To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

Yanbu. Maybe wait for a time when shes in a reasonable mood and attempt another chat. Or is there another adult whi she gets on well with that can communicate this with her without the emotions?

That’s so hard, all of it!
Your daughter is so young and the immaturity is shining through with this decision.
Have you been for counselling OP
I think you should get some some help re-establishing boundaries with your children.

First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and that you had to go through the terrifying journey again with your daughter. My son was diagnosed with cancer last year and has been in remission for 9 months now, it's something that changes you forever.

Could you come at it from a different angle with your daughter? Talk about the baby and how he might want his own identity rather than a name associated with such sadness but how lovely it would be as a middle name?

She ought to value your feelings and opinion on this one. She's also 18 and a child herself.

A very difficult situation all round for you.

I would push for it as a middle name

sorry for your loss x

Could you suggest it as a middle name ?

I’d tell her that it means a lot for her to want to honour her brother. Then I’d request that it be a middle name, Kirbert2’s advice I think is excellent.

No words of advice op, just solidarity. I’d find it incredibly hard too, if someone named their child after my DD who died.

Could she go for a name with a similar meaning, but something different?

@Chromeal I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s a lovely gesture but can see your point too, maybe she can use it as a middle name xx

Oh how awful,you are a warrior to have got through this,to loose a child has to be the worst grief possible. Does your DD have a partner on the scene,does she live with you?

I don’t have a solution for you, just sympathy, but I wouldn’t be ok with it either. My MIL tried to strong-arm us into naming DS1 after DH’s father who died when he was a teenager. DH felt as you do, that it would hurt him to use the name, would saddle the baby with a whole lot of painful baggage and would take the joy out of a new person and a fresh start.

I would write her a letter, explaining how the idea makes you feel and asking her to reconsider. She is too confrontational for a face to face conversation to get through to her imo. She needs to understand that while she has a right to honour and remember her brother, it’s not kind or appropriate for her to do that by trampling over the feelings of others. The letter may not work either, but she will have a chance to take on board the reasons for your objection, and she will be entirely responsible if relationships suffer as a result of her insensitivity.

and stop blaming yourself for her personality flaws! Firstly, none of us knows how we would cope with raising children under the horrendous circumstances you faced. Personally I think you are incredible to have managed it at all. And secondly, lots of teenagers are selfish, immature and thoughtless. We as parents aren’t the only influence on them and they come with their own faults and frailties. She may improve when she’s a bit older. But you don’t have to put up with abuse from her just because you think it’s your fault she’s the way she is.

I’m so so so sorry for your loss OP.

I can imagine the shock you felt and how much that name means to you.

I also think that no matter what we suggest, your DD can also name her child what she wants and I guess she sees it as a nice way to honour her brother. It would have been the kindest thing to do to talk to you first, but at 18 and from your OP immature, I don’t think she was ever going to take your feelings into consideration.

I hope she takes your feelings into account and moves to middle name or a new name altogether

I was wondering this too. This will have an impact on the boundaries within your relationship.

I'd take the advice of other posters to have some therapy. Perhaps together, perhaps separately.

If talking to her is hard - maybe write it down. Explaining that you want to love this baby without a constant reminded of the hardest time of your life and the son you lost.
Middle name.

Of course you feel shocked and sad and shot back to a horrifically difficult time. Other people have made good suggestions about ways to talk to her about it, but fundamentally, if she wants to call her baby by her brother's name, there's nothing you can do. You're not being in the least unfair, obviously, but it may help to concentrate on what you can control here, rather than what you can't.

I’d be quite straightforward with her and explain that every time you hear your grandsons name for the rest of your life (if she goes ahead with the name) your brain is going to set off a big red internal klaxon that says “my baby died” and not what she’s hoping for which is “my darling little grandson, named after his uncle in heaven, how sweet”.

She has decided she is a big girl, ready for the real world.

What a difficult situation. I'd let the whole thing calm down a bit and then maybe send her a message saying that whilst it may seem like a nice gesture and you understand why she may want to do that, if she goes ahead it's going to be very upsetting for you...and maybe she could honour him by using it as a middle name.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That sounds absolutely devastating and I completely understand why your DD's choice is terribly upsetting.

I think you need to reopen this with her. You can acknowledge that she can call the baby what she wants, and that you'll respect that choice and are proud of her commitment to remembering her brother. But she should consider that this name will bring up a lot of difficult memories for the wider family. The point about the baby carrying the weight of a name associated with such overwhelming grief that PPs have made is a good one. I think she has probably not thought this through, and that if she's given space to do so and change her mind without losing face, she might do this.

It sounds like your relationship with your DD can sometimes be tense - which is totally normal for mum and daughter at 18. Is there someone else who can be a bit more detached who might have the conversation with her - an aunt, uncle, cousin or grandparent? Or even a friend of hers?

I can't imagine what you've gone through. Don't go beating yourself up and blaming yourself for the way she's behaving. It's not your fault.

I agree with the others - ask if it could be his middle name. I would leave it for a little while, though, especially if she's the sort of person who likes to feel she's won an argument.

She will come to rely on you when the baby is born, so I'd hold back a bit for now - often a relationship heals easier when it's less intense. Let her come to you. She's in for a hell of a shock, having a baby so young.

She's right though, it's her baby and her brother she wishes to honour. Hopefully a new start and happier associations will come from it, but not if you make it about you and sour relations. Take it as a good point that she wants to remember him, you must have done a good job of talking about him. As mumsnet says, no one owns a name.

Agree with seeing if she will make it a middle name. That way she honours her brother without it hitting you in the face on a daily basis.

OMG I am SO sorry about Elliot ❤️‍🩹 then having it with DD too. That's a lot to deal with. No parent should have to go through that xx

It's completely understandable you were 'soft' with DD & her younger brother. Totally understandable. It's unfortunate that it may have contributed to DD being the way she is. But you did what you needed to at the time & you shouldn't beat yourself up for that 🤗

How are you coping with her being pregnant at 18 & what's the plan?

As for calling the baby Elliot, just NO. She's not 'honouring' her brother by causing you this much pain. Be blunt (time to stop being so soft) tell her what you wrote here about how it makes you feel. I'm not dismissing her loss, but she was 9 months old, she didn't go through what you did. She has NO right to do this & expect you to be ok with it. NONE.

big love xx

I’m sorry but “not if you make it about you and your sour relations” is an absolute disgusting thing to say to a mum who lost a child. What an awful person

YANBU. You have been through so much hardship and I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourself for anything.

Could writing it down for her to read be a better way of communicating this to her?

I agree on potentially writing a letter explaining your feelings and suggesting using as a middle name. BUT I would also make clear that you will respect her decision either way, and I would try to mean that. Your GS may well have this name and it will be better for everyone if you try to make peace with that. Can't imagine how hard this is though.