To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

With respect maybe you are someone who finds it hard generally to understand people’s feelings. Because most of us on this thread don’t find it hard at all to understand where @Chromeal is coming from.

Elliot's middle name isn't his first name. Again, it isn't the same.

Even if she is surprised at the strong reaction, I think it would be very selfish of her to call him Elliot and then expect her mums help after upsetting her so much. She may have hoped it would've pleased her mum which is fair enough but she got it wrong.

Agree. Give it time. She may change her mind.

A teenager is a very tricky thing.
The more you push this, the more she will think your wrong and disrespecting her choices.
There is no way you can win right now, and you being the baddie because you disagree sets her up to claim your a bad mum.
All you can do is use this time to come to terms with it and seek her for your own sake.
sometimes this works and her realising your not going to give her the drama might just mean she rethinks things.
Plus once the baby arrives you will have a new little person to love and may be able to see that his uncle will live on for at least 2 more generations as a named after.

I don't think she's saying she doesn't understand where OP is coming from, she's saying she can see where the daughter might be coming from. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

I agree I can understand the daughter being surprised at OPs reaction when op herself has used the middle name so it's reasonable to think OP likes to use names to honour the departed. I personally totally understand why OP feels differently about his first name and think the daughter should ultimately respect that, but I don't think the daughter should be painted purely as a villain here. She's got some pretty complex stuff going on herself and she's only 18 and not yet a parent herself.

Personally I could not name a child something that I know would upset my mother knowing that she is basically going to be raising him (as let's be honest, she is too immature to move out, pay bills and support him on her own). No matter how much I liked the name.
She barely knew little Elliot. You birthed him, raised him, cuddled him and watched him die. And it hurts you. You don't want your baby grandson called Elliot. And that is fine. Some other mums may like it and see it as a tribute. You don't. And if she is as mature as she makes out she should respect that.

No and I think her view is perfectly understandable but in the flip side of that needs to be understanding and awareness of what the daughter is going through and the impact of both living in the shadow of a loss of a sibling and surviving the very disease that kills them.

Both have gone through trauma, trauma that has shaped both their lives and their relationship with each other and that needs to be both recognising and perhaps talked about for a resolution

A few people mentioned survivor’s guilt and I think you might be right. It’s not something she’s ever said outright but I’ve wondered myself. She had play therapy when she was little and later on proper counselling when she was a teen. I’ve also had therapy myself, still do now on and off, it’s helped me manage the grief but it’s never really gone away. Losing a child is something you carry every single day.

We do talk about Elliot. Not every day but he’s not a taboo subject in the house. Youngest knows about him and DD’s always known who he was, we’ve got pictures and I’ve never hidden anything. So it’s not like I’m trying to erase him, if anything I’ve tried to make sure he’s still part of the family in the ways he can be. But there’s something very different between remembering someone and actually having a baby living here with his name.

There was even an Elliot in youngest’s class at primary. They weren’t close friends or anything but I was fine with it. That felt like a coincidence, not something personal. Having this baby in my home, called Elliot, being cared for and watched grow every day… it just feels too close. It’s like being asked to relive it all over again, and also being reminded every day of what he never got. He’ll never grow up, never have children, never get this chance. And DD has that chance, and she’s choosing to use his name for her own child. I just can’t get my head round it.

Someone asked if she’s far along – yes, she is. It’s not long to go now so the name will be on forms and hospital bands before I know it. She’s completely set on it and it’s like my feelings just don’t matter.

Still trying to figure out how to talk to her without it turning into another row but honestly it feels like it’s already too late.

I really feel for you op. We lost our first before the next two babies arrived. It was a long time ago. My DD and DS have no children, and may not, but I’d be so happy if they carried on their brother’s name from a place of love for me and him. Your little one who I’m so sorry you lost, is more than his name, he is in a special place in your heart.
I remember, just after my little one died, a neighbour named her child his name and it gripped me so badly. But it wasn’t him, after a time it eased and I grieved for my boy without any thought of his name.
I hope you can separate these strong feelings and find some peace. I know it’s complicated. Life can be so hard and burdened. x

I am SO sorry. Your DD sounds like a cow. Not the naming but her inabilty to listen or give you space to react and discuss.

I have no advice to give. You are clearly a loving Mum and I hope you find some peace and rest amongst this upheaval

After losing one child and almost another no one should fault your parenting. I can see from both sides, either one of you are going to be unhappy

She's acting like a typical 18 year old - very self centred, lacking emotional maturity, shutting down conversations, establishing her independence etc but unfortunately the consequences are going to be permanent.

As she's so self centred, perhaps that's how you need to approach this. Show her how her naming her son your son's name is going to affect your relationship with her and the child.

Yoy need to talk to her in a way that she doesn't feel criticised (so she doesn't shut the conversation down prematurely) and so she doesn't feel backed into a corner, it's her choice but if she continues with her name choice then this is the natural consequences.

