To just want to go to one event where the step mother isn’t there too

[Skibbidy]

I don’t dislike her. She’s been in their lives since they were very small (me and exDH divorced over 10 years ago). We share them 50/50 - she’s a good step mum and the kids like her a lot. All good

But - they both have a tendency to take over anytime we have to attend anything. My particular bugbear is parents evenings where the teachers will often to talk to ex and step mum and just ignore me. I’m not exactly a wallflower but it happens constantly.

When one of the D.C. was in hospital this year I had to keep reminding the doctors that actually I was “mum” and they could address their questions to me.

We went to the sixth form for DS and same thing, teachers just addressing those two, and not me.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I’d just like one parents evening which isn’t the ex DH and step mum show tbh

No they don't, they're told to treat their step children fairly and as they would their own child. There's a vast difference between that and overstepping. The only time that would be acceptable, is in leui of the child having a mother or father around, and even then that's with the consent of the main care giver parent.

Parenting shared 50/50. So she is.

Just book a separate appointment.
DH does this now because his ex just spends the whole time talking and the teachers can't get a word in

And I have always done it because my ex is abusive.

I'm a teacher. I've had step parents attend parents evenings but only when the other parent hasn't been on the scene.

One child had a lovely step mum who would come to parents evening on her own because she was the only adult in the child's life who was actually any good or bothered about the child.

I'm not sure why the teacher is directing discussions towards the dad and step mum and not you, OP, if you're all there. But I will say that parents' evenings are long, tiring and can be stressful so it might be unintentional.

But I would suggest going in beforehand and having a conversation with the teacher to explain how you feel. I wouldn't want to make a parent fel sidelined and would want to be made aware if they felt I was.

My husbands ex takes her husband to everything and my DH feels this way. I am a step parent and I do not have a place at parents evenings as the DC already have 2 parents. DH third wheels and feels uncomfortable. I think it’s control. DH’s ex is controlling and her DH is even more controlling, they want to be involved in every tiny detail not for the DC’s own good, just because they cannot bear to be left out for their ego

As a step mum, I used to go. DH is a nurse and was often on shift. Kids mum often didn’t go (not sure why, she’s a nice enough person, I think she just didn’t really see it as that important), I made sure there was at least one person at every parents evening, school play etc from the time I was in their life. So they knew someone had their back. Im the person they come to as adults because they know I’m consistent, interested and I care but won’t judge.
So I disagree. It can be exactly the right thing to do, for the kids, and that’s what’s important.

she is over stepping - possibility without realizing. Not everyone is emotionally intelligent.

does she have her own children? I wonder how she would feel to be sidelined with them.

you aren’t in a thruple or a same sex relationship with her, your children don’t have two mums. Therefore I’m not clear why she believes she has equal, or in this case superior, parenting rights than their actual mother.

would they listen if you had a chat about it? Explain you want to be recognized as the mother? Or could you ask her not to dominate parent meetings. Remind her you have been okay about her attending but she has to allow you, as the children’s mother, to talk to the teachers:doctors etc.

she sounds infuriating

This is such good advice.

I think I'd leave it TBH and sit on my hands when I'm getting sidelined at parents evening. Like PP have said, the teachers may find it easier to address the "couple", (which is not necessarily the correct way to go about things, but your set up is a bit unusual). At the end of the day, it's all about getting the best deal for your children.

A lot of step mums resent their step-children, especially when they are mumsnetters and it's deemed OK to resent every penny and moment you spend on "someone else's kids".

It would be more diplomatic for step mum to defer to you on these occasions, but you don't want her to step down on taking her responsibilities, or create resentment.

I'd save making a fuss and getting priority position for graduations/weddings/Christenings.

how is not getting your questions heard as the childs mum ‘getting the best deal’ for the child?? It sounds sub optimal to me.

That’s most odd - the parents AND step mother at parents’ evening.

As both actual parents are clearly engaged and involved, the SM should know when to take a step back.

If this were me I would at parents' evening be the first one to push my way forward to the teacher in question, put my hand out and shake theirs confidently saying ' Freda Bloggs, John & Jane's mother. Good to meet you' and then sit confidently down. Sit up very straight, lean forward and use very positive and authority like body language. Alternatively, you may need to do a few events on your own with your children when you have them 50 % of the time. Seems as if this is the normal going forwards.

