To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

I think most people would reasonably do this, but trying to tell a pregnant 18 year old to be reasonable is not easy. I feel for OP

She's being very insensitive. Where is she going to live after she has the baby? She's not expecting you to provide childcare is she?

OP needs to explain why it is so upsetting for her, she can suggest using Elliot as a middle name but if her daughter refuses, OP can't just say NO because it isn't her baby.

Her daughter lost her brother soon after her birth and she then had to go through cancer treatment herself as a two year old. Her life has been filled with trauma and its impact can't be ignored.

The worse things that can happen to a parent have happened to OP and her daughter's announcement of her baby's name has knocked her for six. Hopefully, her daughter will understand why her mum is so upset, but she still might insist on using her late brother's name. It may end their relationship but it is still her daughter's decision to make.

OP, I am so sorry. You went through Hell.

Becoming a mum may very well (as they say) be the making of her.

As for her choice of name, you have told her how you feel. I doubt that repeating it will make any difference. I expect that, maybe in time, the name will bring new meaning.

I wish you all so much happiness.❤

Do you think she feels that she lived her childhood in the shadow of her dead brother and that she maybe thinks she somehow lost part of her early childhood due to you and her dad grieving the loss of Elliot and this is a way of her getting at you?
I mean that in the nicest possible way, not as a criticism of how you coped or dealt with it at all. (I've also lost a child).

I think it's lovely if she really feels she wants to honour her brother but as others have suggested, using Elliot as a middle name does that whilst also allowing her child to grow up without the sad memories attached to the name on a daily basis.

I would be really
enthusiastic, and then she will probably change it!

Can you add a little more detail about her expectations of you when her baby is born? Where will they live and what role will you have? Will you be providing childcare OP?

How about suggesting a similar sounding name? Elijah? Elias? Ellis?

I agree I think perhaps recognising the impact he has had on her life. How being the one who lived when he died and being the one after him has had an effect on her.
She may not have met him but I suspect she feels she knows him in a way that is different to you and I think respecting that is a good starting point.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through in life, I can't imagine how incredibly hard it must have been for you, and of course your feelings about your beloved DS and the use of his name are completely valid.

I wonder if somewhere your DD has always carried a kind of survivors guilt, to be the one who survived the illness that took your dear son must be a difficult thing for her to process, perhaps the desire to use his name is her way of trying to cope with those feelings. I speak as someone who lost a brother at a young age.

I think in your shoes I would try to find a quiet moment when she is being less combative and tell her that the name has such deep connotations for you that it would cause you pain to hear it, you understad her desire to remember her brother but she can do that by using Elliot as a middle name, and her child can have a name to make his own. It is a big ask to use a child as a kind of memorial because it places a burden of expectation on them instead of letting them blossom as an individual.

Oh god OP. This is so selfish of her. We lost a family member very young and another family member named their first child after him. The lost child was a close relative of mine but I wasn't his mum.

His mum gave permission for the name to be used but I struggled massively with actually using the name for the new child for years. Still do to an extent - I always feel the need to clarify which "Xname" I'm referring to and I know my late relative's mum also struggles with it.

I was thinking this too.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

I think you are not being unreasonable at all. It sounds an incredibly hard situation. Is there anyone else who can talk this through with her? Her Dad or a grandparent or other family member? It sounds like, partly because of your relationship and how raw the situation will be for you, she won't "hear it" from you. I agree with the approach that the baby deserves his own name that isn't associated with such a sad loss and suggesting Elliot as a middle name (it's such a beautiful name).

Is she very far along in her pregnancy and do you think she'd be likely to change her mind?

Thanks everyone who’s replied so far, really appreciate the perspective.

To answer a few questions – I did ask if she’d consider using Elliot as a middle name instead but she shut that down straight away. Said she already has a middle name planned but wouldn’t tell me what it is, just said it’s “sorted”. So basically feels like it’s a done deal and I’m not meant to have any say or even feelings about it.