I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. I am sorry to add in another worry for you, but just wanted to add in my experience with this. My mum lost a little girl to what was probably Group B strep, when I was 3. I never felt like I had the right to feel anything about it, and it being the 1970s, it was never really Talked about. When I had my son, aged 33, I had a bad time of things as did my son, and it really affected my mum's mental health. I also ended up obsessed that my son was going to die, to the extent of developing severe PND.
I am not saying that this will happen to you, I am just gently suggesting that getting some support in place for both of you may be a good idea, as having a new baby around could be destabilising for both of you. The name thing makes things worse, and possibly makes me think that your daughter is thinking about her late brother in relation to her pregnancy.
I hope I am just projecting here, but it may be something to he aware of. Once again, I am so sorry about Elliott.

Im so very sorry for the loss of your son and all you went through after.

i lost my son aged 18 from cancer. Id feel the same way as you do if my other son gave his son Will’s name. As a middle name I’d have no problem but not as his first name.

what a terribly hard time you all face. All you can do is try to communicate again your feelings. Her feelings are valid, as are yours, but hopefully you can come to an understanding.

I Can see why she would want to, to honour him but she should respect your wishes. She’s young she doesn’t seem to get why you wouldn’t want your grandchild to have his name. But it’s upto her at the end of the day

I think you need to accept her grief and thoughts about the loss of her brother as real and valid. She may not have known him but he is still part of your family, naturally, and therefore she grieves him in her own way. And that's really hard, it's such an odd thing to grieve someone you never knew and yet you know and deeply feel as missing from your life. Then add potential survivors guilt. That's a lot to deal with.

I think if that’s part of how she wants to honour her brother, she gets to?

I can’t see that writing her a long letter about it is going to change things; she’s young and who among us had masses of emotional maturity at that age?

Im really sorry for you but I don’t think you get to try to control or decide this based on your feelings unfortunately.

This is absolutely bang on op x

As a parent myself who has lost multiple family members from cancer, I am sorry for OPs loss and I do emphasize with OP. However, I am going to go against the grain and agree with this post. If that is the daughter's way of honouring her brother, then that is acceptable. People name their children after parents/siblings/grandparents/aunts or uncles who may have passed quite often. OPs feelings/emotions/trauma is for OP to manage, not the daughter. And I agree with you when you say 'but not if you make it about you' because that IS what OP is doing. In the post, it's all about how OP feels, how OP feels about the name, how OP feels towards their daughter now and raising her. I don't mean to be rude OP, but you remind me of my mother. She was very much how felt and her way/view of things and how I always HAD to consider her feelings in everything. Now I have learnt to focus on myself, it is NOT selfish. I am not responsible for my mother's feelings. I love and care about my mother. However, I am allowed to think of myself and what I want, especially regarding my children. Your daughter is the same, she is allowed to honour her brother the way she wants too, 18 or not, whether she knew him well or not. She is now an adult and is allowed too. You shouldn't put your emotions on her. Let her use the name, how you deal with your feelings is up to you. And I know it is hard because I am now 30 and some of the things you experience and see with a family member declining with cancer is very hard, and it can stay with you. I really hope you heal from what happened to your son. I think you need to heal and focus on your own emotions rather than stopping your daughter naming her baby. I wish you the best OP. x

@Chromeal i think it is exactly because your DD got a chance a life and a chance to be a parent she wishes to name her son after her brother. A brother who I suspect has been a huge part of her life she was born and whose death she bares simply because she survived.

There’s a lot to unpack here and it’s telling that you view your DD’s decision as a personal attack. Why are you finding it difficult to take her reason behind her decision, at face value. Did you have any trauma therapy or support during this traumatic period?

You say that your DD has no regards for your feelings but you appear to have very little for hers either. Yes he was your son but he was also her brother, I understand because of her age, she probably doesn’t remember him but do not underestimate the hole left behind after the death of a sibling. It is not your DD’s fault her brother died or that you had to relive the trauma when she got ill herself, no was it her fault that the trauma affected your parenting of her and subsequent relationship with her.

This could be an opportunity for you to connect with your DD, don’t antagonise her by belittling her feelings and casting her as the villain.

I'm so sorry OP. I really hope your DD has a change of heart and spares you this. However, assuming she doesn't (she's very young and may well dig in to show you she's in charge here!) I think you will have to find a way to accept. It may be easier than you think when this new child is here, his own person, a different life to love, who shares a name with his uncle, but is a seperate person altogether.

Oh golly op, I’m so sorry that must be so hard. Sorry, but I think the child’s name will only be one issue of many going forward if your daughter continues in her attitude and behaviour. Protect yourself - if she needs to live elsewhere and stand on her own two feet with her child so you can support them from a distance, then please consider that possibility. Her behaviour - whether contributed to by you or not - sounds utterly unacceptable.

That’s what I was wondering? Sounds like she’s doing this on purpose to be cruel to you. Or maybe it’s some immature way of trying to establish boundaries in advance regarding who will be in charge of the baby. 🤷‍♀️.

Have to say I agree with the poster who said if she insists I’d be seriously considering telling her to move out pretty soon. She can make choices but those choices have consequences. I appreciate though that probably won’t help your relationship but I think by this point I wouldn’t be too bothered. She sounds like a bully.

At 18 though and as an adult, she does need to accept any potential consequences of naming her child Elliot knowing how much it is going to upset OP to the point that OP may not be as willing to help with the baby as it may be too painful, especially at first.