Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

Not what she was saying though, she was just admiring that he put his daughter first. Nobody said he should stay single and why should he live with her if he doesn't want to? You are the only one who is being dismissive and no one was being smug.

I’d say forget the marriage, you’ve been there, but maybe in time he will come round to another child. It’s not unheard of

Your choice Op because he doesn't want what you want. He'll live with you if you're willing to wait 7 years until his DD goes to Uni but even then he won't buy with you.
He can't tell you more plainly that you're the,GF and that's it

I don't think that is the point really. Marriage is not essential to commitment, and a happy relationship can exist without marriage or even living together.

This is very true. An "in law" relative's brother was in a LTR with a woman, acted as father to her child, his parents called child their DGC etc etc but she never moved in with him or wanted a child with him. Said she " just didn't want that again ". They were together 13 years. Then she met someone else and got married and had a child with new guy inside a year. So she did want to do marriage and babies she just didn't want to do them with in law's bro.

Given what your boyfriend was/ is offering you (and not offering) I think it was a mistake for him to spend so much time with each others’ DC. If you continue to date him reduce it to very little time, for DCs’ sake and to accord with his limited level of commitment.

Your odds of meeting someone else and having DC2 if you end the relationship are low, due to your age. But you’re not just unhappy about the DC issue, there is mismatch between your wants. if you end this relationship you’d have more opportunities to meet someone else willing/able regarding the things you would like.

I wonder whether subconsciously you’ve nailed it here.

Wanting another child at your age, with your age gap, really makes no sense. From your updates, he sounds like a really lovely guy.

But you had a really traumatic start to parenting. I wonder if somewhere below the surface you feel robbed of the lovely experience of new motherhood and that’s actually the appeal (but you aren’t aware of it). It’s something worth considering - whether actually your subconscious is chasing a re-do of those (supposed to be) magical first weeks, months etc and you lost that because of the actions of your husband. I realised that I had these feelings and was completely unaware of it at the time - I just wanted another child when it really wasn’t logical, practical or sensible. But those feelings were SO real. When I unpicked it (years on) it was because my early experiences with my daughter were ruined by external things - not my marriage in my case, health issues. Once I made my peace with that, I am very glad that I didn’t have another child.

In terms of feeling like a guest - could this be his attempt to not allow his daughter to feel pushed out? I assume she’s aware that he sees your daughter when she’s not there - maybe he’s trying to ensure he knows she’s still the most important person to him and that he isn’t just living life as if she doesn’t exist for half of the week without considering her place in all of it…

Why would you be potentially renting with him in future and not buying?

The first comment by @NotoriousRhubarb has nailed it.

In the nicest possible way, you don't sound like partners to me. It sounds like you are a girlfriend who sleeps over as a house guest and who could be dropped at a moment's notice with minimal disruption to his life. If you feel you want more commitment in the relationship, that's because you have none - everything sounds as if it's all set up for his convenience and he likes that too much to change things.

This is a very odd set up for your daughter. So she's spending half the week as a guest at her mum's boyfriend's, some time at her mum's house and some at her dad's house? And she's seeing you constantly trek back and forth while he conveniently stays put and gives his daughter the security of a permanent home? Personally I would be worried about what she will absorb from this scenario about how relationships work. She will not learn what truly reciprocal, committed relationships look like from this.

@Cannotdhakefeeling There are 4 people to consider here and what is best for each.

What you have at the moment is great. There are two kids, and everyone is happy with the current set up.

Wanting another child means leaving this current bubble of happiness. Would that make your daughter happy? Would having another baby (sperm donor potentially) make your daughter happy?

And then there's being realistic - what if the baby thing doesn't happen, and you've burst your happy bubble for no reason? I can't see current boyfriend agreeing to stay in the picture until you get pregnant or meet someone else.

If you were miserable and childless then I'd say walk away from your current relationship, as the gamble would be worth it. But as it currently stands, I'd say stay and be happy with what you have.

This is broadly what I was going to say. I would just add that both choices offer risks, there’s never a guarantee of a happy life, but if you direct your attention towards what you have, and your energy into appreciating that, you are likely to feel more contented with it and not keep seeking the next thing.

FWIW I was broody but got a puppy and that cured me of wanting more babies; my dc and the dog have a beautiful relationship very like siblings and the dog slept through much, much sooner than the baby did (and even with insurance is much cheaper, less of a fussy eater, and much simpler in emotional well-being)!!

Furthermore, even if you got the wedding and the baby, there isn’t any guarantee that you would then be happy or contented. Your partner might be difficult to live with full time, be unsupportive of you or favour his dc over yours. You might decide that something else is needed for you to be happy- a new house or something .

Your current set-up sounds really nice- you have the security and comfort of your own home and money, you can enjoy holidays and couple time with your OH as well as a certain degree of social time as a group with your two girls, while not running the risk of forcing them to live together and fall out, be jealous, or be treated differently by one or both of you. You get to control your own life. I love my H, but living with someone does involve compromises even if they’re a wonderful person. Consider that you don’t have to compromise at all when you go back to your house- that’s pretty special.

