Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

Even starting at 25 and with no known fertility problems, there is no way to guarantee that you will find a man who wants to marry you and have children with you.

At the age of 39, the chances of leaving this relationship, starting again and finding someone else in time to have more children, even if you have the children before the wedding, are pretty low. You would also need to rush into TTC with someone you barely know, meaning there would be a high chance of the relationship later breaking down when you turn out to be incompatible.

If you had no children I would say you have left it rather late and if having them is now the most important priority for you then you should end your relationship and look into doing IUI or IVF using a sperm donor.

Since you do have a daughter and you are in an otherwise happy relationship, I would say make your peace with only having one child and continue in the relationship for as long as you make each other happy. Or if getting married is a deal-breaker, end your relationship and look for someone else, but don't expect more children to be part of the equation.

I think the stability of the life you have currently built is more beneficial to your daughter than a new stepfather and much younger half sibling in a very short space of time.

This.

I think you are looking for a solution that doesn’t exist here, OP….

One thing to note : why would your child be seen as their grand kid ? She isn't , step-relationships come and go unfortunately, sometimes they stay but don't expect it

He is not prioritising you in any way. He is prioritising himself.

No, he's prioritising his daughter's wellbeing. He sounds like a good father. He lets his daughter decide if and when she wants OP and OP's child to visit/ stay. That seems really positive to me and I'm horrified that so many posters seem to think this is some kind of problem, as if his daughter's opinion and needs count for nothing. I have heard so many children of divorced parents talk about how it felt to have a new family foisted on them when their father met a new partner and then had a new half-sibling to deal with too.

I can also understand that having lost an awful lot by behaving decently towards his ex and child, he doesn't want to risk going through that again. He sounds like he wants to give his one child a secure relationship in which her feelings count.
We need more men with this mindset.

Everyone else is right, OP. You want different things. You need to find a decent man who wants that same things you want.

Accept the life as it is now with him - ie no more kidding or marriage, or move on.

You can't, or should try to change his mind. Also what do you mean donation? As in get pregnant from someone else? How in the heck is that a good idea!?!

Everyone deserves to live their life how they wish. If he doesn't want any more kids or to be married again that's that.

Accept or move on. There is no middle ground negotiation here.

Barney16

Thank you. To be fair when I first met him I wouldn’t have known my own name. Once I had relaxed a bit I harboured a hope that he might change his mind once he and his wife sold their house which they tried to do for 18 months and he bought his own and we established a pattern as people do change their minds.

I have given up hope of this for the last couple of years. He has always been honest and he did tell me when he started looking to buy a house in London about a year after we got together that he wasn’t the one for me if I wanted more kids.

He has always been honest.

This, absolutely.

He could be a great guy who is just prioritising his daughter (though great guys can still do this and re-marry). Or he could be ‘happy enough’ with you, but just not sure enough to commit. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it does happen- most men do ultimately put a happy relationship very near the top of their priority list. I would worry he will meet someone else, fall for them, and then suddenly she will be the one he is marrying and having a baby with. I think his decision not to have more children is understandable, but if he’s not willing to discuss marriage when it’s really important to YOU, it sits uneasy with me. I think you need to find someone who feels as committed as you do.

This is a brilliant answer. I completely agree.

Commitment here just means a whole load of hassle if you split up.

Why would you want commitment ? Because it would somehow hold you together in a miserable state and stop you splitting because it would be otherwise too difficult to separate ?

You both know what divorce is like, and not surprisingly one of you doesn't want to go through that process again. And has been perfectly clear on that issue.

It seems to me from what you say he has been 100% clear from the start about what he wants and you have hoped to change that.

Now you are realising that is not going to happen. So you have a stark choice to make. There is no easy solution. But the situation is entirely of your own making.

Well what I would take from this is that he doesn't want to get married or have children with you. Whether being the eternal girlfriend is sufficient only you can say.

Would you be so keen to marry if your financial situation wasn't "enhanced" by him. If he was living in a studio flat and you'd be handing over a share of your house and your child's inheritance to a new man and his child? What do you think his friends might advise him?,

He's doing absolutely the right thing for him and his child. He's not considering you or your future. It depends how you feel about/if you can handle that.

That said, would your life be better if you decided to leave?

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

I think you're wanting to tick these boxes again.
Why?

