To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

She sounds very immature and selfish. I think it is awful naming her baby after a brother that, lets be honest, she did not know, especially as you have told her how you feel.

I'd stop talking about it for a while so she doesn't dig her heels in and hopefully she will change her mind.

At 18, she isn't a young teenager and I'd be expecting her to look after the baby with minimal help. I don't think she can stomp all over your feelings and then expect you to help out so much with the baby.

Im truly sorry for the loss of beautiful Elliot.

I appreciate she’s 18 and they’re not always the most empathic. But you tell her whilst you appreciate the sentiment you cannot for your own sanity hear the name of your dead child spoken in your home as though he is there. Explain the healing you’ve done to keep the grief at bay will be undone and youre not prepared to have an Elliot who is not your son in the home. And say that DGS deserves a name that isn’t putting him in the shadow of your lovely wee lad.
If she’s determined to do this she can get a flat. I do think she thinks it’s a nice thing but she’s never and hopefully never ever will share the experience you’ve had. At 18 she needs to grow up now and think about others, parenthood or not she’s old enough to consider others. Sorry again for your loss x

I totally understand the visceral reaction it will evoke for you
However, If she maintains Elliot as name I’d hope you can step forward as Her Mum and new Granny. You'll all have new roles, new priorities. Don’t lose your relationship over this

As difficult as this is and people will say tread lightly, I think her actions are extremely cruel. How long do you expect to be housing her and her baby and how will it be paid for? Also how does this move impact your youngest child?

Name aside, I get the impression you are powerless in this dynamic and being dragged along here.

Did she think she was doing a nice thing? I think that's a bit of an assumption. It could just as easily give her some sort of satisfaction to twist the knife in the mother that she frankly bullies and with whom she has "never really had the best relationship"?

I'm very sorry you are in this position OP. If she is old enough to have a baby she's old enough to engage in some robust discussion about why calling her baby Elliot is such a painful thing to do. Your beautiful son is a concept to her and not a reality. She has zero experience of what actually happened. When she has her baby she might suddenly realise what you actually went through. Do you have any other support? It sounds like you are having another baby dumped on you whether you like it or not. If you had a choice would you want this situation?

I feel for you Op this sounds tough.
I have worked on teenage cancer ward and with young adults who have been chronically ill throughout childhood. I have seen it a lot where the child feels they have the greater “power” or control as they can easily shoot the parent down with comments like “you haven’t been ill like me”. I (and my team) have even been at the end of these comments as a healthcare professional and it is difficult I have even been asked if I ever had cancer before and blamed for not having enough qualifications because I never had cancer before!!
This is obviously more about using the name, it’s about her lack of empathy for you and understanding your perspective on things. Yes she has had a difficult childhood compared to
others, but that is no excuse to tolerate others with disrespect.
At 18 she is still quite immature and even in the eyes of medicine she can still be treated as a paediatric patient. Firstly you may need a mediator to help work through your relationship, whether professional or not, she needs to sit down and listen to her side of things and vice versa.
good luck x

I feel you are being a bit unreasonable here, but I come from a family and culture where naming babies after other relatives - including relatives who died too young or in tragic circumstances - is the norm.

I think your response here needs to be tempered. I like the idea of praising her for wanting to honour her brother, agree it's a lovely name and obviously that's why you chose it, and suggest she use it as a middle name so that the new arrival won't evoke feelings of sadness instead of joy in you when you meet him and get to know him.

However, you need to accept that she can and possibly will name him Elliott, and she may even suggest that you'll get used to seeing this new little Elliott and that hearing the name again in different (hopefully happier) circumstances may even help you heal. Don't assume she's going out of her way to hurt you. She may be clumsily trying to help you heal.

Play this one gently. Pregnancy can be a time of heightened emotions. Your daughter won't respond well to a full on criticism or challenge to her intentions.

