To just want to go to one event where the step mother isn’t there too

[Skibbidy]

I don’t dislike her. She’s been in their lives since they were very small (me and exDH divorced over 10 years ago). We share them 50/50 - she’s a good step mum and the kids like her a lot. All good

But - they both have a tendency to take over anytime we have to attend anything. My particular bugbear is parents evenings where the teachers will often to talk to ex and step mum and just ignore me. I’m not exactly a wallflower but it happens constantly.

When one of the D.C. was in hospital this year I had to keep reminding the doctors that actually I was “mum” and they could address their questions to me.

We went to the sixth form for DS and same thing, teachers just addressing those two, and not me.

I introduce myself as their mother so I’m not sure why this is happening ? Probably because the are a pair so easier to look at them and discuss

I’d just like one parents evening which isn’t the ex DH and step mum show tbh

Oh god - the jealousy line 🤦‍♀️

No, no I’m not jealous. I’d just like to not be sidelined at literal parents evening

To be honest OP, why on earth is their step mum allowing questions to be directed at her? SHE needs to be the one correcting the doctors/teachers, or gesturing to you when she is asked a question, it shouldn't even cross her mind to answer for you FFS.

I would find it very annoying as well, not her presence but her lack of correction, does she have a bit of main character syndrome?

I'd actually have a quiet word and tell her (if you are able to) that you find it quite frustrating when people assume she is mum and you feel it would be arsey to correct them so if someone directs a question at her can she please divert it to you, at least she would be aware and if she isn't on the ball, you can just answer the question as if it has been asked of you anyway.

Make a separate appointment for parent evenings or anything that requires a parent one to one.

Exactly they only want you to treat their children like your own when it suits them whether that’s for practical or emotional reasons. Usually it’s both. They always seem to be really hurt when you don’t agree to pick the dsc up from school or have them through your maternity leave. Etc..
But as soon as you are thought to be stepping on their toes they are like as you say, back off bitch.

I have been a step-Mum - my ex had two boys from his marriage who lived with him full-time. They saw their Mum EOW and some of the school holidays. I used to go to parents evening with my ex, and their Mum never attended a single one or school event. She was able to go, invited by the school/ex but didn't bother with any event. However, in this situation, when both parents are able to co-parent amicable and can actually be in the same room and be civil, it's not necessary for your children's step-Mum to go to parents evening. I understand her attending sports day etc as even grandparents/other extended family sometimes go. It doesn't appear to be your exes or the step-Mum's fault though that teachers etc are pushing you out. You need to perhaps start by introducing yourself 'hello Mr X, I'm Jane's Mum, this is her Dad and step-Mum'!! Then there's no question on who you are, and who the staff member should be addressing. I do think it's nice your children's step-Mum takes an interest in your children, not all do, and it means all step-Mum's get tared with the same brush.

This. My step mum used to insist on this. My teachers sat behind a desk with 3 seats in front. Own for mum,dad and child. So we would all sit and she would stand behind us. She tried to insist they do it separately but rightfully so the teachers said they would not be repeating information. I wish schools would say 2 parents maximum! . I know it made my step mum look an idiot!

Hmmm. Would it help to go to parents evening and similar things armed with a question? Even if everything is ticking along ok and your question is not actually super important, having a question ready will mean you get to ask it and have it answered to your face rather than just letting the conversation happen and then feeling sidelined or ignored.

And you're being sidelined right under their noses. Do neither your ex or his wife ever say 'actually, skibbidy is Mum, can you please talk to her?' If not, they're being insensitive at best, egotistical at worse. You're literally your dc's mum for heaven's sake. She's a good stepmum - fantastic. But she should not be taking your place, and your ex should not be enabling it.

Oh yes, the step-parent double-standard...

I go to my SD's parents' evenings. Her dad doesn't, and doesn't show any interest in most of her schooling or activities. She lives with us 12 nights of 14, and my wife is not from the UK so doesn't have the same knowledge of the UK school system, or where to research to find out more (hence I'm the one on mumsnet not her!...)

That may well be different than OPs case, but there are certainly some cases where it's appropriate/beneficial for the child for a step-parent to be involved in his/her education and go to parents' evenings.

