To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

Yanbu to feel as you do, but she is also not unreasonable to want to commemorate her brother. My husband lost his son last year, he was 16 and although not a suicide he did have a hand in it himself so I absolutely understand the emotional turmoil you are in. I cannot imagine what he would feel in your situation.

However, as kindly as possible, she does kinda have a point if you have used part of Elliot's name for your youngest son. I can see why she feels you are being hypocritical.

She may not have had to deal with the build up to his death, but his death clearly had a long reaching impact on you, her, her dad etc. It will have effected her ore deeply than I think you realise.

Perhaps some family counselling or mediation might be wise so you can all raise your reasons?

Your post is very much about her not thinking about the impact on you, but what about the impact on her?!

Feels like you both need to step back and try and see it from the other side.

I think those situations would be very different than hearing the name Elliot day in, day out in her own house on a baby that could even potentially have some resemblance to OP's Elliot.

Sorry for your loss.

A middle name after anyone is a tribute, not a first name. YANBU.

Talk about reaching …

YANBU at all, and your daughter sounds immature and cruel - which is probably not, by the way, your fault, but rather something that sometimes happens in families. Amongst my siblings we have a cruel one, plus four others who are a lot more considerate, yet we all had the same upbringing.

As to how you deal with this situation, I honestly have no idea.

How can your daughter depend on you for so much, mess up with this presumably unplanned pregnancy that impacts you so much, yet still ride roughshod over your feelings? I think a major re-think about the level of support you provide might be in order.

I am at a loss.

Agree.

Nobody escaped unscathed from the experiences you all went through. You've all gone through immense stress and loss.

Living through a potentially life ending illness as a child, even without the experience of a sibling who didn't, can have an enormous impact on personality, self perception, and family relationships. Throw in the death of the sibling and there's a perfect storm of long lasting emotional and psychological upheaval.

Try to be open minded about your daughter's motivation and intentions here. She may well be trying to heal either you or herself.

Did any of you receive any counseling at the time you were fighting through all that you went through?

Yanbu. Gosh reading your OP has made me cry. I’m desperately sorry for the loss of your son and everything you’ve now got to put up with. Is there a third party who could mediate and try to reach a resolution? I think as a middle name it would be fitting and honorary, but I can’t think why anyone would say it’s right that you should put up with that anguish replaying with your grandson.

I hope very much she will see sense. Wishing you strength. X

It's a very common thing to do, and I imagine she expected you to see it as a lovely thing to do, too. As
you can't stop her, I would seek support to try to reframe it as a positive thing OP.
I really feel for you though OP.

I know five Elliots aged between two and fourteen.

The OP is very upset at the idea of a baby Elliott, but I'm suggesting it's likely she may well be faced with a situation where another Elliott enters her life by a different route.

Whether you agree or not, and whether the baby eventually is named Elliott or not, some support as she deals with the long term effects of grief and trauma would be a really good idea. The OP will have another baby boy (of whatever name) in her home, and that in itself may well be very triggering for her, especially as the baby boy approaches anniversaries of diagnosis and treatment of her own son.

Support in trying to repair family relationships would be a good idea too.

this is good advice and you need a dedicated conversation not just a she said the name and I said. she doesn’t get the gravity. i think you should also focus on the baby and not you, eg. as a misdle
name allows the baby his own identity (as previous poster said) and that there is such overwhelming sadness around that name you don’t want him to have the burden of that?

I'm afraid I would be asking for her to move out if she insists on using that name, just to try and help her understand just how strongly you are against it.

I dont think you are being unreasonable in the slightest.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
I don't necessarily think she's being cruel. I suspect she thought she was doing a nice thing. It used to be a common thing to name people after deceased relatives and thought of as an honour. I get that it's more emotive when it's a child rather than a parent / grandparent, and that it's less common now, other than as a middle name, but she may not have realised the difference. I was looking at Hamilton's Wikipedia after seeing the musical and he went in to name another child Philip after his eldest Phillip died! Some people find comfort from it.

she's reacted badly to getting a different reaction than she thought from you. Teenagers are often very defensive. I'd be tempted to write a calm letter / email explaining that of course she can call the baby what she likes and it's her decision, and you think it's lovely she wants to honour her brother, but you (and possibly other people) are likely to find it very hard and be reminded of a very painful time, so you'd like her think through how that might affect the child and his relationships with his family, as well as your own mental health. Give her time to digest it without talking about it, or pressure to make a decision or change her mind, and you may find she becomes less defensive.

Perhaps because she was so young when he died and never really knew him, she sees him as more of an idea, not a real person? So maybe that’s why she can’t see a problem? The way she’s talking to you is cruel and dismissive. TBH, I think you’re going to have to be a bit blunt and unkind back. Tell her you knew Elliot and you know for sure he wouldn’t want his nephew to have the same first name and would hate it. Ask her why she’d do that.

YADNBU. A middle name would be what’s best and what’s a compromise.

I agree with this post. If she thinks she is mature enough to become a mother then she is old enough to get her own place and manage on her own.

