Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

Comes across as a bit of a twat who’s popping babies out to multiple partners, and is quite happy to have practical strangers moving in and out of their children’s homes. Meanwhile, some of us have standards

I think you need to consider your child over your desires.

Your child has already been through one divorce and everything that comes with it. Right now it sounds as though they have happiness and stability. Not a chance I'd risk ruining that because I wanted another child, especially not at 40.

I think he is more than entitled not to want another child. But I don’t understand this (very common here apparently) belief that a second marriage is dangerous (to the children or the inheritance, )frivolous, unnecessary, or pointless. Culturally and historically speaking marriage is pretty significant as a sign of commitment. Maybe its more observed in the breach but it still signals a willingness to stick together in good times and bad and through old age. Is this lovely man expecting monogamy and wife work or is it just happy sex and guest towels? Is that enough? Isn’t what OP longing for more than guest status for the next 30 years? I certainly wouldn’t want to feel like I was in a library loan relationship—taken out on an as needed basis, enjoyed, then put back in the public shelf.

I think he sounds entirely reasonable, sensible and a great dad. And this sounds like a great situation for a divorcee with a child.

I’d quit while you are ahead if I were you. You have your own home and he had his so if you split up you have security for you and your daughter.

But if you’re hell bent on having more children you’ll need to start over looking for another man.

OP, as somoene with secondary infertility and a bit younger than you (and already have a wonderful child)- in all honesty, by the time you have found someone else who also wants children, it might well be too late so if everything else in your relationship is good, I am not sure I would leave him. I am sorry to be so blunt but pregnancy at your age is risky, not sure to happen (is it ever!) and if you are otherwise happy I am unsure I would leave in this scenario.

Quite honestly do you really want another child at 40, I certainly wouldn't. He is 46 and knows he doesn't.
He is putting his child first.
I would sooner concentrate on my career and get a bigger flat or house - 2 beds than start having more babies.

I agree with those who think you both just want different things.

I can understand why when his daughter is heading into her teens that he does not want to start again with a baby. It would be worse if he strung you along with your wants and then backed out.

I no longer live in the studio and have other property.

It is only when his daughter is there that I feel like the guest although she is absolutely lovely .

As for the future he has said we could rent somewhere together when the kids are at uni.

Could you afford to have another child on your own and provide a home for them? Or do you think your boyfriend would be obliged to invite you to live with him full time if you had his baby? That isn't what he wants.

I'd work on improving my own financial security.

I don’t think he is so wonderful, sorry. I think he wants things to be on his terms and he only wants you for fun, which might be ok for you if you accept this. It doesn’t sound like a partnership where you rely on each other. I wonder what the situation looks like if you are unwell or having problems.
And I think him not wanting children or joint house is a red herring here. It’s his way to put a boundary between you and don't commit so you won’t go beyond being a just partner for fun.

I am financially secure.

He prioritizes his daughter.

If what you really want is marriage and more kids, this is not the man for you and you've been fooling yourself that he will change.

He is not going to move you in and he's not going to marry you. Would you be ok with just having a relationship with him at the same level you are now? He doesn't want a deeper relationship with you. I doubt that will change.

Of course his family doesn't see your daughter as their granddaughter, she's not. You are not married and you could disappear from their lives at any time.

As for feeling like the guest of an 11 year old, you are. It's their home, not yours. He's been quite clear he's not buying a home with you or moving in together. You are are a part of his life, but not an integral part.

You seem to think you're a permanent fixture in his family life when you're the girlfriend and that's all it's ever going to be.

Your relationship is on his terms. You aren't going to get any more than what he's given you so far. If that's not enough, break up.

I'm in a newish relationship and experiencing similar things (suspect I also have ADHD!).

It is hard sometimes, but at the same time, I try to think how it would be if the roles were reversed. If e.g. I didn't want a kiss or a cuddle or sex and he wasn't OK with that....

I think we must've read different posts, he sounds completely the opposite to what you've said to me

There just doesn’t seem to be anywhere for the relationship to go

Always, always reliable and trustworthy. Took my child to his twice to remove her from Covid and norovirus. and three times when I have been away for work, once at very short notice when my mum couldn’t have her at the last minute.

As for the future he has said we could rent somewhere together when the kids are at uni.

Honestly this comes across a bit of a red flag to me. Trying to keep you sweet with a vague indication for the future.

I wouldn’t be focussed on marriage and kids but what is your future?

After 4 years, staying at his house half the week and having holidays doesn’t scream life partner to me.

Is your DD not being treated as a GC significant to you OP?

I only ask because it comes up a looot on here, generally many years down the line. It's obviously not something that's within either partners control, and it seems to cause so much heartache that I'd advise anyone who's concerned to think very carefully about trying to make the relationship more serious.

Which it doesn't sound like he currently wants anyway, so it might be moot. But it was just something that struck me.

I disagree. Blended families are hard work and often the children suffer. He’s putting the children first and keeping the housing separate until the children have left.

Can't work my way through this but it 'feels' bad.

Your child - not his - spends time with his family? He likes having you around but doesn't want to marry you? You still care about a big dress even though you had one for a previous man (am I wrong)? He categorically refused to buy a house with me. He has a home with his eleven year old daughter. You don't like to be her 'guest' - so you want to be the boss of her and her home?

You need to work out what you really want. I think a lot of divorced mums would think your position ideal, but it doesn't seem to be what you want. It doesn't look like you'll get another wedding/a joint home/a blended-but-traditional-looking family with him. Would you find it elsewhere? Is it worth looking for?

I’m wondering if you want to marry again and have another child because that’s what you always wanted, it didn’t work out and you want a “do over”.

That might not be true and even if it is, deep down, there’s nothing wrong with that but you would have to find someone else to do that with because this man does not want that. It’s not something either of you can compromise on.

But if you give it some thought and come to the conclusion you’re sort of trying to reenact the past but get it right this time you might find that what you have is enough, and in terms of a long term partner, he is more than enough. Your friends and family might have the right idea.

As far as being a visitor in an 11 year old girl’s home goes, it’s going to be like that. It would be the same if your child was only with you a small part of the week. It will be like that with any partner who puts his children first, which of course they should. But there are ways to handle that and still make you feel valued and a priority, albeit close second. If you can work those out between the two of you then it seems you have a good relationship going forward.

OP is it marriage that you desire or more to all be living under one roof?

It seems a bit unfair from your daughter to spend some of the time at your partners house, some of the time at your house and possibly some of the time at exH house?

What's preventing you all moving in together considering how well you all appear to get on?

Just putting the relationship to one side for a moment: To be brutally honest, at 39 you aren't in any way assured another child, especially if you are going to use a donor and may have to do expensive ivf. Also you have to think whether going it alone would be fair to your existing child.

Get some counselling OP and understand your motivations. You can't make him do something, but your reaction is what matters more