To just want to go to one event where the step mother isn’t there too

[Skibbidy]

I don’t dislike her. She’s been in their lives since they were very small (me and exDH divorced over 10 years ago). We share them 50/50 - she’s a good step mum and the kids like her a lot. All good

But - they both have a tendency to take over anytime we have to attend anything. My particular bugbear is parents evenings where the teachers will often to talk to ex and step mum and just ignore me. I’m not exactly a wallflower but it happens constantly.

When one of the D.C. was in hospital this year I had to keep reminding the doctors that actually I was “mum” and they could address their questions to me.

We went to the sixth form for DS and same thing, teachers just addressing those two, and not me.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I’d just like one parents evening which isn’t the ex DH and step mum show tbh

Why/ how on earth have you found yourself in this situation. As an outsider it seems you have made huge sacrifices, mental, physical and financial, for a child who has 2 actual biological parents .

I used to teach 200 students. I knew the parents of my GCSE and A level students.

But should I really have been able to remember which was mother and which was stepmother for Y7s and Y8s?

If she introduces herself as mum at the start of the meeting then yes.

If DC are in stepmother’s house for half the time and step mother is expected to act as a parent then I can see why she wants to be an active and engaged figure. As a stepmother who is being asked to have the child live with us more or less full time, but expected to take a back seat on the actual parenting, I have refused. You cannot have children living in your home for whom you are not allowed parental responsibility. I know from experience it does not work. Unfortunately OP this is one of those things that you caused when you decided to end the relationship with your kid’s dad. I think you are lucky he has married someone who wants to be involved in your kid’s life and who they like.

I think she’s overstepping. Im a stepmum. I did a fair whack of the upbringing, he was 7 when we met. I never went to a parent’s evening. Lots of concerts, prize givings etc, but never parent’s evening. We’re all going to his graduation soon (us, his mum and her boyfriend).

It is not compulsory to date/ live with/ marry anyone who has existing children. When my marriage ended I dated a man with children. It opened my eyes to how awful it would be long term. After that I decided that I would only date men with no children. Lots of men were not interested because I already had 2 children. They didn't want to be a step parent either. No judgement from me , obviously. Being a step mother is generally going to be awful. There is no man alive who is worth taking it on for.

I disagree.
The step mum has the kids living with her half the time, she is another parent - just not biologically.
If she's at every event then she clearly loves them. Be glad she cares so much.
The fact teachers are not talking to you is odd, but not her fault.

No, she isn't.

Many children are lucky to have lots of caring adults in their lives - grandparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, step parents - and sometimes different groupings live in the same house and sometimes children call more than one house home.

However, parents have specific rights and responsibilities.

I'm guessing there's a much vaguer boundary when it comes to financial matters involving the DSC though. Or helping/caring/supporting them. Those 'boundaries' are a lot more easy to let go aren't they?

OP says they have 50:50. Is it possible the stepmum is going to parents evening because she has investment in the life of a child who lives with her 50% of the time?

I'm not a huge fan of my exH wife - and I'd be pissed in OP's situation too - but even I can see that there a lot of discord between mums and stepmums is ego and insecurity.

Being a step-parent is a relationship with the DC, which holds as long as the marriage holds - some step-parents are the only father/mother some DC ever know. Such a person does not have parental rights but ought to behave as if a parent, e.g. parent the DC, take care of them, be interested in them and support their biological parent i.e. in some ways act as if an adoptive parent (and some step-parents adopt their step-children, of course). Turning up to parents' evening (a chore) suggests commitment to the spouse's DC. Or is the opinion on MN that a step-parent should ignore the DC in the household, not help correct them if they are behaving badly (and thus help screw the relationship with both DC and their biological parent), not help with homework or career choices or emotional problems?
Step-parents, of course, used to be very, very common in the past and a child could end up with both parents being their step-parents i.e. both biological father and mother were dead and the second wife/husband might remarry - what was considered kinship in e.g. Britain up to and beyond the Renaissance included step-children as children of the family, and relationships by marriage (e.g. BiL/SiL, cousin-in-law, stepfather-in-law etc) as binding relationships by blood relationships - i.e. they were all family by blood or marriage and deserving of help, support etc by all members of the family, however related.

I agree with this. That the step-mum goes to parents' evening shows commitment. Separate appointments are in order, perhaps?

She can show commitment, even attend the Parents’ Evening, but take more of a back seat in the actual discussions, though, @Grammarnut. She isn’t the biological mum, and shouldn’t be taking her place when she is right there.

That's really sad that you couldn't make it work. That's not been my experience.

Equally, this is what parents enter into when they split from their children's other parent.

Life is what it is - unfair and frustrating included. Stop complaining about life happening to you and just get on with it.

I would never attend a school event or parents evening for DSD unless asked to do, her schooling is for her parents to manage. In these circumstances I would start every meeting or conversation with introductions, so it’s clear who’s who.

because his mother can’t cope with him so he lives with his father, my dh.
it has just evolved. My dh didn’t work initially but this way it works better for us all. I still work full time too, but I have flexibility ( I’m self employed)
it’s not easy, but it’s what we have to do.
it’s not my dss’s fault.

No, of course not. Which is why I suggested (and arranged for myself - didn't want to sit with ex anyway, nasty divorce) separate appointments. My DH actually never commented, just listened and we talked it over later. He was just there as support for me.

All the 'step mothers can't win' posters are overlooking the fact that the step mum in this case is dominating meetings with teachers and doctors, to the point that the child's actual mum can't get a word in.

The hospital example in particular, is just wrong. Step mum should absolutely let the child's mum have priority in conversations with medical staff. I'd be furious if I was sidelined in such a stressful situation with my own child.

But you stated the step parent is a legal parent? Surely they aren’t unless they are granted parental rights or adopt their step child?

s step parent doesn’t have the legal right - for example - to take medical decisions unless a court intervenes .

your husband is not legally a third parent to your children. Unless I have misunderstood some laws?

No, I should not have said 'legal'. However, there is one way in which a step-parent is related to a step-child. It is illegal for a step-father to marry his step-daughter or a step-mother to marry her stepson, although if the marriage is subsequent to the death of the biological parent an act of parliament can allow such a marriage. There was a case about 20 years ago where a step-father and step-daughter wished to marry - the step-daughter had been an adult when her mother re-married and her mother was dead. They were granted permission.

If the kids are with them half the time, I don’t think you reasonably object to her coming to parents evenings, as it may well be that the SM does more homework support than the father.

However, she should be stepped back in any situation like this, unless she has a very specific contribution to make,

Have you tried saying this to them both?

Also, at the beginning of any such meeting I would say to the teacher (in a jocular yet firm fashion) - sorry to got three of us, he and I are the parents and will be doing the talking, X is a v involved step mum and she’s joining us for info. And if she butts in, tell her to butt out - or don’t come.

Um well I’ve been a stepmother for 16 years and I am pretty chipper..

Likewise. The worst bit about being a step parent is all the people telling you how dreadful it is and advising people to avoid it.

Likewise for me too. And even if it was tough in the early days, they’re not actually children for that long. They fly the nest and arguments over parenting die off. I had moments at the start where I could have turned and walked away. But I’d didn’t because this man was definitely worth it. But my stepchild was pretty fabulous for most of the time, so that helped too.

I’d guess their eyes automatically go to the couple and the fact that they outnumber you, one of them will say something so the teacher will look to them to answer.