I once knew a family where husband was the stooge, real mother was a shrinking violet and step mother a very practical spitz spotz type of woman. They would troop around as a threesome at events. I met step mum years down the line and she is now a full blown matriarch who claims to have X number of children and grandchildren when in reality she only has Y number of children and grandchildren. Can you change people? Or, can you change your attitude and response?

My experience of in person parents evenings is that it’s a logistical nightmare and it’s really hard to keep parents to their allotted appointment time.

Could you argue that there just isn’t enough time for you all to participate? Is it that she is asking/answering questions from teachers, or is your ex dominating the conversation?

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed as they’ve overstepped here significantly. The odd sports day and play? Great! Every parent teacher meeting? Over reach and performance parenting of the highest order.

That said, I’d consider how old the kids are and whether waiting it out is better. You mention 6th form so not young. The next flash point is uni open days and I’d recommend splitting them as travelling is a chore anyhow.

They’ve clearly too much time on their hands!

If your husband absolutely wants stepmum to attend and you feel this way, is it not an option to arrange a separate parents evening etc? That way you won't feel that she is stepping on your toes, and it avoids causing any bad feeling by saying you'd rather she didn't go.

Had a nightmare with my DCs stepmother and it has caused so much damage to all of the relationships, and my DCs mental health, it was awful

It’s huge that the kids like her and she is engaged, this is to be valued, celebrated and nurtured in my opinion. the good relationships between you all are so valuable for your kid’s wellbeing and all of the adults need to put this front and centre of all of the decisions they make

I totally understand that it must feel painful and deeply insulting for you to have professionals ignoring or sidelining you as their mother, that is utterly shit of them. I’m wondering if honestly you might be feeling hypersensitive- is it definitely happening this much?

I would not be trying to push her out, possibly I would try to build a closer relationship with her so you can share how you feel without blaming her, and if necessary I would be standing right next to the pair of them, so it’s not those two and then you. You will need to be vocal and speak up as others have said. But do it with a positive assertive attitude, possibly you could work with a therapist to help you with this.

I would also be trying to find a space to process your feelings about this which you have every right to have. But I would not be making practical decisions based on those feelings as this could cause damage

for what it’s worth, if I was the stepmum in that situation I would be falling over myself to make sure that professionals knew to talk to you, so understand your frustration with her but at the end of the day you have to be pragmatic

When my DD and DS were still at school I had them arrange separate appointments for me and for ex. My new DH came along with me and I don't think it odd a step-parent should attend, they are a legal parent - indeed, my DH did more parenting and useful upbringing than their father and never trashed them as I once saw their father do to my DS.

There's only a year to go of this stage of parenting as DC must be halfway through A-levels. Next year they will be an adult so the role of parental responsibility would shift beyond school life.

6th form teachers may have capacity for double appointments although that will depend on subject numbers. Lower down the school, teachers often don't have the capacity for one appointment for every pupil and can potentially teach over a hundred pupils in a year group if they have a high number of multiple classes.

It is unusual to have both parents plus step parents in attendance.
When step-parents attend, it's usually because the child is resident the majority of the time and one of the parents isn't attending.

Can I ask what you mean by your husband being a legal parent? Did he acquire parental responsibility?

Sit yourself in the middle!

This. My exhusband's wife was only 17 when their affair started so she was never an extra parent and I didn't have to deal with her at parents evening ( my exhusband rarely came either). I did have to have her at graduations and weddings and meeting grandchildren and she was briefly referred to as Granny X when they were still married. Your situation is ridiculous. She has no business there.

I’m a step mum. Dss is disabled and lives with us. He stays at his mums eow.
i attend all of his medical or school appointments with him because im his primary care giver. It’s me that’s fits in his care around my work, does all the admin and medical stuff. So it’s me that’s does most of the talking in his care reviews because it’s me who knows what’s what. I’m very aware that I’m not his mam, and I do try very hard to always refer to his mam. I try to get along with her and I’d be devastated if she felt I was ‘taking over’ . Which I have I suppose but not because I wanted to. . I know this is a different scenario but maybe the step mum is just doing what she thinks is expected of her. It would just be best to talk to her about it!

No they can't win but that is the what they enter into when they begin a relationship with someone who already has children. I personally think it should be a module in personal and social education ( or whatever it's called these days)at 6th form. Half an hour of reading threads on here about having/ being a step parent should make anyone run for the hills rather than taking it on.

I was going to say YWBU as my DH comes to parents evenings with me - but DD’s dad lives away so wouldn’t ever be going. If he was I don’t think DH would have started coming. I think maybe a quiet chat with exDH to ask if it can just be the two of you in future