Doesn't sound vague. Sounds consistent. He has no desire to blend families and he has no desire to be financially intertwined to anyone. Therefore renting when kids are in uni is the logical solution. And totally in line with what he has said.

It is totally fine for op to want to buy a house with her partner, get married, have more kids. But this isnt that partner. And he has been very clear from the start.

The current set up isn’t great for her DC IMO.

If you were 30, never married, no kids I would tell you to leave and find your dream happy ending - big wedding, lovely house, children blah blah blah. But without being brutal, the fairytale ended for you when you got divorced the first time around, nothing to do with your current man. Even if you were to marry him, it would be second marriage for both, kids with different parents, blended family.

He’s been financially burned by the ending of his first marriage, and he’s wary it could all happen again - he could potentially lose 50 percent of what he had left from the last divorce. I can really see his stance. He stands to lose more than you. And that’s compounded by the fact you both had marriages that just fizzled out, no trauma, no cheating, things just didn’t work, he doesn’t want to risk that again but both you and him have met someone you’re happy with and it sounds like you lead a lovely life. I wouldn’t throw that away for the sake of a marriage certificate and another baby. (But I would if you were ten years younger with no divorce and no child).

Could be handing all your child’s inheritance to someone (rather than half) if you marry without securing their future inheritance and die first.

I think you need to take kids off the table to be honest.

The most likely outcome if you leave him to have more children, is you will rush the relationship because your fertility is dictating your timeline, you may end up compromising on some of your values, or being with someone who isn't the best fit for you, or someone like your first husband, and your child and you will be tied to them for a long time.. Do you want that for your little girl too? You need to think of all the possible outcomes, realistically the cons severely outweigh the pros IMO.

If you want marriage and living together absolutely leave now and look for someone else, take your time, there is no rush on that. You don't have to compromise on those things. If they are important to you and you sacrifice them, you will start to resent him when he keeps you at arms length for another 10 years, at any point he could have a change of heart and move the goalposts, or meet someone else who he is willing to compromise for.

His timeline is too far in the future to hold out hope it will materialise, you need to put yourself and your daughter at the forefront of the decisions you make here, not a wishy washy promise of commitment that may never happen.

I think he sounds really sensible tbh. It’s not great for children to have new adults living with them. He is honest and upfront and centering his child.

It’s a shame your DH was shitty but I don’t think your DP family should step up and treat her as a grand daughter, a welcome guest of course but she isn’t their grand daughter and were you to break up she would likely never see them again.

This is entirely your decision and what you will be feeling ok with when waking up every day for the rest of your life. In my books his house is also his daughters house and a divorce is so hard for kids especially if there wasnt a difficult home life. Despite getting your point of feeling like a guest you need to allow for time for healing and adjusting. You might have been together for 4? years but you also need to get that the child comes first and I would have done the same. Based on all of your posts he seems amazing and you sound happy with him. But as everyone else said if you want a child and marriage and you are hoping that he will change his mind because he loves you or in the future maybe you are projecting a lot. I am not saying that this might not happen but at the same time its more possible to not based on how clear he is with things. he has integrated you into his life and he is a part of your life but he is also keeping boundaries. See what you are more ok with giving up? Him or the desire for a wedding and a kid.

I agree.

What jumps out at me is how much you are discussing your relationship with family and friends. If you were truly happy I don't think you would be doing that.
Will you be gutted down the line if you split and you wind up not having any more children? (of course, even if that is true you have a high chance of meeting another man who WILL be happy to tie the knot and build a proper together life with you).
Would your daughter accept it if you went down the donor route do you think? (and could you cope having another on your own ok if you chose that?)
I remember reading Robert Winston saying that most women are still pretty fertile till 42, then there is a drop off; would it be worth you going for a full fertility check up to see how the land lies? - I know these are unlikely to be 100% but this might be good info to have. If it indicates low chance of fertility would you be happier to stay with your partner?
For me personally, I wouldn't be a 'permanent' girlfriend unless it was 100% what I wanted, too.

This.

There are so many posts on here from people who have been sideways disinherited because their parent died and left everything to their step parent.

He probably wants to ensure that what is his goes to his daughter eventually and not to the OP and her daughter.

There are obvious and understandable reasons for not wanting to blend your finances with a second spouse when you have children from your first marriage.

It's a hard one to vote for, I voted YANBU because you're not unreasonable to want what you want but he's not unreasonable either, I totally understand why he feels the way he does. He's already lost a house to his ex, i can see why he never wants to put himself (or his daughter) in that situation again. You can either decide it's a deal breaker for you and move on or learn to be happy with the set up

Exactly — clear communication and honesty with yourself are key. Hoping someone will change rarely ends well.

That’s a fair point. Sometimes we hope things will shift over time, but if core values don’t align, it’s better to step away sooner than later.