To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

I feel so sorry for you and your daughter. You are correct in that she didn't sit in those wards or watch him fade away. But as a 2 year old she was a patient in those wards. I don't know how invasive the treatment was but it must have been a traumatic experience for a two year old and will have meant being separated from you and her dad for at least some of the time.

You say that Elliot's death broke something in your ex-husband and it resulted in you splitting up. To your daughter, that could have made her feel that she wasn't enough for him to stay for, that he couldn't cope with the loss of her brother but he was fine leaving her. Did you have any family therapy to deal with these traumatic events?

I'm so so so sorry. Its a visceral reaction. Your daughter can name the baby as she wishes but it has touched a raw part of you and you need to take time to come to terms with it. We lost a baby 25 years ago, stillborn, and then my niece was born on the exact same day as the day he died 12 years ago. Nobody noticed, but I did. I was gutted. My baby had so little, apart from his birthday which was also the day he died and I felt someone had stolen it. I got over it. Now on that day, me and husband go out together to remember so that it is still his special day.

I haven't read all the replies, just OP's posts. I can not imagine the pain you still feel from losing your son and from coming close to losing your daughter but I wonder if my perspective which echoes your daughter's might help? My DM had a much younger sister that I was very close to when I was small. She was 10 years older than me but I adored her. I was aware that she wasn't like other people - she didn't always go to school, she coughed a lot and would be sick, but she was amazing. She died when I was 4. The whole family was devastated and it suddenly seemed to me that it was though she had vanished. All her photos were taken down off the walls, her name was never mentioned and I was an adult before I remember talking about her.

When I unexpectedly found myself pregnant with my youngest I was determined to honour my aunt by using her name. My grandparents were gone, I had one elderly great aunt and my DM and her two remaining siblings were still alive. DM and DGA were not happy with me using the name but it was vitally important to me that she was not forgotten. Unlike your daughter I chose to use the name as a middle name (very old fashioned now) but it caused tension between me and DM. However even now, over 20 years later, it still makes me smile to know that my beautiful aunt is not forgotten and something of her lives on in my daughter.

I hope for all of your sakes that you can find a way through this that is peaceful and happy for all of you.

Maybe write her a short letter detailing how it would hurt you for the name to be used and although it’s a kind gesture (she had good intentions?) it is not what you would like to happen. Ultimately it’s her child and she gets to decide but you feel it wouldn’t be right for her to go ahead without knowing how you feel about it.

She also accused me of being a hypocrite because Elliot’s middle name is actually my youngest’s first name. That wasn’t really a planned thing, me and their dad just couldn’t agree on another boys name at the time and sort of landed on it by default. I do get how that might seem unfair to her, but I also don’t think it’s the same situation at all

I cannot begin to imagine the loss and devastation that you and your family have be through. But to me, the above does change things a bit I think, and I can see more where your daughter is maybe coming from. Why can't she use a name that you yourself, have already used again for another child - presumably that's how she's seeing it?

This is such a tricky situation. You've both been through trauma, but losing a child is one of the worst traumas imaginable, and she won't realise this until she's got her own child in her arms.

The dynamic between you sounds really difficult too, and understandable given the circumstances. Is there any way you can sit her down and set some boundaries for at least this the one conversation?

Tell her no raised voices, no eye rolling, no interruptions, no walking off. Maybe do something symbolic like hold a teddy (Elliot's teddy might be most powerful) when you are talking and then hand it to her when you're finished so she can talk - only the person with the teddy can talk. Explain to her how you feel - use the language you've used in this post because it's raw and real and the strength of your pain comes across. I know she's a teen so her empathy is tuned down low, but surely, surely she will understand. Can't she use "Eli" or something similar but not the same?

Wishing you luck with this one <3

OP…even if we take your feelings out of the situation, I think it might be hard for your grandson to grow up with his identity so closely tied to your DS. You could try talking to your daughter from the perspective of being worried about the burden that might make him feel?

She probably thought you’d be really honoured and pleased.

She’s now shot you and your feelings down because she felt embarrassed and sad that you weren’t happy about it. Even if she lashes out at you you are her mum and she will want your approval.

She also had the same illness as him but survived it - just because she didn’t know him doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel him and feel a connection. Hopefully you didn’t say this to her, that she didn’t know him, as he must mean a lot to her. She might be a complete brat but she has feelings too - sounds like too many she doesn’t know what to do with.

she’s your little girl and she’s pregnant and confused and wants your attention.

perhaps I’m wrong on and she’s doing it to wind you up - either way she wants your attention.

Children aren't generally separated from their parent on an oncology ward (or any children's ward in my experience), they also tend to have fold out beds so a parent can stay overnight with them as well.

She's 18; legally an adult but still young, and still OP's daughter who she loves. Children are precious, living ones as well as those who were lost. How can she make DD homeless while she's pregnant?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I don't think I have ever cried reading a thread before. I can't imagine what you have and are going through.

You sound like a wonderful person.

I would be tempted to send this thread to your daughter to read in her own time.

I wish you all the best.

Oh gosh my heart hurt for you reading that!

of course you’re not being unreasonable but it doesn’t sound like DD will be open to listening.

I think you need to assume and prepare yourself for this to happen. Practice saying his name out loud and imagine holding him etc to reduce the amount of shock you might feel.

