Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

Why do you think he's wonderful if he doesn't want to marry you or have kids?

Wow, that sounds like a tough spot. It also sounds like you might have settled, and he can't give you what you really want long term. It doesn't sound romantic, more like a situationship.

The worst thing is to have regrets later, so talk to him. You and your daughter are set no matter what, so it's just your and his feelings that matter. Everyone else's advice is all over the place; they don't live your life, you do, and you only get one life.

This.
I know it’s not what you want to hear @Cannotdhakefeeling but………….

Sounds like he isn’t as committed as you are I’m afraid

This is really tricky. My DP doesn't want marriage and kids, but I have two kids (14 & 11) and don't want more, I'm also not looking for marriage, so I'm happy to go with the flow. He broke up with his ex because she did want those things (she was a lot younger than me and had not yet had kids), and ultimately they agreed they weren't compatible in their future plans. It still upsets him as he loved her, but he wonders if he would have been happy as he really doesn't want those things. There's no easy answers here. If he is happy with a long term relationship, just not marriage, that could be a compromise, but I don't know how you would resolve the baby issue

It would be an ideal situation for me but it's not for you, you need to tell him and walk away but there's no guarantee that you will find your ideal man and it will work out as you want.

I did this. Left a relationship after 3 years as DP wasn’t ready for children or marriage. I had always wanted children but the clock was ticking. It was difficult for us both. I was 37, he a few years younger and focussing on getting his career (writing) fully up and running. I thought by actually leaving he might change his mind. He didn’t - though we stayed in touch for some time after - I know he felt bad at letting me down - and he still texts me happy birthday wishes. I am now 65. Never met anyone sadly to have a family life with nor a long-term relationship. He met someone two years after I left. They got married and they have 4 children. He has had an enormously successful career. Just wasn’t meant to be ! Sorry for the ‘me’ story but just to say, as others have, there are no guarantees in life. If not having children and/or getting married to this man will make you regretful then best to leave now. He may come to regret his decision in time but he may not. Single life isn’t so bad. Lonely sometimes yes but there are benefits too and certainly better than being in a relationship that isn’t aligned.

Thanks for sharing your story. You must have had so many mixed feelings about that relationship.

He's using you as a placeholder.

Hi op after reading many, many posts on here about men and their shitty behaviour I would accept he has been honest and get on with it. Tbh I think couples who have this type of relationship have the best of both worlds. Unless your desire for another kid is stronger than your love for him I would keep things how they are now especially for the kids sake. You should feel like a guest at his house it’s not your home and as long as his dc is pleasant to you that is all that matters and if your dc is also happy with this set up. I never understood why people who go through a divorce are so desperate to do it all again.

You have to ask yourself if you will be happy with this man and his daughter. You also have to ask yourself if your daughter would be treated equally with his.

Are upi asking if you should marry him? If you need to ask, then you need to think more about it and not commit yourself and your daughter until you are absolutely sure.

This. I'm in a together but living apart relationship and have been for 9 years It works

I agree with a lot of posters who say this sounds like an ideal set up.

You don’t have a lot of time to decide. By the time you meet someone and they are on board with pregnancy (or even if it is unexpected), you could be 42 or older. And this assuming fertility is not an issue. If you go it alone, it does not mean the pregnancy will be successful immediately. And then if you want a third child, you could be mid-late 40s (again if things run smoothly). You have to think if you have the finances and set-up to support this.

If you do leave, are you prepared that another woman may find this sort of man quite appealing. How would you feel when mutual friends say your ex-partner is going on a romantic holiday with a new flame?

The set up you have with a nice man who has a girl and you have one - it sounds like a great set-up/family situation.

