To just want to go to one event where the step mother isn’t there too

[Skibbidy]

I don’t dislike her. She’s been in their lives since they were very small (me and exDH divorced over 10 years ago). We share them 50/50 - she’s a good step mum and the kids like her a lot. All good

But - they both have a tendency to take over anytime we have to attend anything. My particular bugbear is parents evenings where the teachers will often to talk to ex and step mum and just ignore me. I’m not exactly a wallflower but it happens constantly.

When one of the D.C. was in hospital this year I had to keep reminding the doctors that actually I was “mum” and they could address their questions to me.

We went to the sixth form for DS and same thing, teachers just addressing those two, and not me.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I’d just like one parents evening which isn’t the ex DH and step mum show tbh

This.

She needs to know her place, and that place is not stepping in front of the children’s Mother.

Contact school, in writing, and inform them that this woman has no parental right and therefore should be excluded from all communication s regarding your children.

I came on to say exactly this - though tbh @elfendom put it more succinctly than I was going to.

I'm a stepmother, I have been for years, I've never been to a parent's evening. I get on well with the children's mum, but I know she's the mum, they've got a mum, they don't need me wading in with size 9s.

She's overstepping the mark. Being a stepmother is hard and you don't get any thanks for it and it's bloody hard knowing where the line is sometimes - but there is a line!

I disagree with the PP around making this the teachers and doctors problem. This should be fixable between you and exH as it pertains to what’s best for your DC. Having separate communications means things are likely to missed or lost in translation.

Can you negotiate with exH around appropriate occasions and ways SM participates - tickets to year-end show, wonderful, clap all you want! Hospital / medical - absolutely not, just 2 in the room. Parents evening - no, or as a silent observer only.

You and exH need to show up as ‘we are DC’s parents, and questions should be addressed jointly to us.’ One idea might be for you to both prep ahead of time and agree to take the lead with different teachers or on diff topics, and/or for you to agree to keep your inputs brief and end with ‘anything to add OP/exH?’

Who do the children live with?

This really isn't an example of that and I think most adults would be self aware enough to understand it's a huge overstep. If the children's mother is literally there in the room, there is no reason for a stepmother to be present at parents evening or being briefed by medical staff in hospital.

@Skibbidy - if you get on well with the stepmum, could you ask her not to come along to hospital consultations, and school parent-teacher evenings? Say something like “I really appreciate how much you care for dc, but people are getting confused and addressing you as if you are dc’s mum, and ignoring me. Would you mind letting Ex and I attend these meetings on our own, please.”

I agree - she’s probably been on MN for advice and read the many threads where hands off step mums have been made out to be the the Wicked Witch of the West for being uninterested in performing a parental role for the SDC.
I myself refused to do it on the basis that I’d be the only one out if the 4 of us (DSD, DH, Ex and I) pretending I was her parent so why the fuck would I? Why would anyone? Baffling.
Anyway, it’s done now and the child has to be the priority. How would they feel about their SM suddenly being made to back out of their lives? Would they feel more or less comfortable? It might be that they have also felt this level of involvement overbearing. Has anyone asked them how they feel about their set up?

Sounds like you’re letting your ego get in the way.

Bet the school remembers that you're mum when they want someone to collect your child though.

Of course they can.

They should ask, up front, of both parents, if their presence is necessary, with the presumption that it is not because they aren't the parent and have no say.

To do otherwise is massively overstepping, spectacularly ill mannered and a breach of privacy.

It's probably a 10 minute appointment. Why would you waste it ego-wrestling with another adult rather than using it for it's actual purpose - to discuss your child?

It seems like OP's kids are teens. So many of these suggestions are much more likely to result in them saying they'd rather OP didn't come at all - from their perspective, and indeed that of the teacher, it'll be her, not the SM, who is making a scene.

The teacher is the one who is failing to address or focus on their students mum. There’s no drama of the parents not getting on or petty nonsense between the parents, and I don’t know where you got that from. The issue is the teacher - if the teacher politely directed 50% of attention to their students mum instead of his father’s partner at PARENT teacher interviews the op would be fine. It is a very reasonable and indeed minimal expectation. Do you not expect to be able to request a meeting with a teacher during term to discuss your child? We have always been able to do that.

You should be discussing it with your ex and nothing more. It’s about the kids, don’t act up or start making a fuss at school. Just deal with it like an adult and tell him she needs to back off

I agree.
There was a thread recently where a stepmum was berated for not picking her sick stepchild up from school because she had plans to go to a show with her children.

It truly amazes me that stepmums seem to have a form of parental responsibility for the children when it suits the parents, and then all of a sudden their presence is annoying and overstepping.

She shouldn’t be attending. I can’t believe this has been accepted for so long. Time to speak up, OP.

I would ask her not to attend

however if she does and the teacher or whoever only talks to them I would interrupt each and everyone with please can you look at me when talking as I am the mother. And I would also suggest that you sit next to dad and stepmom sits where you do

People saying she is over-stepping - she's been in their life since they were tiny and she has them 50/50 so is probably helping with school work/school runs etc. It's not weird to go to a parents evening (which may as well be called carers evening) to see how they are doing and where more support might be needed.

OP if you hate this then you need to have a conversation with her and your ex - it's the not the fault of the teachers (as some have suggested) they just deal with what is in front of them. You need to tell her if you don't want her to go and have a very good reason as to why that is. She's not doing it to hurt anyone, she is clearly trying to help.

Honestly it smacks of jealously, which is sad after all this time - is there more going on than this? I feel for you to have posted this, but it feels like this isn't really about parents evening to be honest.

It truly amazes me that stepmums seem to have a form of parental responsibility for the children when it suits the parents, and then all of a sudden their presence is annoying and overstepping.

OMG this @funinthesun19 You only have to read the threads on the step-parenting board to see it.

How many times have I been told, I married a man with children so I am now responsible for them (Spoiler alert: I am not, they have two parents they don't need another) but dip one little pinky toe into any area that might potentially upset Wife No 1 and you are overstepping, back off bitch!

Wow. Could you link to that thread?

That might work if only the two women were in the room. But in both these cases the father is also there and he can say "Oh yes you can". One parent can't automatically overrule the other, just because she's the mother.

Also-I’ve been teaching for decades. I have never had a step parent turn up with two parents. Weird.

Well circumstances vary and it does sound like your children have a loving step mum. It also sounds a bit late to change things. I’m a step mum and I had to step up and do things because dsds mum wasn’t available for various reasons, done beyond her control but mostly choice. Dsd is very please I come along to performances etc, her mother’s absence is noted.

YANBU. This would really upset me. She shouldn’t have been at the hospital at all to be honest. They sound like one of those couples who have to do everything together.

There was a thread awhile ago started by a teacher who didn’t have enough slots for parents evenings. Someone told me that my family situation wasn’t the teacher’s problem and my child shouldn’t take up two parents evening slots because I’m divorced from their dad. It made me feel like shit tbh. FWIW the only reason we have taken 2 slots sometimes is because my ex doesn’t always communicate with me and books his own slot. So I’m not sure what the answer is.

Who looks after the other child/children when all three of you are at these appointments? Can you casually ask to your ex husband if it would be possible for her to look after the other child instead of coming to the appointments? Therefore she is still “involved”. You could say you think it’s overkill for there to be 3 adults there, and unfair for the teachers?

There is a balance to be struck though.