Let’s hope in some way she is trying to be honourable… and keep fingers crossed she uses it for the middle name.

I’m so sorry to read your story. How incredibly difficult those years must have been for you, and now too I’m sure.

I totally understand your point of of view. YANBU. However, kindly, your daughter is 18 years old and she will not have the emotional maturity now to understand how this is for you. I’m afraid it won’t be until she has her own children and grows up (a lot) that she might come to understand why you felt like this. It will likely be too late by then as your grandson will be called Elliot.

Hopefully when he’s here, you will find some healing.

Wishing you lots of love xx

Wow I’m so sorry that sounds so hard and terribly unlucky for your daughter also to then suffer the same too. However I totally agree with you, I would feel the same. Maybe put it in writing to her… write a letter about how it makes you feel. It’s very selfish of her.

Respectfully OP it isn’t something you should be trying to talk your daughter out of. Maybe this is your opportunity to adjust to the idea and see it as something healing. Instead of thinking how traumatic it will be seeing a new baby carry that name and watching him grow up when your Elliot couldn’t; you need to think “how beautiful that this Elliot will live a long and happy life and carry the memory of his brother. How beautiful to see my grandson laugh and have a hint of my own Elliot alive again in the world.”

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy but this is (respectfully) your daughters decision and you can either choose to feel victimised by her valid decision or you can move forward and work to adjust your thinking on it entirely.

But presumably when your daughter had cancer she did sit on wards, very unwell, not knowing if she was going to make it either. And the two people looking after her at that time were (to use your description) broken with grief. Her own father drifted away from her because he couldn’t cope with the loss of his son. That must make her feel like a consolation prize, especially with the way you have described her in subsequent posts.

Your DD and touch wood your DGS are alive and that is something to celebrate and I hope you can find a way of preventing your grief from being the most important thing about your family. Your late son was and is an important part of your family but your grief is not.

I agree with others - write her a letter - begin with your love for her, and her journey into being a mum is just beginning, and then the name.

if you do this, then you know you’ve done all you can.

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

OP's daughter was 2 when she had cancer. It can be hard for older children to understand, I can't imagine a 2 year old understanding to the extent that she was sat on the ward contemplating if she was going to make it or not.

Is she absolutely closed off to the idea of Elliot being her baby’s middle name instead of first name? It’s a really hard situation and I can see both sides but I think she should consider your feelings and the impact it’s having on you and compromise by having Elliot as the middle name.

What an incredibly tough situation. I'm really sorry for your loss OP.
The thing to try and remember in all of this, I think, is that she hasn't decided on the name to upset you or to hurt you or to cause you pain. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. I think it's come from a place of pure love - for you and for her brother.

I think you've both been blindsided - you never expected she would choose to name her baby after her brother and she probably didn't expect you to be so vehemently against her using the name.

Perhaps give it a few days to let things settle down, so you can both have a think about things. If you feel the same way, I'd try another chat. Start off with how wonderful it is that she feels so connected to her big brother and how great it is that he's in her heart and her thoughts - because it is great.

You mentioned that your younger son has your elder son's middle name. I wonder if your daughter has chosen her younger brother's first name as her son's middle name.

I really hope you both manage to resolve this. This is something that has come up because there is an incredible amount of love in your family.

I’m so sorry @Chromeal , this is so difficult for you. The fact she is going to be living with you so really important, as this would clearly hurt you every day.

Would you consider writing her a letter setting out how painful this is and how you couldn’t t cope with having a little one and the same house with your son’s name? If she goes ahead anyway i honestly would consider telling her to find a new home as I’m worried this will wreck your mental health.

I think the key here may be to talk to her about it but making the distinction in your words about the grief you still feel over your dead son. Not her dead brother.

she’s asking you to be ok with a baby in the house sharing a name with your dead child. I think it being discussed in relation to her dead brother means she feels ownership over the relationship and loss.

and even though Elliot has been kept alive in memory, for her it still won’t really be a loss she truly feels rather than one she knows happened. Because she was too young to directly experience it. On some level it’s like being upset by a historical event you learnt about. It’s nowhere as comparable to those who lived through it.

i woukd tell her what you’ve said here though about the rawness of the moment he died. Make it very real to her.

in all honesty it doesn’t sound like she’ll back down from this so you may to make peace with pulling away from her and the baby.

I am so sorry for your loss op.

I doubt this will help given the complexity of the emotions involved - but on a practical level it may interest your daughter to know that most babies i come across have two middle names - so she could use the middle name she has chosen as well as your son’s name.

Wishing you all the best.

I suspect there’s a lifetime of a dynamic between you and your daughter that makes it very difficult for either of you to put yourself in the shoes of the other. The death of your son has had a huge impact on your DD and the family unit she grew up in. She essentially lost her father to the grief of her brothers passing.

I think it will difficult for her to acknowledge your feelings when you won’t acknowledge hers.

I can’t imagine the trauma you went through but I hope that it doesn’t rob you of a relationship with your daughter.

She’s been through a lot herself and always had her brother hanging over her. It will be hard for her too, so try see her side. She will have been painfully aware of the gap he’s left that she couldn’t fill, so there will be lots of emotions pent up that need dealing with that you won’t resolve by arguing with her. The pain of what happened is not just yours, it’s hers too.