If you are consistently going to parents' evenings, and are fully involved in her schooling and homework help etc., then agreed it's a bit odd, but the question to me would be does your child benefit or not? If she's going to be helping with homework etc. then it probably benefits your child vs. excluding her.

Also the guidance for schools as to who they treat as a parent is different than the PR definition. Basically, any adult who they live with is considered a parent by the school, so yes step-parents are included.

I get it. Is hard.
I had a quiet word with teachers every time we moved up a year in primary. We ended up with different appointment times or teacher very pointedly ignored her. I had to go to medical appointments looking "very glam" (head teacher one pick up) other wise mr suit and tie for work was spoken too and I was ignored even though child was in my care 80% of the time. Fortunately she never dared come to any of those as I would have lost me shit.

My friend had to do the same but she did have the fun of medical people slapping down the stepmum as it basically was her just deciding it was her turn to speak and not being at all relevant for the brief times she saw child

Do you get on with your ex? If so I would approach him, nothing you have said is unreasonable. No way would I be sidelined at my own childs event. One of many reasons a blended family will never be for me (I appreciate you dont get a lot of say in this once separated)

Does your ex want her at medical and school appointments so she can keep up with the wife work? (Help with homework, give medicine at correct time, &c. &c.).

I don't think step-parents generally attend parents' evenings because they care about the children, though. It would be lovely if they did, but I think it's usually because they feel uncomfortable about their partner spending time with their ex as a unit. I've seen threads on here where step-parents don't want their partner to sit next to their ex at the top table of their own child's wedding, for example.

Exactly. It's really not fair to expect teachers to navigate this sort of parental drama.

I also came on to say this and to agree that @elfendom put it very well.

the SM is overstepping. Massively. Especially in a medical setting.

plus who wants to voluntarily go to any extra parents evenings that you don’t have to? I mean they aren’t exactly fun, stress free nights out are they? She sounds, erm, intense.

@Skibbidy six form, does that mean last year of school?
Is it really worth fighting about now?

Is the kid doing ok?
Getting on well in school?

I get it's probably annoying but very soon it will be uni were your kept at arms length.

This. We are damned if we do and damned if we don’t ;(

I don’t understand why the OP is being held responsible for other step-parent threads which are nothing to do with her? Did she complain about the stepmother not treating her child like her own? No she did not. So why not answer the actual question in the actual thread?

But yeah OP just be wrong because some other unrelated person on an unrelated thread was unreasonable 🤦‍♀️

@Skibbidy can you not do separate parents evenings? I personally could not sit in the same room as my ex and make small talk not even for the sake of my kids!

Wow, reading that had my hackles up.

My kids don't have a stepmum, but I would be really pissed off if they had one and that was happening.

Also from the point of view of the children ... I never had step parents, but my mum and dad each had a boyfriend and girlfriend, and us kids would've been really pissed off if they'd started acting like they were our actual parents. It sounds like it's not really anything she's doing, but just that her character makes people act that way towards her..?? In any case, I do find it weird and inappropriate that she's going to parents' evenings etc.

What do your children think of it? Do they even want her there?

It’s just a general discussion. The general consensus on here is that stepmums shouldn’t go to parents evenings and I agree with that. But I also agree that for the same reason stepmums don’t go to parents evenings (ie not the parent) they shouldn’t have to do the parenting for the parents when it comes to other stuff.

Are you a step parent?

Jeez give the OP a break. She's not saying the step mom is a monster - just saying she is overstepping, which by the sounds of it is true.

OP tell your ex it needs to stop now. He can tell her and if she attends another parents evening or is in the room when you speak to drs say you will say something at the start. And do it- yes it may be awkward but at least they know you mean it.

The kids school has solved this one for parents. Only 2 people allowed at parents evening and for any events only 2 tickets per family. Doesn’t matter who goes but if mum and dad are going there’s no tickets left for step parents

Yeah she was berated by the children's mum not so much the poster on here - if my recollection is correct.

Yes, step parents have a tough job and are often criticised. But in this instance it's justified, the step mum is way overstepping.