Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

You are not being unreasonable.
Grin and bear it and do it for her sake, but no YANBU to find it ridiculous.

Thanks for making me smirk, especially in between the battering I'm getting from many sides, on here!

Christ - being vocal on a public forum, with strangers, really highlights the dangers of honesty 🤣

So when it became apparent, you say no I’m not spending money on that. You give your mum the choice to go or not. You had options.

Just say you can’t go because of a prior commitment or pull out at the last minute with a tummy bug or something.

But in the kindest way if your mum wants to spend a thousand on a hen do, you’re not cruel to say that you can’t

Knowing all this going forward, now you know better you can use your boundaries to say no to the hen do in the uk that you didn’t know was going to happen.

I would just go. You’ve already spent/wasted the money of the more expensive party, you can afford the cheaper one too, you like her and don’t want to upset her by bailing, everyone wearing black doesn’t seem that big a deal - most people can borrow a black outfit from a friend if they don’t already have one, the photos and insta focus sound tedious but she’s a nice woman and you like her a lot. She’s excited to be getting married and that’s a nice thing. If you do have to go to gender reveals and baby showers then it’s only 2-6 afternoons out of your life over a period of about 6 years realistically. I’m anti social, don’t use instagram, don’t like photos much (but I’m contrary and wish I had more photos of myself) but I would indulge it for a family member I liked and wanted a positive relationship with. I wouldn’t necessarily indulge the £1000 but that ship has sailed and handwringing over it isn’t buttering any parsnips at this stage.

Thanks. That sounds sensible to me.

She's otherwise absolutely wonderful but it has concerned me somewhat the total obsession 😬 Hopefully, she reverts to the kind-hearted soul I know, after all of this!!!

But then surely, you can skip the Home Hen? Or have opted to go on the home one, rather than the overseas one, once you knew it was happening? The whole point of home hens as 'extras' is that they're to cater for those who can't travel for whatever reason. Going to both defeats the point.

You weren't committed when you'd agreed to the dates, if you didn't know what else the trip entailed. You can say no thankyou and it not be the end of the world. You're also not responsible for your mum, and whether she chooses to go or not. You're not going to get Into Trouble, you're an adult.

Stacey, the trip you've given the details on isn't going to work for me, but I know you'll have an amazing time and I look forward to getting together when you get back.

Nobody is in trouble.

You know who's likely to rock the boat and lose relationships? People that have gone along with things they're not comfortable with for too long, and kept their mouths shut for too long until the lid comes off.

You’re not unreasonable OP, people seem to be in some sort of bizarre trance when it comes to social media
one day, after the downfall of human civilisation, we will look back and think well at least that bullshit has stopped

I guess it's different for everyone. We're really close to my bro and his fiancée so we genuinely wanted to support them and be involved. We didn't have to attend the Stag and Hen Do but we'd have been the only ones in our family circle / the bridal party not going. We can afford it (insofar as we've not had to put the cost on credit cards or take out any plans or anything like that) but we only have one holiday per year and we spend up to £3k on that so it puts into perspective where this lies for us as a cost.

The Home Hen came in after some people couldn't make the Abroad Hen. I get it but I expected this one to be more relaxed on the basis the Abroad Hen was the main do.

Thankfully, it is the only wedding we're attending this year but you're absolutely right about the consideration. If it wasn't for these guys, then there's no way we'd have even entertained going. I always knew it would be a bit left field for me but I was content to help organise and put loads of effort into the part I was asked to sort out. I did throw myself into it, with a smile on face, it's just this last request made me eye-roll so hard I thought I was going to fall over.

Totally get what you mean about the staged wedding photos. My husband and I got taken into a field on the hottest day of the year for some shots. At the time of agreeing, it sounded ok(ish) and we trusted our photographer, thinking it might be nice to get away from the crowd for a bit and do something on our own. In reality, I was not a fan!!!

I get it OP, am completely with you. As to what to do….probs go along with it now for the sake of keeping the peace, as really the one to skip would be the £1000 abroad hen and just do the at home hen instead, but that ship has sailed. I can understand why as it’s sort of death by a thousand cuts and this is the thing which has finally tipped you over the edge. Also get it’s a bit of a tricky relationship in that if she were friend you’d be closer to the other friends in the group and maybe more of a similar mindset / someone would be able to say to her this is too much, and if she were your own sister then you/your mum could probably say the same, but as future SIL even though v close it’s probably not your place.

but you have my sympathies and agree it’s totally OTT, narcissistic and you wouldn’t catch me spending that much on a hen even for my best friend (albeit she is sensible and would never in a million years want that either).

OK, you know that you're going to the home hen do. You know you're going to suck it up, wear black, and you're going to do it for family harmony.

