To just want to go to one event where the step mother isn’t there too

[Skibbidy]

I don’t dislike her. She’s been in their lives since they were very small (me and exDH divorced over 10 years ago). We share them 50/50 - she’s a good step mum and the kids like her a lot. All good

But - they both have a tendency to take over anytime we have to attend anything. My particular bugbear is parents evenings where the teachers will often to talk to ex and step mum and just ignore me. I’m not exactly a wallflower but it happens constantly.

When one of the D.C. was in hospital this year I had to keep reminding the doctors that actually I was “mum” and they could address their questions to me.

We went to the sixth form for DS and same thing, teachers just addressing those two, and not me.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I’d just like one parents evening which isn’t the ex DH and step mum show tbh

You would be complaining if she paid no interest in the children. Surely if you have split custody then she has a right to be involved as she is half raising the children too

It isn’t an either/or situation, though, @kikikaka - the stepmum can be involved, caring and interested without overstepping the mark, and supplanting the actual mum in important conversations with teachers and doctors.

Yeah it's fine if she attends and takes a back seat but it doesn't sound like she is.

All these step mums saying they have a right as they look after them - yes they have a right to some input via the dad attending and asking questions. But if the mums ifls there, they should only go if the mothers happy with it and not take over. Unless if course the bio mum is a waste of space. It all depends on the circumstances but a lot of step mums on here just bring up their own agendas as OP has repeatedly said the issue is the other woman taking over and over stepping. And she has every right to be aggrieved at this

I think you're going to have to be a bit more assertive. The teachers and doctors are talking to her presumably because she is talking to them. You may need to make quite clear at the outset of these meetings that the decision makers in the room are you and their father. That's it.

If you find this difficult then there are plenty of therapists out there who can help you with that sort of thing - CBT can help anyway if you have difficulty asserting yourself, though there are also "life coaches" who can help. Personally I think it's good to understand WHY we behave the way we do, and examine the reasons why we act the way we do (either consciously or otherwise). It's very helpful, and given your children learn from you how they should interact with others then it may well help them to see that mum isn't a wallflower and can be the person who runs a meeting/is the person in the room who is in charge/being spoken with, rather than a person who lacks confidence etc.

Personality types don't change overnight - so don't be harsh on yourself. I would also say that it's great that the step mum is taking an interest in the kids and wants to be there for them - so this seems more like a situation where there are some tweaks that need to be made, rather than some big time horribles going on.

Stepmom should attend all events. It makes children feel safe and that they don’t have to choose. Maybe mom can make a date to speak with teachers separately, perhaps take turns.

Oh for gods sake, of course there is no stepmum should attend all events, it depends on the role they play and if there’s a caring mum in the child’s life. Children can feel perfectly safe at parent teacher interviews without their step parent.

Maybe you need to give this feedback to the school?

Just say you felt sidelined and that your questions weren’t being answered etc. It might be the case that each side of the family requires their own slot for parents evening going forward, I’m sure the school would have dealt with this before. Not all exes are amicable. I’m sure there may even be issues with legal matters like restraining orders where both ex-partners can’t attend parents evening together.

Frankly I think what’s best, is what the kids want. If the kids want her there, it’s detrimental to them to not have her there for the sake of OP’s ego.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I mean, it’s not rocket science. The staff involved (school, hospital etc) are only human. They’re likely not intending to exclude you. But they likely are just not used to actively addressing 3 people simultaneously in these matters. Most children have 1 or 2 caregivers in attendance, not 3. They’re speaking to a crowd of you essentially. It’s likely slightly awkward for the staff too.

Plus, part of it is likely that your ex and his new partner are more friendly and approachable. They feel comfortable/poised/confident cause they’re not thinking about you. Whereas you feel self-conscious as you anticipate being sidelined, so whether you intend to or not, you might be giving off a slightly quiet or tense vibe. If I am speaking to the public at work, I might naturally gravitate or make more eye contact with someone who is more enthusiastically engaging with me for example.

it also sounds like step mum might just naturally come across as more of a leader if that makes sense where she isn’t taking a backseat but is actively asking questions and getting involved.

I find it a bit odd (and I’m a step mum). I wouldn’t dream of going to parent teacher interviews or hospital (unless they were in a for a long time). I tend to go to things like dance concerts, school plays, etc. I have no clue how either step child is going at school, other than fine. I don’t read their reports or ask for detailed information.

What rubbish, you can be a supportive step parent without taking over and being at every meeting or event for the child, apply common sense.

I know you've introduced yourself as the DCs mum OP, but how about at the next meeting or consultation you say, "just for the avoidance of doubt, I'm Jane Doe, I'm Jenny's mother and John here is her father. Oh and this is her stepmother". Big smile, don't mention the SM's name at all.

Well that’s an entirely different thing to say now isn’t it?
also it sounds to me ok for her to be there, but dominating the conversation is pretty insensitive, she shouldn’t do that and the teachers should pick up on it and talk to the actual mum.

This a parents' evening. For the parents to discuss the education of their child.

Any safeguarding or personal aspects need to be addressed beforehand.

Separate appointments can be arranged, though there's real issue with who said/he said/she said on such occasions. The only way round this is for the child to be present at both. At my last school we would not conduct an interview without the child present.

In my experience it's has never been the step/parents who have disputed events, but always the child, i.e. what they've been up to.

But obviously you're a disinterested stepmum. If anything I'd say your the fathers partner, not astep mum. I think it's great that this stepmum is so involved, as all goods step mums should be. The clue is in the name! It does sound frustrating and rude if you are being ignored at parent interviews so in this situation I'd be asserting myself and making sure my questions were answered. I would think this is just an oversight and not intentional.

Urgh that’s infuriating. I don’t think you can do loads without causing upset, and a civil co-parenting relationship is worth so much. If there’s a teacher at school you think is understanding you could have a quiet word about parents evening in particular. Overall it sounds like a “suck it up and pick your battles and moan on mumsnet for some emotional relief” kind of situation to me but oh my god you are not being unreasonable to feel as you do.

What about for the school stuff asking ex if just he or step mum can go with you as “it seems they address the pair of you and maybe they aren’t used to talking to 3 parents at once”. That way you are making it about numbers and the school. Hopefully ex will go, but in a lot of families I bet step mum is the one who actually wants to be involved.

I know a lot of people are suggesting seperate parents appointments, given the percentage of children with seperated parents, do teachers especially secondary teachers have time for multiple appointments for the same children?

Say its a Maths teacher with 2 same year maths classes, so 66 kids who's parents all want 5mins, so 12 appointments an hour, parents night kicking off at 4pm thats 9.30pm without a break trying to fit in 5mins for each kid - how are they meant to fit in 2 appointments for even 6 of those kids?

You could ask for a separate parents evening. A lot of parents do.

i bet my bottom dollar that all this happened because SM didn’t want her hubby attending school events alone with his ex wife.

So she makes a big show about attending.

Silly cow.

It sounds like she's engaged which ultimately is a good thing. I'd ask your ex not to attend and just go with the step mum.

I think that’s totally inappropriate for her to attend parents evening. She needs to step back from this kind of thing. Great she is interested, but she is stepping on toes. How would your ex feel if you had a partner there constantly?

I can see that the stepmum wants to be involved in their education etc and as the parenting is 50/50 she needs to know how they're getting on and if there are any concerns. I'd suggest you make separate appointments for yourself.

Why inappropriate? She's as much involved in bringing up the children as their mother is.

Of course she isn't.