it was forced upon them and that helped some of the. One young man was forced to work in a charity shop - it was the opportunity he needed. The work coaches at the DSS are a pain for them but often they are exactly whats needed.
OP you sound overwhelmed - you have not expected enough from your 19 year old - it's time for some gently spoken, tough love. No need to shout, tell her what you need from her, stop being a household slave, change the internet password, do not cook for her unless she does what you have asked.

Exactly this. It’s a joke that nobody goes out and looks for work these days.
is UC so easy to get?

A. She isn’t eligible for uc until September B. She has to apply then go there to sign on (they might give her the kick she needs though) and C. She needs to apply for jobs not benefits, Indeed is good starting point.

it is concerning however you have so many children you don’t have enough rooms or money? How old is your youngest? I know you are a carer too but dc take their lead from parents and if you aren’t in paid work she might assume she doesn’t need to either (yes I know caring is hard but most of us work and are carers)

I think OP is getting a really hard time here. Lots of prejudice.
We know nothing about OP’s work history, state of health, extent of her caring responsibilities. It’s not fair given that to criticise her for not setting an example by working. Also her daughter does need some income while looking for work.

As for applying and not getting interviews through, your DD needs to be more proactive than that OP. She needs to be out walking from shop to shop and introduce herself to the managers, ask if they have any vacancies or if not to keep her on their list. Once they meet her if she can present reasonably well it helps.

Do not apply for UC for her, and don’t give her any money.

She knows that were she to get even a level 3 apprenticeship she is required to attend college and turn up for work? Does her bf work or are they slacking off together? Agree wherever she gets funds to go out, phone etc needs to stop. Uc won’t pay much if anything to a teen living at home so working is the only way forward.

What does she want to do? What was the apprenticeship in?

It sounds like life is pretty hard for you at the moment @JustSamantha. Unfortunately a lot of 19 year olds won’t see that.

I’ve found this age stage the hardest to parent. You’re not so much in control of their choices but you still often have to support them financially to degree but you’ve lost the UC support for them so your own household budget is stretched more. Even if they are working it’s often on lower wages than an adult will get.

My 19yo has just finished college, she is working but it is zero hours as that fit for college better but she’s struggling to get offered a contract job. She is fairly independent but needs help with things like her MOT. She needs her car as our bus service is dire where we live. She can’t easily work without having it.

I’ve found once they are around 21 everything seems to settle down and you can finally step back from parenting them in the direct way.

I have anothr 18 year old she’s got 2 jobs and goes to uni so don’t dare blame me as if that was the case my other adult child would be the same

She lives in an overcrowded home where the only parental model doesn't work and likely claims benefits, and wants HER to claim benefits too. You've also now said her father was abusive.

Yes, I'm sure there are reasons for your choices, as you say, but these are not good indicators for a strong work ethic for your daughter.

It's good that her father and sister work though. Perhaps they would be better placed to advise her on job applications and interviews since they may have a better idea than either of you about the local job market currently?

Do you get money from the dad for the youngest DC?

If your DD isn’t working you need to give her responsibility in the house, to lighten your load. Has she ever worked? Does she know you are having to go to a food bank? Can the DD at uni speak to her if she won’t listen to you?

I'm sorry that you didn't get the advice and support that you were looking for, OP. MN can be blunt at times, but there is actually a huge amount of support on here for people in tough situations.

The thing is, your dd's behaviour doesn't exist in isolation. You've clearly had a difficult time, so I'm not pointing the finger because I don't know anything about your life, but it's easy to see from what you've written that your dd must have had a tough start to her life, so it perhaps isn't surprising that she has so far failed to launch.

It sounds like she needs help applying for jobs. That isn't a crime, lots of kids will need this help to get started. It isn't clear as to whether you have the capacity or the skills to help her though. I wonder if there might be any charities locally that help young people develop employability skills/ get into work?

Tell her to apply to a care home. They will train her and she’ll work hands on with people who will guide her

Universal credit is only 330 a month or less (i can't remember) but by applying for it she will be expected to look for work and in the meantime will have some money

'its all her own fault'

No it isn't, you are the parent, you are accountable.

The replies on here are so harsh.

Shes living like this because you’ve allowed it. Sometimes it’s easier to just make dinner and bankroll than take the time to make a real plan for change.

Something isn’t right with your daughter and personally I’d be trying to get to the root cause of that not getting her a job at Sainsbury’s or McDonald’s as a solution.

You need to take the time and effort to take baby steps with her becoming more responsible and find out what could motivate her to make something of her life through discovering what she wants to study.

She should not apply for UC. The system is already broken. The benefits system was never intended for people who just couldn’t be arsed to work. She needs to get a job, right now. My 19yo who is at uni and on summer holidays has got up at 7am to go to his full time summer job today, as he does every weekday. And he’s autistic so this is hard for him. But he does it. As should your dd.

Have you not had conversations with her over the years about how adults can have adult benefits such as freedom etc., but with it come adult responsibilities such as funding their own life? She has to be self-sufficient. You've let this slide to this point so it'll be incredibly hard to pull her back into "normal" now but you have to make it clear that your role in life is not to fund people who have reached majority whilst they lounge around doing nothing. That's no-one's job. It's her future and she gets to choose it, but you don't offer unrealistic options.

I don't agree with this! When my 19 year old son left college the first thing i did was help him claim universal credit!! Why is that such a bad thing? Hes actively seeking work but as we all know the job market isn't great and why should he go skint?

This. She also needs to sort dinner for the family a couple of nights a week (at least) do her share of housework etc. you need to put boundaries in place. i.e. you need to find a job, pay keep etc. it's no good ranting. Boundaries and repercussions if she doesn't get off her arse.

What was she training for at college? I don't think putting her in a full-time dead-end job at 19 is the answer. What sort of work interests her?

HALF the household bills? Are you out of your mind? She should provide for herself. She should not subsidise her mother or her siblings.

OP: Tell her that you expect her to have a job in 2 months. Outline the consequences of what will happen if she does not. Change the wifi password and stop her phone plan unless she's making an effort with job hunting.

Again, what did you do to help her pass college? Did you take an interest? Help with work and extra curricular activities or did you just leave her to it and not give her time and attention due to your other commitments?
I disagree with the harsh posters. Sounds like she has been left to fend for herself and needs guidance and encouragement not tough love

With respect OP mention of benefits always brings contentious posters out on mumsnet please disconnect with the worse replies. You are getting advice on here with how to encourage your daughter. Don’t react to people who clearly want to post their opinions but aren’t helpful to you.

Care homes often expect the employee to pay for the DBS check. My daughter was asked to pay an enhanced daily check last week. £16 a day out of her minimum wage. She has two years experience in a hospice as a volunteer, is studying to be a clinician but can only get cleaning work.
Once the OPs daughter starts looking for jobs she will be surprised how hard it is.

The OPs situation is difficult but we only know she has 5/6 children. Was the family wealthy and the ex has hid his money? Often they do. My BFF has spent over a decade in rentals whilst her ex lives in a £1m+ house. However she wasn't married. Perhaps this is the same.

God I hate to say it but kids do what they see. A none working Mum with multiple kids in an overcrowded house with not enough bedrooms. Is her Dad in the picture? Does she have anybody in her life getting up and going to work everyday? It's easy to just fall into a life like that and the cycle continues.

That's honestly not a dig at you OP because I see how it happens and I'm sorry you're having a hard time but kids don't magically turn into productive adults I'm afraid.