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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

252 replies

Cannotdhakefeeling · 02/07/2025 10:19

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

OP posts:
NotoriousRhubarb · 02/07/2025 10:25

You want different things. If you want more children and to marry again, you should stop wasting your time in this relationship.

Or, alternatively, decide that your desire to stay in it is more important than your desire for marriage and more children.

What you absolutely shouldn’t do is stay in the relationship while hoping he will change his mind and resenting the hell out of it.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 02/07/2025 10:26

First reply nails it, there's nothing else to say.

BedlingtonTerrierOwner · 02/07/2025 10:28

As @NotoriousRhubarb said, the worst thing you can do is hang around hoping you'll change his mind. He probably won't, and it's not fair on him, or you, so you need to work out what's most important, and if that's marriage and kids, leave while you still have time.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/07/2025 10:28

If he has always been open and honest about marriage and children and it was the total opposite of what you want then why did you get so far into a relationship with him. That said if you want marriage and more children you have to leave the relationship

Trickedbyadoughnut · 02/07/2025 10:31

He's been clear about what he wants for the beginning. You need to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or whether you can't live with those terms and leave and try to find someone else to marry, possibly have a child with.

ARichWomansWorld · 02/07/2025 10:31

You have a child so it’s a partial box tick. If you want a child more than the man then leave him be. No idea if you will find it. Don’t expect him to change his mind.

ExtraOnions · 02/07/2025 10:31

You have currently wasted 4 years … because you think you should be “grateful” than a man behaves decently, rather that pursue what you want for yourself.

He’s never going to marry you, have children with you, buy a house with you .. if you are happy with a part-time relationship then crack on. Don’t be beholden to a man, just because he not a liar.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2025 10:31

You want different things. Don’t waste either of your time by trying to change him when it sounds like he’s been clear from the start and you’re not happy with what he’s offering.

curious79 · 02/07/2025 10:32

I can understand someone not wanting another child and if you really want another child then you need to break up immediately and find someway of achieving that. Be it IVF, sperm donation etc.

However, I think the bigger issue here is feeling like a guest of an 11-year-old. It means you’re being kept at arms distance and that just won’t change.

Your child will never be their granddaughter. I have a very well integrated second marriage and my father simply does not see my husband’s kids as his grandchildren. Not one little bit. And it works the other way too. I accept that. But as I say above it’s feeling like the guest of an 11-year-old that would rankle

Wishingplenty · 02/07/2025 10:32

He sounds like he has his priorities right, ie his daughter. If only more men were this way. And yes it should be first and foremost his daughter's home if she is only 11 years old. She is entitled to her own childhood home and not to share it with random people.

Original poster
Cannotdhakefeeling · 02/07/2025 10:33

Yep! You are right, first reply does nail it and completely coincides with what my family and friends say with varying degrees of vehemence.

My parents adore him, they said they would have advised me to leave him if I didn’t already have my daughter but to leave him for the chance of having more children would be stupid. Nobody can understand why I want marriage given how the last one turned out.

As for hoping he would change his mind, I definitely hoped he would probably for about two and a half years into our relationship but I know he won’t now. He is 46 .

OP posts:
Hoodedtow · 02/07/2025 10:34

What would you be advising him?

DaisyChain505 · 02/07/2025 10:35

Some people who have been through marriage breakdowns and the stress and trauma of having to sell their house and live separately from their child half the time are too scared to risk having to go through that again.

It sounds like you’re enjoying a nice relationship with him however you need to ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice having another child to stay with him.

In 20/30 years time you may still be with him, you may not be. But you need to picture yourself in both scenarios and ask if you would be able to look back on your life and be happy with the choice of not having another child.

ginasevern · 02/07/2025 10:38

He sounds like a great guy. He's putting his daughter first and made sensible decisions and he's been open and honest with you. You could hold out for "Mr Right" to come along or you could go it alone and have another baby via donor. Just be sure in your mind that the latter decision is right for your existing child though.

pikkumyy77 · 02/07/2025 10:38

Wishingplenty · 02/07/2025 10:32

He sounds like he has his priorities right, ie his daughter. If only more men were this way. And yes it should be first and foremost his daughter's home if she is only 11 years old. She is entitled to her own childhood home and not to share it with random people.

Barf

alexalisten · 02/07/2025 10:39

I think if you was in your 20s id be saying you want different things and to leave him but at 40 even if you left him how likely are you to meet another decent bloke get married and actually be able to get pregnant unless you ridiculously rushed things which you cant do because of your daughter

OneNaiceSnail · 02/07/2025 10:40

pikkumyy77 · 02/07/2025 10:38

Barf

Show quote history

What an intelligent, well thought out reply. Would you care to elaborate on that?

whitewineandsun · 02/07/2025 10:41

If you want marriage again and another child more than you want him, then go try to find it. But don't plan on him changing his mind.

Jonesboot · 02/07/2025 10:42

You want different things, you need to decide whether to stay or go. It would not be fair to expect him to change his happy life when he's made everything completely clear to you. Another child by donation would be madness in my opinion and probably scare him off anyway.

Buxusmortus · 02/07/2025 10:42

It sounds like an ideal relationship to me but obviously isn't what you want. You say he's always been open and honest with you about not wanting marriage and more children so why would you think he would change his mind? I never understand why people who have had failed marriages are so keen to jump into another one anyway.

One thing that stands out is that you seem upset that his parents don't treat your child like a grandchild. Why on earth would they? She is the daughter of their son's girlfriend, not a grandchild at all! As a grandmother, if I was in those circumstances, I can't imagine thinking of or treating the child of a partner of my children as anything like a grandchild, the child would have their own grandparents.

In short your own and your partner's outlooks to the future are misaligned, whether you want to carry on like that is your choice, but don't expect him to change.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/07/2025 10:42

pikkumyy77 · 02/07/2025 10:38

Barf

Show quote history

Why barf? That poster was totally correct

MellowPinkDeer · 02/07/2025 10:43

He’s not your person. Sorry.

nomoreforks · 02/07/2025 10:44

He is not prioritising you in any way. He is prioritising himself. He might have the potential to be a wonderful husband but he is 'just not that into you'. You need to prioritise yourself and your child. If you want to have another child then you can do this yourself or accept having one child only. If he was a nice person he would have told you to go and try to build a life elsewhere. He is wasting your time.

OneNaiceSnail · 02/07/2025 10:45

alexalisten · 02/07/2025 10:39

I think if you was in your 20s id be saying you want different things and to leave him but at 40 even if you left him how likely are you to meet another decent bloke get married and actually be able to get pregnant unless you ridiculously rushed things which you cant do because of your daughter

While true, I don’t think it should be assumed that the only reason that he’s not willing to currently cohabit etc is because of his daughter. He may never be planning on sharing his home with a partner again. I think this is a conversation the op needs to have with him if she does decide to continue with the relationship, what he’s thinking it will look like once the children have grown up. Given that his daughter is only 11, that’s already a lot of years for the op living alone

HellonHeels · 02/07/2025 10:46

OP is living in a studio flat. Hard to believe some posters are encouraging her to conceive again by whatever method!