Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

Sorry that should have said I wouldn’t go not I would.

You’ve already spent loads. You don’t have to spend more on yet another hen do.

I’m so glad all of my friend group got married before Instagram and before the trend for £1k plus hen dos abroad.

It sounds grim but think you have to go with good grace or not go at all. Going and complaining, or sitting there with a cat’s bum face, serves no purpose other than to piss people off or bring the whole thing down.

But she will be family - she’s going to be OP’s DSiL

I was thinking on the future baby shower, gender reveal etc only yesterday 😔

The thing is, when she's not got something to focus on an obsess over, she's a really lovely, kind person.

Rather than expending time and energy on this 'hen', I'd be saving your time and energy for supporting your DB when the inevitable divorce arises. Unless, that is, he's as vacuous as she is.

Suck it up. Get a black summer dress. Enjoy the do. Skip the wedding presents though... you spent enough.

This seems wise.

I was thinking on the future gender reveal, baby shower etc and that I shall possibly just excuse myself from those things because I find them incredibly crass.

It's just a shame because she is otherwise absolutely lovely and kind and thoughtful. It makes me feel like I can't celebrate with her, naturally.

People who pretend like they can't understand why OP cannot opt out of her future SIL's hen (it being a close family) are just being purposely obtuse 🙄

OP I feel your pain, but I don't think anything can be done about it. Maybe speak to the bride about the black dress code?

I am probably a pain to be around! Rude, I genuinely don't think so but perhaps to some people I come across that way. Direct, definitely. And literal.

Most of the people going on the abroad Hen Do were either teachers, on mat leave or retired. My Mum and I are none of those things and so we had to take annual leave (which, in my Mum's case, she'd had to buy additional days). Initially, the message had been - something affordable for everyone because the most important thing was to have everyone there.

When I raised the issue of travelling on certain days meaning taking a good chunk of annual leave, the message changed to "if you can't make it, that's a shame, but you just have to accept you can't come".

I was direct about it and didn't just keep quiet. That's what I meant by outspoken.

Honestly, I'd never have entertained the idea for anyone else in the world! We are just extremely close to my brother and his fiancée and, genuinely, we want to support them in their marriage and celebrations.

It just feels like it's gone/going past that.

That all sounds horrific!
So glad I got married pre-social meida, but none of my friends are particularly in to it so I'm sure we wouldn't have had any of this malarkey even if it was around 20+ years ago.
I think I had about 15 friends to my hen and that was enough. I had it in London (as we live there), DH went to the coast (they were on the same weekend). No-one I know had a 'do' abroad.

Oh dear, what a shame you're poorly..

You're absolutely on it. And that's why I've done everything to date.

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable for this tiny (in the grand scheme of everything else) request tipping me over the edge 🤣

If it's a day like this, we're all going to be baking, dressed in black!

This!

Is my perspective really that bad?

Look I totally get it. It’s so cringeworthy and forced BUT for the sake of keeping the peace I’d just pay the £100, whack on a summery black dress, chat to one of the 50 other women and just get on with it.

You’ve done the expensive trip, seems silly to moan about the UK one. 50 people on a hen do is a lot! Just go, get pissed and roll your eyes when you get home to your DH. But yeah, I agree with everything you have said. It’s so bloody self indulgent. I would be mortified if my friends had to fork out so much.

It's a crazy amount of money, isn't it 😔

We're not poor but we're not rolling in it, either. £1k is a lot to us.

One of my best friends got married last year. She had asked me to be a bridesmaid and I declined because I didn't want to go along with all the fuss that entails. Having dresses picked out, walking down the aisle etc.

I knew I would have been seen as difficult as I don't go along with the crowd if I am not comfortable doing something. E.g. the other girls were happy to have their hair and makeup done, I wouldn't have liked that.

I was still fully involved, I helped her pick out her wedding dress, arranged the hen do and transport to it, sorted out the food shopping delivery to the hen house etc. She mentioned me in her wedding speech as a 'bridesmaid in all but name' so that was touching and unexpected.

More people should be comfortable with saying NO. I appreciate it is more difficult in your situation with it being a SIL.

I would feel the same. Completely obliged but also thoroughly fucked off.
i would go just because the stress in my own head of not going would worry me more.
Have a rant to you mum and on here which should help.
i would however say you can’t afford the home hen do.
so you’ve shown up but you’re not having to spend more money on an extra do x

I think it would upset my brother and future sister-in-law, and I don't want to do that.

At the time of agreeing to the Abroad Hen, there was no plan for a Home Hen otherwise I may well have done exactly that 😔

Were we not taught to say "cheeeeese" during a photo? Remind yourself of the reason why this was done, then tell me her idea to create fake laughter is wrong 🤔

When I raised the issue of travelling on certain days meaning taking a good chunk of annual leave, the message changed to "if you can't make it, that's a shame, but you just have to accept you can't come".

Well, that message would have been my 'in' to say, 'sorry-we don't have £2000 spare for this. We love you both loads as you know you, and will be 100% up for the UK hen/stags though-can't wait for it!'

Job done, £2000 still in your bank account, no falling outs.

It’s awful, but I think for the sake of future relationships you'll need to button your lip and go along with it. Alternatively, have a very unfortunate unexpected illness (as long as you’ll never be found out).

She'll grow up at some point.

For the sake of my brother and general family harmony I would go, I would wear black and I would stick on a smile/fake laugh.

It will be the baby shower next…

Well yes. I think so. If you're going, you're going for her, so just internally roll your eyes and get behind her (metaphorically or I guess literally for shade!). It just really doesn't matter does it, not that much, not enough to cause an upset, a bad feeling, a shade on her happiness and on your future relationship.