To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

I am so sorry. That is just so devastating. YANBU at all; even if she wants to honour her brother her consideration for you as his mother should far outweigh that.

As it means so much to you I would try one more discussion. It doesn't sound like she will be receptive but perhaps you could try. Maybe writing it down would be clearer? If she doesn't accept it you'll have to decide how far you want to push the matter but I think it's worth one more shot.

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful boy, and had the trauma of your daughter going through cancer after him. You must have amazing resilience and strength. I'm sure your lovely son felt so lucky to have you as his mother.

I think quite a lot of this thread can downplay the impact on the daughter by saying it didn’t happen to her.

An earthquake can be incredibly dangerous particularly if you are at the epicentre and I think the OP and the father certainly were. But an earthquake can cause a tsunami which is just as if not potentially more dangerous. And the daughter has been caught up in the tsunami of grief and it’s aftermath

I said before the fact that having grown up in the shadow of all of this to want to name your child after your brother based on the impact it has is beautiful- this situation can and does often cause resentment

the real issue is the relationship between them and how that can be sorted out because clearly over time any resentment about growing up in the tsunami of grief has been passed to the OP - probably as well the impact it had on her father and the relationship there. The fact the younger brother still has one doesn’t surprise me

I must say that I am surprised at the vitriol from many posters directed at OP's daughter. She has been called a spoilt brat and OP has been told to throw her out and let her fend for herself with her new baby.

These posters have entirely ignored the trauma that OP's daughter has been through as a child. Invasive cancer treatment can be utterly traumatic and painful for adults who understand what is happenening and why. OP's daughter was a two year old going through this with two parents grieving for her brother. She wouldn't have understood what was happening to her.

Her dad couldn't cope with the grief for his older son and left the family, and not even his daughter surviving the same cancer could make him stay. That must have made her feel unloved and unimportant and it is telling that the younger brother, who hasn't been through the same things as she has, is still close to his father.

I think that OP and her daughter both need therapy to deal with their unresolved issues and pain. There's a lot more behind OP's daughter's behaviour than just being a stroppy, selfish and insensitive teenager.

I don't think you read my post properly.

of course she can't stop her DD using whatever name she chooses, but she can say they can't live with her, so she doesn't have to hear his name in her home many times a day.

I think you need to sit down with her in a calm way and explain exactly what you've said here, tell her you love that she wants to honour her brothers memory but maybe it would be better as a middle name instead that way she can still honour him and just say that when you hear the name you will think of your son and not hers which is unfair to him aswell, so a name that is his own might be better and keep Elliot as his middle name, ultimately its her decision but I hope she can see how much its affecting you and changes her mind, I'm sorry for the loss of your boy

I think it's sweet that she wants to name her son after her brother.

Is there anyone who could meditate a discussion between you? Someone she would listen to?

The other thought I have is that you talk about her being quite stroppy at times, have you ever done it back to her. I’m wondering if it might be the moment to actually have a proper go at her. She’s being incredibly selfish and cruel. Your baby died. Your feelings come first in this. You are allowed to lose your shit over it.

No she really isn’t being selfish and cruel

she grew up in the shadow of a brother who died, she was a young cancer survivor and cancer is what took her brother away. She didn’t have a father because of it and my the OPs own admission her mother’s parenting was affected by it as well.

the death of her brother has crept into and overshadowed every single part of her life from the moment she was born. Honouring him may well be an important part of her growth and recovery from it and that needs to be recognised too

yes they need mediation but they both need to respect and understand the others feeling and perspective

@Chromeal did you manage to have a chat with her?

Agreed. I also think it would be a total slap in the face for the daughter to have OP make this about herself.

”Look, I know the grief at the loss of your brother took over and overshadowed your own survival and subsequent life, but can my grief just take centre stage again one last time in the wake of your own step into motherhood.”

I was kinder in previous posts because OP is entitled to feel how she feels but frankly she has made her feelings known and now needs to drop it and adjust to what will be reality very soon. This is the DD’s baby, the DD’s new chapter and entirely her decision.

OP, your daughter gave you warning to let you come to terms with this. She could have easily told you his name after he was born.

I agree with this, and honestly if you worry you'll resent an innocent baby because of his name, your daughter must move out. For her own sake and her child's.

I agree with this and I know you have mentioned quite a few times that you never took the hard line with her, so maybe it’s time to do it now as she is crossing a very serious line.

It’s ok to say you are not happy about this, it’s really wounding you, and she needs you a lot more than you need her right now and should not be so thoughtless towards you.
I’m not saying this in a callous way but she is not in a position to be bulldozing you about this. You are the one supporting her and giving her a home.

But I also think that she is probably very scared and anxious and is pushing and pushing you (in the must hurtful way) because that is sometimes what they do when they are most afraid, to get real assurance that they are safe.

You can say very forcefully that this is hurting you and it’s ok to say that. You shouldn’t be afraid to say it.

Get advice from a counsellor or therapist if you need support, if you have an employee assistance program, call them, it’s free and confidential. All the very best x

OP can be as forceful as she likes it’s not her baby. The mother can name her child whatever she damn well likes and OP’s emotions and trauma don’t trump her DD’s own. OP has made her feelings known. She can either get used to it or take herself back to therapy to learn how to get used to it.

I’m feeling increasing sympathy for the DD as time goes on. She really has lived her entire life in the vacuum of everyone’s grief and her own survivors guilt.

I don’t even think it’s about the name, it’s about hurting the mother because she is scared. That’s just my opinion and could be way off.

It is a fabulous name too though so I can see why you both love the name. Maybe start from there 💕

@3luckystars I don’t think it is about hurting at all I think it was about honouring a presence in her life she had never met by giving the name to her son. Which I think is quite beautiful

if it’s about hurting her mother then some serious therapy is needed for her and a real light shone on her childhood

my friend said to me once, : ‘you know when you go to a theme park, and you go onto a rollercoaster and they put the bar across your lap and the first thing you do is shake it like crazy to see if you are strapped in properly? That’s what teenagers are doing to us, they are shaking us like mad so they know they are safe’

that probably makes no sense to anyone else but it really did to me.

They seem to really lash out when they are scared and this girl is very young, only 18 and has been through a lot and is about to give birth. It was just an idea that maybe she is trying to push her mother by doing this because she is so scared.

Sorry if I worded it very poorly.
Like I said I could be way off and apologies if I am.💕

I think it is sensible to have a discussion with your daughter. However, I think it is important recognise that the loss has also happened to your daughter and there may be some unresolved trauma and issues.

I feel sad for both of you. DD wants to honour her brother by giving her child his name. It may mean a great deal to her and it is her right to name her own child. She may need to put her feelings above yours.
Once the baby is born you will love him for himself and as your grandson. It could be healing for both of you.

Your thread was one of those that I couldn't forget OP. How did you get on with your daughter in the end? I hope you were able to communicate to her and that even if she remained certain on the name that you have managed to explain yourself and perhaps found a way to process it and prepare for his arrival. Wishing you all the best.

Hi OP

I have read your updates and aware this is a thread that a pp has revived.

I think you’re dd is being very unfair. Also if she wants to live under your roof and have you help with the baby, she has to take account of your feelings.

She can’t have it both ways - she can’t say “I’m a grown up and this is my baby” on the one hand and then expect you to automatically house her and be of practical help on the other. I cannot see how she could expect you to care for and live with a baby and then a child who has your DS’s name.

This must be so hard for you. I’m so sorry.