Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

Just don’t go. I would spend a £1000 on a hen do and then she’ll put more for a home one. Just tell her no.

NOoooo you are mot being unreasonable. They have lost all sight of what's reasonable, pleasant, sociable and celebratory. They are in the thrall of smoke, mirrors and bullshit.
What you should do about it I don't know. Break your own leg comes to mind but that's a bit extreme. God it's insufferable this stuff.

I wouldn't go but it looks like you already burned through 2k for this circus so a bit late in the day to come to your senses.

Well, there's your issue, really. If she were a family member, or a close, longterm friend, you'd be able to say 'Look, Mags, cop on. I haven't got £1000 to spend on an overseas hen, and no one wants to dress up as Goth Funeral in July for the Other Hen because you think it will look cool on your Instagram'. But she's not family or a friend. Brides usually ask close friends or sisters to be bridesmaids. Is there some particular reason she's asked you?

I don't quite get what you mean, sorry.

It feels petty to just not go to the Home Hen having already been on the Abroad Hen. There are consequences to consider if I pull out.

Just don’t go, and when asked why just tell them you don’t enjoy being used as a prop.

Seriously, put an end to it now because you’ll have to endure baby showers, gender reveals and all
that other bullshit in the future.

I would go along with it but give her a wide berth going forward. She sounds insufferable and not someone I would want to spend time with.

Always put yourself first. It’s awful to go along with things while simultaneously clinching your teeth. You don’t have to be unkind just selective about what you will involve yourself in.

Thanks for the refreshing response!

Insufferable is absolutely the word 😔

As to what to do... It's far more nuanced than just not going, and it's not as though I can't afford another £100.

I could do without a broken leg, to be honest!

“I’m generally a very outspoken person”

Although I agree with some of your post and it would also be idea of a bad time, whenever anyone declares themselves as ‘outspoken’ I assume they actually mean rude, over opinionated and a pain to be around.

Urgh I loathe this sort of bridezilla narcissism.

If it was anyone outside immediate family I would honestly fuck the whole thing off it sounds insufferable. Maybe just tell her you can't afford it?

If you genuinely 'love her to pieces' then just suck it up and go, and keep your opinions for your husband or your mum! I'm not being critical, I hate that stuff too, but if you love her then it's worth making it nice for her, and nice for her is clearly this kind of shiz. Just smile and nod, you've already spent the big money so the home hen is really not that much in comparison.

It doesn't feel like coming to my senses - it's been a drag from the beginning in many ways. We're a really close family so not going all in isn't really an option. I just feel as though this, in the grand scheme of life, tiny request has tipped me over the edge!!!

Do her a favor and don't go.

I'm quite sure if she stumbles accross this thread, she'd uninvite you. (I would).

Different strokes and all that.

She's about to be my sister-in-law and we're an extremely close family.

I wouldn't have done this for anyone else!

You lost me at £1,000. I would not spend that for even my own sibling let alone anyone else. The only person I would contemplate that kind of money for would be my own child.

You have poor boundaries. It's absolutely not not normal to be asked to spend that sort of money on a hen/stag do in that sort of circumstances and not being able to say no.

There are consequences to consider if I pull out.

What on earth do you mean by this?!

Anyway, it's too late to rectify your mistake. You should have skipped the £1000 abroad hen and just gone to the £100 local one.

not going all in isn't really an option

You see, this is where I'd come unstuck. There is no way on this earth I'd be taking part in this circus, even more so if I felt it was due to some kind of unspoken rule and consequences if I didn't comply.

We're a close family too, and because we're close we can be honest with each other and don't have to do shit like this when we don't want to, and resentment doesn't arise.

I'd be drawing a line now, making my excuses and seeing them on the day, wearing what I want.

It's her hen, who cares if the theme is black? Don't bitch about it with the people organising it; go or decline.

The abroad one was the one to opt out of, not the UK one.

You spent the money freely at the time, you're just disappointed it wasn't the holiday you expected. Its a costly lesson.

You come across like you think you're better than everyone for being outspoken and not doing social media. The reality is, they are all happy and having fun and it's fine it's not your scene but either throw yourself in and smile or don't go. Stop "raising various reservations".

I think you need to hear the hard truth to put things into perspective.

It isn’t petty to not attend the UK hen if you’ve already paid out a grand and made effort to go abroad.

It is really silly to pay a thousand pound to go abroad for someone’s hen do because you feel “obliged to” rather than because you want too and have the extra cash to

The main unreasonable person here is you for not putting in boundaries and saying “no”. Yes asking someone to pay a grand for a hen is also mental but it’s the people that don’t want to rock the boat and say “too expensive, I’ll be at the local hen do though” who are silly.

It sounds absolutely hideous.

Some brides just seem to lose their minds don’t they?

Im not surprised you feel hacked off but it’s too late now, just try and put it behind you and look Forward to the wedding.

I thought hen dos were for your besties so maybe six or so people?
Weddings are getting out of control. Engagement party, bridal shower (is there a greedier event)? Hen do, destination weddings…
The maids in this case were foolish to plan such an expensive hen do - I certainly couldn’t afford that. Then a home one? The question is: why?
Quite possibly this is not the only wedding you will be attending this year - does anyone think of that?
As for the SM stuff - ugh. A friend, who got married before mobile phones were a thing and SM was your mum gossiping at the hairdressers, always regretted her wedding photographer who made them pose for a ‘fake’ cutting of the cake to get just the right shot and took so many posed couple and family pics even she was bored of it. She wanted to experience her day as it was happening.
Dont think you can do much now, but I’d have said something to my brother about the cost of the hen and stag dos.

I have a theory that it comes from feeling really treasured when the person they love chooses them, they feel like the only woman in the entire world, centre of their man's universe, feeling really special etc etc and it just sort of escalates...

Yes, but from what you say, you're not actually particularly close to her. I mean, she doesn't magically become someone else just because your brother is marrying her. I mean, you describe her as 'lovely' but then everything you say about her makes her sound like a vacuous idiot. Which is it?

I mean, I'm also close to my brother, but I recognise that, while the relationship works for him, his wife is not at all my type of person.