Life hasn’t turned out the way you expected but few people’s lives do. As we go through life, our dreams turn to compromises and that is OK.
Your desires for marriage and more children are emotional, not rational. You have one healthy child. At 40 you have a high chance of not conceiving and a slightly higher chance of conceiving a child with health issues. How would a child with disabilities impact you and your daughter’s lives?
Marriage makes little practical or financial sense when you already have a child. Do you want the marriage to put you on a higher status/ closer connection to him than the 11year-old daughter? You sound in competition with her.
We are always guests in other people’s homes, even if we are very close to them. He is putting his daughter first and you should do the same.
Bear in mind, the ticking of the biological clock can get very loud as we approach our 40s. Is this a factor? Once you know you can have no more children will you feel more peaceful or more bereft?

Also be aware that as his daughter hits her teens, she may become harder to live with. He obviously doesn’t want any disruption to his daughter’s life. You may find separate living arrangements are easier as both DDs get older.
His DD won’t live with him forever and once he has raised her to maturity, he has said he will live with you. Does that not appeal? Is the wait too long?
You have spoken endlessly to family and friends who are all saying the same thing. Perhaps exploring these issues and why you feel the way you do with a therapist would be helpful before making a final decision.
I’ve seen plenty women give up a good thing to chase a dream, only to regret it when the man moves on to someone else. Be really sure of all your feelings before you destroy the stability for yourself and your DD that you have worked so hard to build.

I think you have to make a decision and stick with it; you either accept your partners decision or you end the relationship

@CannotdhakefeelingYour 40! I'm not saying you can't but the likelyhood of getting pregnant, carrying full term, and the baby not having disabilities gets more difficult as you get older.

Do you really want to be going through all the baby, toddler age, and having a teen in your 50s?

Look back without rose tinted glasses on to reality being many years older than your first time.

I think counselling for yourself would be useful. I don't think this is all about your partner either. Usually what seems the obvious issue is very different when you get into therapy.

As your first marriage was abusive I would advise contacting womens aid and asking for counselling through them which is specialised. You are still in the aftermath of domestic abuse which lasts a lifeline. I suspect you're in a delayed grieving process. You may find you have deflected some process of grief into another situation which you can deal with both/all/either or, in therapy.

Yes this is my line of work in recovery services so know whats what, having survived it myself.

Women's Aid link is below. This link is to, women, children, and the aftermath of domestic abuse

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/

He's been honest yes, but is he really as wonderful as you say when he has kept you at arms length for so many years? You've got an easy get out clause from the relationship with I've changed my mind about children but he's got an even easier one as he has absolutely zero tangible commitment to you. Are you each other's first priority and do you have an (imagined) shared future?
I would advise to never settle for anything less than you truly want and deserve but you need to view your situation with eyes wide open, as you are doing. There are never any guarantees in life or relationships. Your prefect scenario could work out or it might not. The question is if you could reconcile your desire to have more children or would you regret it later on? If you stay with him, would you resent him- he's not going to change. Please don't hold out for his crumbs offering of flat sharing in a decade or two.

A red flag that indicates what?

He's said he doesn't want to get married or have more kids. He's not suggesting they buy a property together or interweave their finances. He's always made it plain that his daughter is his priority. He's been consistent about all that throughout.

And when he says they might share the rent on a shag-pad at some point in the future, when they have no immediate domestic responsibilities, you see a red flag?

What's the problem? He failed to specify who'd put the bins out?

OP’s set up is not at all ‘ideal’ for her DC and mean some big drawbacks/risks for her DC.

’My daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest……..We have family holidays’

Totally wrong thread....Too many tabs open.

He has been absolutely straight with you, and at 46 I can clearly see why he doesn’t want another child. So you have two choices: stay and enjoy the ride knowing this is it. This is an entangled as you get. There will be no fairytale wedding or white picket fence. Or, you leave and go and find what you do want. If you really want another child your best chance is to go down the donor route. I’m not sure how that will impact your relationship. He may see you as separate enough units that he’ll take it in gist stride. His priority is clearly his daughter and everything he’s doing is to protect his assets for her.

I would be suspicious as to why he doesn't want children, something in his health perhaps?

Bluntly, why on earth would he want a child? He already has an 11 year old. He has been very clear about not wanting to remarry or have more children.

Then why on earth, if the OP wants another child, does she stay with him?

Well, I agree.