You have your own home, a child, a relationship with a person with clear, healthy boundaries. Do you really want to jeopardise what you already have for more fairytale sprinkles? They have already failed to bring long term happiness (other than your child)

There's no guarentees that a baby would enhance your life. It's a substantial age gap with your child. There's increased risk to your health. There's increased risk of additional needs. You'll be parenting until retirement.

You could very easily waste a good relationship and end up with a baby and another ex. A baby at this stage of life is not guarenteed anyway even if you can find a good father. This is all more disruption to your child as they enter their teen years.

If you're both financially secure and independent, you don't need marriage. Functionally, it's a useful contract when creating a family and risking career progression and maternal income. That doesn't apply here.

You need to work out why you're wanting a dream over the practicalities of a decent reality.

If this genuinely isn't the right set-up for you, that's OK, but break up for the right reasons, and it does actually sound like a pragmatic situation for raising older children in.

Are you sure he is legally divorced? Some people separate but don't get divorced due to society pressure or their children and you mentioned that he's waiting for his kid to go to university. I'm just scratching my head what the reasons might be there for him to keep his distance and this half-in half-out arrangement. Whatever it is, I wouldn't get pregnant 'by accident'. In the end you need to decide what you want - is this enough for you?

The OP has said that she is mo longer living in the studio flat, she has other property and is financially secure.

🤔🤔I think you're reading a different thread to the rest of us!

OP , you've said that the advice here is pretty much what friends and family have said already, and really it's what you know to be true, so, only you can make the call. If you can drop your wishes for marriage and more babies all well and good, if you can't, if it just keeps niggling away in your mind then perhaps you should jump and look for what you really want. No guarantees that you'll find it and it's a big choice to make but only you can really know what's you will or won't regret in the future.

You are building castles in the sky. He has told you where you stand. Hear and listen. You are treated well by his family but not in the role you would wish. You are coming up for 40. You must decide if you want to enjoy what you have. Things may change in the future or leave and find someone/way to have another baby. If it were me, I would be enjoying life as it presents itself and think about my daughter's happiness too. Remember, she is still a child and very impressionable. How does she feel about all this? Is she happy and settled? It is not about you and your wants at the moment. It is about making memories for her and making sure she has a safe, stable, and secure launch into adult life. You won't get those years back once she has left the nest.

I might be off base but with the feeling like a guest in their home and you daughter not being treated like a granddaughter, and he took care of your kid a few times in 4 years, do you feel you've blended your families?

Because that's not at all what it looks like from the outside. It looks the opposite, like he doesn't want that and won't go there.

I get the feeling if you had another child through donation, he would not act as the father, he would be gone. That life commitment to you just isn't there for him.

Read through some of the posts of the last few days re blended families not prioritising x, yz. For the first time we have a dad being sensible prioritising his child AND looking after your interests. Hes not trying to bring him and child to move in your house, hes not asking you to sell up and invest in him. Your both financially safe from each other.

I think you need to come to terms with the life that you have.

At 39, the chances of finding someone new to marrying, having more children with, are slim to zero.

I agree with him, so many second relationships fall into the same direction as the first.

I think you need to accept you're not going to be married with children again. It is your choice to stay once you accept it.

I love him and love our life. @Cannotdhakefeeling

Are you willing to lose him and your life now, for the chance/potential (not guaranteed) of finding someone to marry and have another child with?

How much if a risk taker are you?

What will you regret most in 10 years time- that you took the risk and lost this man and your current life (and may not have another child and marriage), or that you are still with him but will never know if you could have achieved your goal of another child and a marriage.

I suppose it comes down to how much you want marriage and another child and only you can decide that.

For me, a committed relationship where you each have your own home and can see each other when you want to but also have your own space is ideal. I know people who have had this arrangement for 30+ years and it works very well. But I get that some want more than this.

In a nutshell. They want different things, which is fine, but the OP has to decide what she priorities.

Of course, if she leaves this man there's no guarantee she'd find a suitable partner interested in marriage, and certainly no guarantee that she'd have another child. She is almost 40.

On the other hand, if she stays with this man there's no guarantee they'll be together forever, or even 5 years from now. So there's risk either way, but that's life.

Also, given that her partner is already in his mid 40s, it's highly unlikely he'll change his mind on this. So it's up to her.

A bloke behaving decently is the baseline, not something to be grateful for is it?