If the prospect of a grandson named Elliott causes you grief that you can't really cope with, I suggest you find someone to talk with about the pain and loss you went through. The clergy can often be supportive and usually don't mind if you're not a church person. Counselors can also be supportive, though harder to see.

Yes it is an assumption but I tend to think the best of someone, obviously you’re at the other end of the spectrum. Nothing in @Chromeal‘s posts indicate she’s bullied by her daughter.

The year after my brother died I sent my mum flowers on his birthday. I thought I was doing a nice thing, she was horribly upset. I got it wrong with the best of intentions.

So sorry for all that you have gone through.

If she won’t listen to reason I think you may have to get firm with her.

Tell her that name would be incredibly painful for you to hear every day and she wouldn’t be able to stay living at home.

Do you have a partner that could talk some sense into her or any family member that could try?

She can call the baby what she likes, but you can also tell her to move out. Which I think you should. So selfish old enough to get pregnant old enough to deal with it. If she doesn't like it she can always move in with her dad!!

I think this is possibly the best that can be done in this situation. I don't think you will cope if she continues to live with you AND name her child Elliot. I don't think I would cope. And you having a breakdown is in nobody's interests.

((hug))

The difference is you made an honest mistake.

OPs daughter had been told it is very upsetting to her mum but doesn’t seem to care.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. YANBU.

How much has his death impacted her life, though?

I meant her intentions were good before she told her mum.

Everything about it suggests OP is bullied by her daughter.

Oh OP you have been through so much ❤️
Yanbu, if someone wanted to name their child after my little DS who passed away I wouldn't like it at all because as you've said that's him.
I would go for a drive or lunch together and really talk it out and explain to her why, and see if she would consider it as a middle name instead.
So sorry for your loss ❤️

What about afterwards?

Maybe the idea was nice in her head but she is now knowingly hurting her lovely mum who has gone through a lot. That is awful behaviour from an 18 year old.

OP's daughter:

• Lost her older brother
• Was parented by an unsurprisingly grief stricken mother
• Was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 2. Went through cancer treatment and thankfully survied
• Experienced the breakup of her parents' marriage

She may be selfish and immature, but I think she has been through more trauma by the age of 18 that most people experience in a lifetime. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but it does explain some of it.

I would say one more time that you find the name incredibly painful to say and to hear. Tell her the death of a child isn't something which just fades into past- it is constant.

If she doesn't pay attention then really, you'll have to deal with it with grace.
So hard though

There’s obviously a lot of hurt and resentment going on here. Therapy would be helpful but I don’t know if now’s the good time.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. that pain is unimaginable . It also sounds like your dd went through an awful ordeal- whilst she was young when her brother died and then when she was ill those things have lifelong impact on the body and the brain, consciously or subconsciously. Then parental separation and poor relationship with both parents. It doesn’t sound like her life has been easy.

why do you think she wants to name the baby Elliott? There are so many potential reasons.

she wants to hurt you?
she feels guilty that she lived and he didn’t?
she likes the name?
she feels that Elliott’s death overshadowed her childhood?
she wants to be in control of something in her life?
She’s doing it for attention?

there’s probably loads more potential reasons.

OP she's 18!

You do not have to house and provide childcare for an adult who isn't even nice to you!

Perhaps this is a "hill to die on" so to speak. Say of COURSE she can name her baby any name she chooses, but if she does go ahead with choosing a baby name that she knows you will find hard emotionally then you will need to focus on your own well being and she will need to rethink her living arrangements.

It would be a good idea to get some grief counseling, and a solid debrief of the experiences you went through.

Elliott (various spellings) is a popular name these days, and even if she acquiesced and named the baby William or James, or whatever, the chances are pretty high that he would one day have a friend or two named Elliott who you would have playing in your house, attending your grandson's birthday parties, and whom you would hear about from school, football, hobbies, etc.

How would you deal with a future son in law named Elliott if she eventually finds a partner or husband? How would you deal with a future partner or husband of your younger son or grandson named Elliott?