Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

I think at 40 and already a parent it would be strange and reckless to leave looking for a baby !

But if you are unhappy because of a more wide lack of commitment and connection then leave

True, step-relationships can be fragile. It's best to appreciate any bond that forms, but not rely on it as guaranteed.

Ok here are my views -

You are asking the wrong questions.

Ask him WHY he doesn't want to get married / purchase property together. If it's because of his child's inheritance and unstable childhood then can the two of you decide to move things along with a very conservative timeline and ring fence the finances? If so there is hope. If it's because he is happy with how things are and doesn't want change then nope sorry leave; he's happy for you to be unhappy and that's not good enough. I would not be satisfied with the lack of marriage commitment.

Ask yourself why YOU want the marriage, more babies and shared house. Is it as a pp said you want a do-over? Life doesn't always go to plan. Can you create a different future? Is your DD happy now with how things are? She has plenty of people who love her and a stable home.

Finally and brutally at 39 leaving for a baby alone might not be the most sensible choice. However leaving for lack of proper commitment is perfectly reasonable imo.

I would end this relationship . It is too confusing for your daughter . He is half in half out and it won’t change .

Yes yes I was going to type exactly this!
What a man, what a father! He puts his child first. Exactly what every parent should do. New relationship comes second.
Clone him.

You won't ever be quite happy with him - and as hard as it'll be it's best you take the pain now, rather than later.

We are we are at the end of the day. Who is is is someone who doesn't want marriage or more children. Who YOU are is someone who does.

I think if your financial situation wasn't drastically improved by him you would have been gone years ago

Why have you been with him for so long if he was clear from the outset what he wanted and it wasn't the same as you were hoping for? I think you're being a bit unfair to string him along all this time if it's not really what you want out of the relationship, but then if you love him and your life, do you really want to be married, living under one roof and having a baby together??
He sounds very sensible and I can't believe you even expected him to consider moving in together a year after you met when he'd barely moved out from living with his ex-wife. Particularly when there's children involved!
Ultimately though, he's 46 with an 11 year old and I think many people in his position wouldn't be keen to go back to the baby stage!

This thread is not about standards you or OP’s bf has.

This thread is about op unpacking how she feels about this relationship. Even though she likes the guy, she feels something amiss.

But some posters have made it about the priorities of the boyfriend, who is not the one asking for an advice.

He is doing things right for his daughter does not mean Op needs to be ok to play second fiddle. Op does feels like a guest in her 4 year old boyfriend’s home and that’s important too. No one is saying his daughter becomes a guest in her own home, maybe this relationship in its current situation is not good for op. But some of posters are not advising op that, they are talking about priorities of bf and his dd when those two are not asking for advice.

Op, you need to have a heart to heart talk with this guy and then decide what you want to do. But don’t compromise on the way you want to live for a relationship where you feel like a guest. I would also say think about what impact having a kid now will have on your own dd. Is it worth risking that.

This guy to me sounds like a friends with benefit not a partner.

You already have a child who is getting more and more independent OP - enjoy it! Time for you to prioritise yourself and your life. Stay with your partner - you don’t need him to have a kid with you or marry you, just enjoy having fun with him!
You say you love your life why change it??
@Cannotdhakefeeling

Sorry this stuck out to me!

You said you have been together 4 years? Yet he has taken your child to his house to remove her from Covid (which must have been at least 3-4 years ago as people haven't shielded since then).

That's a bit odd to hand over your 5 year old to a man you have only been dating for a matter of months?

Where do you see the two of you in 10 or 20 years time? Do you think you'll be living together by then? I notice he says he may rent with you once his daughter has left. Why rent? Why not buy?

I'm not really seeing a future for you with him as you get older.

I so agree with this. How this man is behaving is exactly how I would too. As long as he has been open with you about this then he has done nothing wrong. You will have to weigh up the different scenarios you see for your future, as no one here can make decisions for you.

@KimberleyClark

marriage isn’t some cast iron guarantee of commitment either…have you seen the divorce rates??!