After my youngest brother died soon afterwards one of my Mum's sisters unexpectedly fell pregnant with the last of her 5 DC and for some bizarre reason named him the same name as my dead brother. Nobody in the extended understood why, she wasn't close to my brother, it wasn't a family name and if she had liked the name so much she could have named one of her other older DC that name who had been born before my brother. My mother was so hurt and felt the sister did it deliberately to hurt her. My mother wasn't particularly close with that sister, but we did used to visit them from time to time. However, that was the nail in the coffin for my mother and my parents never saw my aunt again or that particular child, it was just too painful for them.

So I get it Op

I'm sorry your being put in this situation, I went through something similar with my late daughters name and it wasn't exactly the same name a close relative used, I think I would find it extremely difficult if it was and yanbu. It'd be a daily reminder as much as you'll still see this baby as its own individual. It upset other members of my family when this happened, we really didn't know how to deal with it at the time. The parent seemed oblivious to everyone's discomfort including my own. Your daughter needs to respect your grief and feelings around this. Maybe she thought you would be happy with the tribute but she really should have asked you even if that was the case

I came on wanting to say similar to this.

My DH was named after his father's deceased brother, who had been killed 5 years before DH was born. It doesn't seem that this was ever a problem in the family and it seems to have been appreciated.

Everyone is different though, and deals with loss very differently. You feel the way you feel and your feelings are valid.

I am very sorry for the loss you suffered, and it was then compounded by DD's illness not that long afterwards too.

I hope you and DD can find a way through this. She obviously feels that she is honouring her brother even though she would barely have known him. For you it remains extremely painful (understandably).

What name is she intending to use as the middle name? Could she be persuaded to swap them around?

In the end you really can't stop her using the name if her mind is made up. It would have been ideal if she had initiated some form of discussion about it with you, but she didn't. 18 year olds can be a bit immature that way still. She probably thought you would like it and appreciate the sentiment (keeping his memory alive etc.), but that has backfired and she is now digging her heels in.

All of that is irrelevant. We're talking about the OP's daughter deliberately choosing the name Elliot for her baby, despite it being explained to her that OP would be unable to come to terms with that, for reasons explained. Someone else named Elliot is neither here nor there.

This young woman won't be so combative about OP doing more than her fair share of baby care, I'm guessing.
She's at best, thoughtless, and at worst, rather cruel.

You are entitled to feel how you feel about this and have it be as triggering and traumatic as it may be. But she is equally entitled to want to honour her brother who she shared this illness with. She survived and he did not and his absence will absolutely have played a part in her entire life. If you can’t see that, just look to how upset you are at him using his name.

She is entitled to do this and as upset as you may be she is not unreasonable for making this decision. You should not guilt her out of honouring her brother the way she feels appropriate.

Do you ever consider she has survivors guilt? That is deeply traumatic in itself.

Oh this is very hard.

I am Jewish and our tradition is that you often honour a dead relative or ancestor by using their name for a new baby. Or a version of the name, doesn't have to be the same one. My aunt is called after her father who died before she was born.

BUT obviously in this case it's hugely insensitive of your daughter. She should have asked you.

If I were you I would have another conversation or write a letter and try and acknowledge that she's aimed to do a lovely thing here, but that it can't work for you. I would try and give her credit for her maturity in picking a special family name, and hopefully this will stop her reacting negatively to your need for her to alter her decision.

Ultimately if she won't change her mind then you'll have to come to terms with it or use another form (Eli?) as your nickname for him.

God help. How awful for you.
Pregnant selfish teenager under your roof.
Hell on earth.
Sounds like she rules the roost.
Maybe suggest she should put herself down for housing.
Life is going to get a lot harder for you.
I'm so sorry.
Yanbu.

I don’t disagree with the second part of your post but just because you know a lot of Eliots in no way means OP shouldn’t be upset at the idea of her grandchild living in her home being given that name. You’re just clouding the issue which is that OPs daughter shouldn’t be so unbothered by her mother’s pain which has been explained to her.

She had a younger son who may have resembled Elliott (I'm not saying he did). She used Elliott's middle name for the younger baby boy.

Thinking about it, suggesting Elliott as a middle name might make her wonder if the name meant anything to the OP, since she and her husband chose Elliott's middle name for their younger son's name apparently very casually.

I might be a little surprised and confused at the strong reaction if I were the daughter here, tbh.

Have you or any of your surviving children had any therapy around the loss of your son/their sibling?

Do you know what your DD’s internal story is about her late sibling? How does she talk about him? How do you talk about him with your children?

In general, I am a proponent of the “no-one owns a name, get over yourself” school of thought, but in this situation, I do think your feelings matter, OP. Right now, I would leave it, and hope that when the baby is born she might change her mind.

A lot of demonising of the young woman going on

• survived CA
• death of a brother by CA
• Parent divorce
• estranged from father
• will always be aware of the power & emotional impact the loss of her brother has

A Childhood of treatment,monitoring,health what ifs, developmentally that will impact
Mother-Daughter relationship shaped by CA. Impacting it’s dynamic
Now about to be a parent with an absent partner.

developmentally she’s experienced trauma. Because of the familial trauma Boundaries were negotiable and a dynamic that gave her a child control,and power. Difficult dynamics and the always present absence of dead sibling. Consciously and unconsciously that will impact. Unconsciously she may feel in competition with or resentment about dead sibling (that’s understandable)

some outrageously harsh recommendations, yes,do kick out a teen mum. That will teach her and oversimplification of a complex situation

I do recommend family and individual therapy

Dont do anything harsh, keep channel open