To just want to go to one event where the step mother isn’t there too

[Skibbidy]

I don’t dislike her. She’s been in their lives since they were very small (me and exDH divorced over 10 years ago). We share them 50/50 - she’s a good step mum and the kids like her a lot. All good

But - they both have a tendency to take over anytime we have to attend anything. My particular bugbear is parents evenings where the teachers will often to talk to ex and step mum and just ignore me. I’m not exactly a wallflower but it happens constantly.

When one of the D.C. was in hospital this year I had to keep reminding the doctors that actually I was “mum” and they could address their questions to me.

We went to the sixth form for DS and same thing, teachers just addressing those two, and not me.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I’d just like one parents evening which isn’t the ex DH and step mum show tbh

I'm a step mum and have always gone to parents evenings, purely because SD has behavioural issues and DH is useless at telling me what's been said and what they're doing at school etc. Her mum doesn't usually go but if she does she has a separate meeting.

That hasn’t worked for me when the controlling ex has been trying to erase me. I’d find that the slots have been booked but not for my company.

I would just ask for separate appointments, as an ex teacher I would be happy to do this.

I wouldn’t go to a parent’s evening, but school events yes definitely. My DD’s step dad didn’t even come to the parent’s evening when my xH was out of the picture but school events he came to.

Maybe say to both of them before you head in to parent’s evenings…’I’m going to lead on this one ok? Often they just refer to you two and I’m left looking like a bloody spare part. The teachers probably think we are one of those odd thruples, where there are three people in a relationship.’

And leave that hanging.

It’s a bit passive aggressive but hey-ho. If you have to say something to your ex just be lighthearted and say ‘Look I love Jane, I know she loves the children, but fucking hell, three of us at parents evening is a bit overkill isn’t?? I get it, she wants to be involved, but you don’t see other parents in groups of threes, despite split families.

My FIL does this, it's very annoying. Do the teachers know who is the mum and who is the step mum? Just wondering as I sometimes take DS1 to stuff (not parents evening though!) when I need help with crowd control of the younger ones and Dh can't make it. We've had a few well meaning people who don't know us come up and say "so are you Dad?" I would of thought that at age 19 he wouldn't be mistaken for the parent of an 11 and 12 year old but there you go.

Did you actually read the Op???? She IS the bio mum 🤣

It sounds like you definitely need to be more assertive when being introduced, if you do not grab somebody's attention immediately then you are on the back foot and getting frustrated. I assume it is not in your nature to be pushy and forward so it may be worth practising your intros, try and put yourself forward before the overstep mum does.

Sympathies OP, exHs new girlfriend insists on being part of everything too because she’s insecure and insists that she’s part of this family too. I think the best way to deal with it is to do as PP suggested, go armed with questions and lead. It’s nice she’s interested but not a chance would I be sidelined for her. Sometimes you can’t have a sensible conversation about it with the ex and new partner as you get accused of being controlling.

Leaving the fact that she's even there aside...

I have a tendency in situations like this to talk to the person who I feel will feel awkward. I'm not a teacher, but if I were I bet I would do this too! It's trying to be nice and inclusive but in all honesty, it's saying "you're not really the parent".

It's also just difficult if they're sitting together and you're seperate. Maybe physically sit next to them and explain that you're doing it as you're being ignored. And be more outspoken at parents night (if you have to go together). "Sorry, this is my child, please speak to me." Hopefully she'll stop bothering when it gets too awkward

I would simply tell a doctor that she has no legal right to be there though!

I'm so sorry. I misread it. Just realised.

Fascinating how these threads end up just being used as therapy for stepmums who are angry about how they are perceived on..... Mumsnet

I don't see it as overstepping, if you haven't put firm boundaries in place.
If tpu weren't happy with this occuring, you should have spoken up long ago.

That’s so weird she definitely shouldn’t be attending parents evenings and hosptial stuff. Sorry but you should have nipped this in the bud ages ago. Still time to nicely assert yourself though.

As your DS is sixth form, this will stop soon. There won't be much more parent/teacher stuff and you can just do something privately with your DS.

Then tell your ex and the step mother…….communication is your only way forward. They cannot know how you feel unless you tell them. And in addition, whenever, she is addressed as you described, say very firmly and assertively that you are the child’s mother. Stop being a doormat.

My thoughts exactly

There is a boundary obviously though and she sway over it

Just set up a separate appointment for parents evenings?
I never go to the same one as ex H as he is abusive towards me. I actually have no idea if he goes to one or not but I am not going at the same time as him

I presume you have not remarried? How would your exh feel if you brought a new partner to parents evening or hospital appointments (or your parents because they're interested and you dont want to have to fill them in later)? Obviously she has been involved in your DC's lives for many years and it feels difficult to make a stand now but you have to, or live with the resentment. Perhaps you can try to get to teachers/doctors first and introduce yourself, DC's dad and stepmum. I think making separate appointments would be unfair to teachers.

No that's silly and confrontational and also dad can consent to sharing info with her

I agree with you I would find it odd and I wouldn't dream of bringing a partner along to those things

No words of wisdom, but I would feel exactly the same, OP.

You need to be more assertive and tell ex that only one of them come to parents evening because the pair of them are taking up all the teachers' time.

If both of them still come, interrupt them and ask your questions.

I’m not even a stepmum. But I can understand why it would probably be annoying to be told you’re not their mum so why attend parents evening but then a couple of days later you should be dropping all of your plans to pick the kids up.