She also accused me of being a hypocrite because Elliot’s middle name is actually my youngest’s first name. That wasn’t really a planned thing, me and their dad just couldn’t agree on another boys name at the time and sort of landed on it by default. I do get how that might seem unfair to her, but I also don’t think it’s the same situation at all.

She doesn’t have a boyfriend, the baby’s dad isn’t involved as far as I know and I honestly don’t think he will be. She’ll be living here with me and her younger brother once the baby’s born. She hasn’t had any contact with her dad (my ex) for a few years now, completely her choice. Youngest still sees him but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. He was always firmer with her and she didn’t like that one bit. She always preferred to come to me when she wanted something and I usually gave in, which I know hasn’t helped long term.

I just feel like I’m being put in this impossible position. She’s under my roof, she’s still very young herself, I’m going to be helping with this baby, and now I have to try and separate the grief of losing one child with the day to day of helping raise another with the same name? It feels a bit cruel, honestly.

Still not sure what to do.

He’s a brother she never knew, but also a brother whose presence was felt throughout her childhood, who she is tied to not just by blood, but by a shared illness that she survived and he did not. I wouldn’t negate how strongly she may feel about this by comparing it to your own grief, as she could very easily double down and go ahead if only to ‘prove’ just how much he means to her, and in defiance of what she may see as you gatekeeping Elliot’s name and memory.

You obviously can’t stop her using the name. If she’s living with and being supported by you, you could try and leverage that, but be prepared for that not to work. While there are those that acquiesce if they feel backed into a corner, there are also those that will proverbially attack back and do anything but, even if to their own detriment.

I don’t think there’s realistically a ‘good’ outcome here, rather it comes down to whatever outcome you can best live with.

@Chromeal have you ever had an open and honest conversation with her about the impact all of this has had on you, her and your relationship. I don’t think it will be an easy one but I think defences need to be lowered and understandings reached on both sides the impact the loss and cancer has had on both of you

Not wanting to have to say and hear the name of your child who died is not “making it all about you” .
I am shocked at this response. Have you lost a child ? We lost a child in my close family and I know if one of my DD’s used that name for their baby (other than as a middle name) it would cause immeasurable grief to the parent. It’s an incredibly insensitive thing to do, and it’s also taking the grief of the OP and using it as a me me me me way of getting attention. It’s a really heavy load on a baby too.
I am named after a family member of my Mum, to whom Mum was very close, and who died very young. My name was chosen so that it is a related name but not the same name and not a shortened version, for just these reasons.

I feel for you so, so much.

This...

Can you put this in a letter to her...??

I'd also spell out... That this feeling you'll have, it's never likely to go away.

You're pleased she's honouring her brother but please do it in a different way...

My cousin and I are named after dead siblings of parents. In itself I think it is a lovely idea, and your daughter probably thought this too, and that you'd be pleased. The distress and grief of a loss is a very individual thing, and you are not at all unreasonable to feel the way you do. I hope she eventually understands this.

I do think it’s really cruel, yes.
I can see that she also feels some connection to that name and “ownership” of it, possibly guilt at being the survivor, but it’s still so cruel to use his name when you have said how upset it would make you.
It’s very immature, but while she will grow up and hopefully become kinder, her baby will have this name forever.

Do you feel bullied by your daughter OP? You’ve not said as much, but the fact that she’s planning on having this baby, no input from a father in your home and naming it something she knows will hurt you?

I really feel for both of you. She thought she was doing a really nice thing and it’s backfired spectacularly. It’s a horrible situation for both of you.

@Chromeal - I saw the post title and thought it would be the usual story about someone being precious over a name BUT in this case, you have every right to be and are not being unreasonable at all. Your DD is being very insensitive.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think it is harsh to call it cruel - loss of a sibling is a powerful one and even if you have never met them the loss emanates throughout your life and I think recognising that is a starting point for reconciliation

it is a heavy load for a baby but maybe that kind of is the point at issue - because it is a load she bares to and has down and perhaps wants to pass down

you both need to recognise and understand the impact the loss has had on you both