Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

If marriage is a deal breaker for you then he isn't for you, however lovely he is. You can't live your life on some vague promise that you might rent together sometime in the future.

I think he is comfortable as things are, you are convenient. In your head it’s a big romance but it’s not to him. He has been straight with you. He doesn’t want another big commitment after his divorce. My worry would be he moves on to someone else in a couple of years and you are heart broken. I think it’s really too late for more children for you and I don’t think he is committed to you long term. I am sorry if this is harsh but it’s my take on things.

Oh I agree he’s rightly putting his child first now, I just think that if he was that into the OP he’d be being a lot less vague about the future.

He sounds like a wonderful father with his priorities in order.

You should feel like the guest of an 11 year old girl because she is the most important thing - and it’s her house. Not yours.

I feel for your studio flat living, but his life is not yours for the taking.

Either stay with what seems to be a level headed man who has made his priorities clear. No children, no marriage, no shared home.

Or leave to find someone else.

He might change his mind on living together when his daughter has bought her own home and is secure in her own life - but that’s 15 years of boyfriend/girlfriend living that you have to accept.

Unfortunately you want different things. You either reconcile with that or you part ways.

It's the part about not wanting to buy a house with you that I think is off, renting somewhere in a number of years time together? Did he explain that in any detail, is it financial?

He sounds very sensible. Moving in together and having more children might be what you want, but it is not what is best for either of the children you already have. It’s nice to hear that there are some fathers who will put their own child before their relationship.

He might rent with you when his daughter's at university.

He doesn't see you as a life partner. It sounds like you'll always be on a bit of a temporary footing with him, where he can extricate himself easily with the least amount of fallout.

He's never going to have the full commitment to you.

Between you there are two children. Thats enough surely?

Nothing on here that my real life family and friends haven’t said except they obviously know us both.

I need to go away and learn how to quote. Tadahhh said what motivates me to want the marriage, although this is less important than children I think. I want to know this as well.

Family and friends are married, sometimes for a second time, cousin’s daughter is a single mother via donor. Two close single friends but one doesn’t want to be.

No wanting another child is understandable, not moving the relationship on after 4 years less so.

You can't keep doing stayovers for ever I doubt prioritising his child is the real reason.

All these people expecting you to put your life on hold for 15 years because of a child are being ridiculous. Perhaps to keep them happy become a nun until your child graduates!

Why on earth is that a 'barf'? What a strange and rude response.

I agree - I’m glad he is protecting his daughter atm. However. I would want a hard ‘we will get married/buy a house when the kids are 17’ to feel secure this relationship was going somewhere. To say you can rent together doesn’t exactly sound committed.

Id also say this is taking up so much of your bandwidth I think you know it’s not for you deep down

Lets say you did split up with him as you want another child ( and another wedding/marriage, which I find a lot weirder!)

Would you be having the child solo through donation?

I'm asking because the list of women who have split up from good men to have a baby with a complete waster who says he wants a kid but then just fucks off anyway, is long and traumatic.

Maybe I'm lucky to not have another the strong urge to have another child in addition to my one, but I can't believe someone would throw away a relationship they think is great for such a selfish reason.

Speaking of this chap, he does like to keeping a bit of distance doesn't he? slight amber flag to some of the arrangements, if not quite a red one.

Of course you can keep doing stayovers if that's what you want. After the child rearing years, I think together but living apart is probably the ideal relationship model.

However, I don't think this is going to go away for OP and I think it will be difficult to maintain if their seperate lifestyles are very different

He’s been crystal clear you clearly want different things he told you all this and you still peruse a relationship with him

Barney16

yes financial and trust me I do know what it is like to extricate yourself from an actual legal wedding, I had bailiffs turning up while I was breastfeeding, but I am more optimistic.

Also when you marry as my cousin says you are handing half your child’s inheritance to someone. I get it! But I am optimistic.

How refreshing to read. All very sensible. Both priorotising your children and not rushing ahead to move everyone in together.

I think it’s just weighing up what’s more important to you and both options are reasonable.

do you want to have a comfortable nice, pleasant life with this man. You’re financially secure, you won’t end up in the same situation as before and you’re all happy enough. But he and his family keep you at arms length, you’ll never have a partner with this man, just a very nice companion. And you’ll never have more children.

or you can leave, maybe find a better man, or a worse man. Maybe have another child alone, which may be incredible but may be difficult. Or maybe you will struggle to get pregnant again. You may be financially better off or much worse off. You may find a partner or you may get a dh like your first.
is it worth the risk? Maybe it is maybe it isn’t. I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do.

if it all goes wrong will you look back and be happy you took the risk? If you stay will you be glad or will you always feel unfulfilled?

He sounds great. I wouldn't give up a good life with a lovely man for a pipe dream of marriage and more kids with someone else at the age of 39. I met my second DH at age 38, we both have kids and he had a vasectomy so no option for more. We still have a lovely, romantic, fun relationship and have time alone when both sets of kids aren't there. It's a blessing. You can be happy with your life if you choose to be.

@Cannotdhakefeeling if he's been upfront and honest from the start you should have believed him, not expected him to change.

But the point is you have the commitment, OP doesn’t.

How do you feel about your friends suggestion of having another child with a donor?
I think your set up sounds lovely tbh, I think you have the best of both worlds while your children are still young.
You don't share the drudgework which keeps things fresher, and you get to see the best of each other.
I think that you seriously need to consider about whether you have another child alone, and whether that is as interesting to you as having one with him.
I think id want to discuss how he would feel about that.

Bec ause I very much dislike the mumsnet belief that women (and men) should spawn once and die or stay single like some insect or single use toothbrush. Its so smug and dismissive and glurge-y. My children don’t need to be protected from the reality that adults can love mire than once. A divorce does not render a woman a statue of salt with no desire. I love my dh and my children but I fail to see that my life as a woman with a need for security, love, and companionship dies with my dh.

He sounds very sensible tbh. You see so many horror stories about blended families. I think set up sounds great.

Ultimately you need to decide if you can make peace with no having more children or being married.