To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

Absolutely agree - it's disgusting.

I think this is a lovely idea. Write her a letter so she has time to digest what you are saying. Even if her gut reaction now is heels in, im honouring my brother, she may change her mind over the next few months. Just write a letter and say no more.

I do think it's lovely that she wants to honour her brother in this way. I bet she thought you'd be thrilled and doesn't yet understand your reaction.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Elliot, your little boy. I cant imagine the pain.

I agree with you. I couldn't believe what I was reading.

Sorry for your loss.
I think telling her how sad it makes you will get you nowhere. I would approach it from the angle of baby being their own person without any sadness involved and push for a middle name.
Im against naming in honour of a recent relative as I feel like it might bring their difficult fate onto a newborn. I know it sounds ridiculous so I don’t know if you can use this sort of argument with your daughter.

Another one agreeing - that comment made me feel sick.

So sorry your DD is doing this. There is still time for her to change her mind. Could she be saying this to be deliberately cruel to you OP?

My teen dd was quite frankly bloody awful.
Very defiant.. School refuser.. Dropped out of college..
Just had a baby at 18
.
Been the making of her... I work ft and she is still at home. She knew keeping the baby meant hard work for her.. Not me. She is shaping up very nicely... Her bf is fantastic...
The dc has barely affected us (me /dh /siblings) at all. Happy to hold. Happy to hand back a screaming dc.. Very satisfying tbh!!
*the handing back.
Get those boundaries in place op.

I know, hate to think the sort of person they are in real life.

At 18 years old, I assume she intends to live with you? I would be making it clear that if she can’t respect your feelings enough to use your sons name as a middle name, you won’t be able to have her living with you. If she’s decided she’s independent enough to name her child without considering you, she is independent enough to house herself.

Admittedly, I might not follow through with that, but as the mum of a stillborn baby, I can imagine the pain of living with that constant reminder and I’m not sure I could handle it,

She'd do better to honour her brother by being the best possible daughter to his loving mother.

This is so horrible, an impossible situation. Your feelings are valid, but so are hers. I don’t necessarily agree with the posters who say that it’s her immaturity shining through and it’s to do with her age. I have to say, it was Her brother, as much as it was your son, and even though she wouldn’t remember him because of how little they both were, She may feel a sense of guilt that although they had the same illness, it was him that passed and not her (As morbid as it sounds). I totally hear where you’re coming from in terms of your grandson being a constant reminder of the turmoil you’ve been in, but it could also be how she handles her own grief And Who to say whose grief is more important?

I do agree, it warrants another conversation and maybe a suggestion that it could be a middle name once the emotion settle, But ultimately, try to also see where she is coming from.

What an absolute c**t of a comment.

OP, I think your daughter is being incredibly insensitive. Whether she’s aware of that is another matter. I don’t know what to advise, but I hope she has a change of heart. I would hate the idea.

Im so sorry.

YABU. It's her baby and her choice.

But you're entitled to express your thoughts. She's entitled not to listen.

My brother’s son is named after my brother who died shortly after birth! My DM was over the moon that they chose to remember my elder brother in the way they did!

If she refuses to change the name, maybe come up with a nickname that isnt triggering to your grief and use that? I know a bit of a wet fish of a suggestion but if she’s really unmoved by attempts to reason with her, it’s all you can do really

That’s great, everyone’s happy. Would they have reconsidered if she had felt the way OP does?

Well, the honoring her brother gives her a virtue boost. Doubt she will change her mind.

It's her baby and her choice BUT presumably she's going to carry on living with her mum and expects her mum to financially support both of them. So she needs to start having a bit more respect for her mother and her feelings.

I wouldn't be happy with my 18-year-old falling pregnant - sorry OP but I wouldn't be - and if they were going to live with a baby in my house, it would be very much by my rules. I appreciate it's difficult putting boundaries in retrospectively, but on the other hand, your daughter does sound extremely entitled and not the ideal person to be raising a child herself. You need to start doing it or you'll be run ragged.

Aside from everything else, I think it's not good for a child to be named after one who died so young. The new baby needs and deserves his own identity. Would she consider changing the name for her own childs sake?

I think she has the right to do this and be supported in her decision if it is what she wants. She is pregnant very young and will not have the ability to look at things like this with the perspective of someone who’s been an adult for a while before becoming a parent. Sh isn’t doing anything wrong, and the same choice with a different perspective and for different people could just as easily be seen as a beautiful, considerate gesture.

While the loss you your son will have been devastating for you and that does deserve recognition, the loss of her brother will have affected your daughter as she grew up too. She was raised by people going through the grief of losing a child, and that will have made a difference to the parenting and family situations she experienced. Your boy was your daughters brother as well as your son.

First off, my hearts goes out to you for all you went through and lost. Of course the name Elliot is special and sacred to you. And most people in your position would be pretty soft on their remaining children.

Your DD seems to lack empathy, and I don't think that her name choice has much to do with honoring her brother since she has no memory of him, only what you shared as his mother. Her response to you telling her how her decision makes you feel underscores her complete unwillingness to consider your feelings. Yes, she is 18 and therefore extremely immature, but this is really very callous.

I'd tell her that using Elliot as a middle name would be an appropriate way of honoring her brother's memory, but using that name as a first name would be directly hurtful to you.

Could her dad, grandparents or the new baby’s dad talk to her about it? Explain how much you want to love the baby without bad memories overwhelming you. That even hearing the name fills you with dread and leaves you feeling sick and shaky?

At 18 she may lack the imagination to understand what a trauma the treatment was, let alone losing Elliot.

Your grief and feelings are perfectly reasonable. Nonetheless It may be worth looking for some bereavement counselling to help you process the remnants of the trauma, and give you a fresh start with this baby.

I'm so, so sorry about the loss of Elliot.

My mother has very, very rarely "interfered" in our child raising - she has mentioned later on she doubted some of the things we did, e.g. blw she was horrified by until she saw how well DS ate compared to her friends grandkids.

The only thing she has ever been insistent about was not naming any of her grandchildren after my deceased brother. DS1 has my brothers middle name as his middle name. But it's also my father and grandfathers middle names.

I'd echo others to try the conversation at another time, or write to her. I hope you can show her the wounds this would reopen, and that not all remberance needs to be public.

Did you read that the OP doesn’t feel this way!
🙄

I agree that writing a letter to her is a good idea. Avoid the confrontation and let her read it calmly and try to understand.
And yes, if she is living with you when she has the baby (which I assume is a big possibility given her age), then she has even more reason to consider your feelings on the matter.

I’m so sorry for all the loss of your son.