To just want to go to one event where the step mother isn’t there too

[Skibbidy]

I don’t dislike her. She’s been in their lives since they were very small (me and exDH divorced over 10 years ago). We share them 50/50 - she’s a good step mum and the kids like her a lot. All good

But - they both have a tendency to take over anytime we have to attend anything. My particular bugbear is parents evenings where the teachers will often to talk to ex and step mum and just ignore me. I’m not exactly a wallflower but it happens constantly.

When one of the D.C. was in hospital this year I had to keep reminding the doctors that actually I was “mum” and they could address their questions to me.

We went to the sixth form for DS and same thing, teachers just addressing those two, and not me.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I’d just like one parents evening which isn’t the ex DH and step mum show tbh

I find it odd that the SM goes to parents evening anyway. It should never have started. The hint is in the name. She is not the parent, and having 3 people there is ridiculous

Why on earth is she at parents evenings?

I agree it's unusual to have step-parents present at teacher meetings, doc apoointments and similar, when both parents are already there. School plays or football games - sure.

Why is she going to parents evenings and even in the room when there are discussions with a Dr. That is really overstepping

This is a battle I’ve long since stopped fighting tbh.

Initially it was because ex DH felt it was good for all of us to be informed to support DC. At the end of the day, I can say no, but if she comes what was I ever really going to be able to do? Then it just went on and on. And she became more and more vocal. Now it’s everything and everytime

Step parents can’t win.

They’re told they should treat their stepchildren as their own, that they have to love them the same as their own biological children and that they’re monsters if they have any negative feelings towards being a step parents yet they’re slated for being too involved and over bearing in the same breath.

They can’t win.

Tell him that you dont want her attending anymore. Simple.

Does she have parental rights? If not state each and every time firmly “excuse me but Mrs Xx does not have parental rights so you may not discuss my child with her”.

Just say “excuse me, can i speak for a moment as DSs mum. Thanks”

It’s not her place to attend school events in my opinion and I would be telling her so.

I can’t imagine my kids’ step mum going along to any of these things! Even before the and exh had additional children. She just wouldn’t - and I don’t think exh would ever think of it either.

It must be very annoying that the teachers and so on ignore you- I would pick this up every time this happens.

It’s also weird if they’re standing / sitting in a way that emphasises they are “a pair”.

I think this comes across as fairly obviously arsey. I think if OP feels this is an issue she really must tackle (and, tbh, being a bit quietly annoyed and then getting on with it seems like a fine option to me) then the place to do that is absolutely not at parents' evening itself. It will be awkward for everyone - including the poor DC. Parents' evening isn't about any of the adults, it's about the child.

This

I got massively berated on the step parenting forum for having no interest in attending parents evening. I was told that "those poor children didn't deserve to live with someone so uninterested in them"....

I find it odd that she goes. I've never been to a parent's evening for my stepkids. Agree with the comments about SMs not being able to win though. But my style is to not get involved which also gets criticised. Not that I really care.

Just ask for separate appointments.. No way in Hell would I have gone with exh.

Ask for a meeting with the teacher to discuss your child. At the meeting say that I know their stepmother is quite vocal but I still don’t understand why all the discussion seems to be directed at the childrens dad and his wife. It seems I am going to have to request follow up one on one meetings every time just in order to be heard and listened to about my child.

I bet they will work out how to speak to you very quickly to avoid having an extra meeting every time. If not, book the extra meetings. Ask lots of questions.

Yeah, make it all the problem of some teacher. They'll have loads of time on their hands to be drawn into drama between two parents and one of their new partners.

My DC's school will only allow one appointment per child and won't agree to requests for one per parent, presumably to avoid getting caught up in this kind of petty nonsense between adults.

Stepmum should not be at parents evenings. Tell her/ex-DH how you feel.

I don't think the step mum should be going to parents evenings. It's great that she is engaged but she can always get that info from her husband when he gets home.

On the face of it I agree with you. But what’s the likelihood that she’s supporting this child with their home/school work just as much, if not more than their father? If she’s the one sat every weekend with their reading book, practising spellings and times tables and helping them complete projects, it makes as much sense for her to be there as anyone else. Surely the more support for your dc, the better? If you’re finding parents evening irritating, I don’t think it would be out of order to ask to have one separately from your partner

She is overstepping.

Step parents at school events fine, more the merrier.
Step parents at parents evening, nope unless one parent is out of the picture. You don't need more than two people at parents evening

She’s overstepping imo she should not be at a parents evening .

Op get in and ask questions quickly that will get the attention even stuff like, I'm so sorry I forgot your name

They can, if they have a normal amount of cop on. Any clown would know that that is overstepping massively.