He is prioritising his daughter, so why aren't you doing the same for yours? The biggest loser in all these is your existing child, nobody is putting her first. Does she get to see her father at all? She is being made to live at your partner's house as a guest half the time. She might like it now but will she when she's a bit older? Will she not resent it when she realises she is deemed lesser of the two girls? Instead of ferrying your daughter between the two houses, she should be provided with a stable home. If you have full custody then your partner can ferry between the two houses when his child stays with his ex if you choose to continue this relationship. It seems he values the comfort of his own place more than the well being of your child and you are too weak to say anything.

Sorry but your partner does not sound wonderful at all. It appears everything happens on his terms. Do you have any say at all? He might be a good dad but it ends there. He is not a wonderful committed partner and he definitely will never be/does not want to be a wonderful father figure for your daughter. You and your daughter are quite low on his list of priorities and it will not change. He will always have the "Oh but I was clear about this before" card ready to play.

Perhaps your bar is very low after the bitter divorce but it should not be like that. I don't know why your family and many posters are praising him so much either, but from what I gather from your posts is that he is not a keeper. Have some self-esteem and get out of this unequal relationship regardless of whether you want another child or marriage. You should have done it at least two years ago.

As for having another child, I would focus on your existing daughter first.

You’re not automatically “handing over half your child’s inheritance” if you remarry - there are sensible ways to ensure money goes where you want it to, even if you own joint property, etc. So that shouldn’t be an issue.

What IS an issue is that you and he fundamentally want (or don’t want, in his case) different things. It’s like saying “it’s a great house, house of my dreams but it’s 300 miles away from where I l want/need to live” and trying to square that circle. You need to decide what’s more important (and this could change in the future, of course, you could decide it’s okay now but in a year or two change your mind - that’s okay). But what you can’t do (as the very first reply said!) is stick it out hoping that he will change his mind - not fair on anyone.

PPs have given excellent advice. I just wanted to say well done to you for starting up again on your own. There is nothing wrong with a studio flat. When my exH left me for someone else after years of infidelity I ended up in a teeny 2 bed flat with daughter and 2 dogs! It was one of my biggest fears and prevented me from leaving for a long time. I felt guilty for ages and did manage to get a house with a garden and I was really pleased. My daughter recently said to me how much she loved the flat as we were close all the time, her friends were all jealous as it was the top floor had great views near to the city centre and over some shops :D. She says our new house is less 'cool'. So all my worry and guilt was for nothing. Just wanted to share that :)

That’s the point the poster is making….

Personally I think you've got it made. Many would envy you. However if you really want to re-marry and maybe have another child, this man is not for you.

only you can make this decision. He’s been clear about what he wants. Either you accept that and give up the idea of more kids and a wedding. Or you end the relationship. Ending the relationship guarantees you will be single but not that you will get married or have more children. You need to be able to accept what he is offering without resentment in order to move forward in your relationship.

You’re Miss Right Now. If he doesn’t want to commit now, he never will.

That doesn't make him a low bar person. I could never live with someone again but if they still chose to stay with me then got all complainy because I hadn’t changed my mind that’s on them. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be a wonderful and loyal partner. Some things are on your terms (if you don’t want to get married or have more children) because those things shouldn’t be forced on someone. He told her if they were important to her he was not the right person for her, so maybe she played it down?

I also think this sums it up.

He sounds lovely. But it doesn't sound as if he wants to change anything and over four years, the status quo has been firmly established.... almost without you having a say in it. Its like you are allowed to borrow him occasionally. Is this a situation that was agreed, or have you just sort of fallen into it?

But it sounds as if you want a partner who lives with you and another baby.

You are in a relationship that suits him down to the ground...but you are sacrificing your own dreams and ambitions for him. Its not selfish for either of you to have your own dreams.

Have you really had a proper talk it through session with him?

Does he acknowledge, or understand your sacrifice? What would he be prepared to sacrifice or change for you. If the answer is he doesn't and doesn't want to change anything... you have your answer and at least that helps you make a choice.

Could you live with that knowledge five years down the line?

Everyone is stable and know where they stand.

As gently as possible, he'd not your partner, he's your boyfriend, and he is being very clear that his daughter is his priority and he is not looking to blend families.

It would actually be my perfect scenario, but then I have zero desire to be married or live with someone and I’ve had my total number of children.