It's all very irritating, and I hear you about the costs, but it is too late now. You're going to do it, you're going to make them happy, but what you absolutely cannot do is talk to the other bridesmaids about being unhappy. Or to any of the guests. It will sour things. This kind of person just doesn't get it.

And once it's done, never mention it again, but be aware that there are other Instagrammable occasions like baby showers, anniversary celebrations, family holidays: start on your excuses NOW 😂

It's too late now, just grit your teeth and bear it for the sake of future family harmony. This will never happen again. Just take a step back when it comes to gender reveals etc in the future.

Why? She's already given you a get out clause.

You've been to the expensive one ( which she clearly said you didn't have to) and perhaps that is fuelling your resentment but that's done and dusted now. You can't change that.

But if you think these events are, in your words "insufferable" and a "Circus" then don't go. Describing her parties like that is, I think, very unkind to the bride. OK it's not your cup of tea. But it's her day.

A polite excuse is all that is necessary. It will very obvious to all that you are suffering your way through it, even if you think its not. It's far better not to go and be a downer.

"when she's not got something to focus on an obsess over, she's a really lovely, kind person."

Sorry I think you are really being a bit unfair here.

You can't expect her not to get excited and "obsessed" over her own wedding. She'll be married soon. Then will go back to being lovely. And yes. Most brides will want lots of pictures. That's a big feature of modern weddings.

The other complaint - People often have a theme for parties but its voluntary. And wearing something black is much easier than some parties I've been asked to, pirates, 1920's royalty (for street parties), She probably thinks most people have an LBD, and you said that she suggested this as most people at the hen abroad were wearing black. So this seems to be quite a reasonable theme suggestion to me. People do themes to make the event more than just an average party.

Lots of people wear black in summer. I don't think it makes much difference. Its the UK - no guarantee of a heatwave like the current one, even in July. Plenty of nice black reasonably summer frocks in the shops at the moment which could be worn into Autumn with different accessories and a cover up.
Its not that big a deal. As a pp said if you wore a colourful dress you wouldn't be in many of the pictures.
Or You could sell it afterwards

You are not a picture person fair enough, but it's her wedding. If you genuinely want to be supportive, stop complaining about the fact that she wants to photograph her life events and let her get on with it. I think you are letting your resentment over the cost of the abroad hen ( which I agree was expensive) get to you. But nothing you can change about that now.

That's a lovely view ☺️

To be honest, we have really enjoyed riding the wave of excitement with them both from the start.

It's why I'm so... I dunno... Ahhhhh that this final request has bothered me so much 🤣😭

YABU

Just say no.

If anyone objects, ask them whether they are willing to cough up the money for you in order to keep the peace and stress that it was unreasonable request to demand that both family members AND inlaws spend such a large amount of money on the hen/stag do and you are ALREADY spending enough money on the actual wedding itself.

The more people who spend their lives just going along with this shit rather than being direct and saying no, the more it becomes acceptable to be an entitled self centred brat.

If people don't like you saying no, then frankly, they aren't worth your time.

Your money should be yours to spend freely and not under duress or emotional blackmail.

I genuinely don’t understand what the problem is? It’s fairly standard for people to want to get nice photos to look back on and the black dress scenario is about the most common hen do theme going. It looks lovely with everyone in black and the bride in white, is inclusive as fuck because there isn’t a single person who doesn’t own at least one black outfit and it’s just a bit of harmless fun.

you sound like you think you’re better than them for not having social media, but honestly, you’re coming across as a stuck up bitch. It’s not that deep and it’s her hen do, not yours. Either join in and make the most of it, or don’t bother. No one wants a miserable sod out with them while they’re having fun and celebrating.

You’ll have to join in & suck it up.
It’s a pain, but she’s family now…

Go or don’t go, but if you go, don’t make it about what you want.

The social media stuff would be more annoying than wearing a black outfit.

I had 2 friends that I had to speak to in SE Asia because every day was 50 photo shoots and it got so exhausting to be around.

I’d suck it up for the hen again and then leave at 11pm to escape it.

Weirdly the friends that were so social media obsessed are now the ones that don’t use social media at all! Which confirms really it was all for show and fake as they now post nothing.

I’ve noticed most people my age (35ish) either post constantly or don’t post at all! Lots more people are doing away with social media so I’d be curious of the brides age.

It really surprises me that the grooms are never mentioned in this.

I, as well as a few of my mates, kept an ear out to ensure our wives hen do's and the like were not putting those we love off spending our special day with us.

I've been to loads of weddings where negativity is brought to weddings from the hen do that could have so easily been avoided. I'm sure this happens on stag do's as well just not in my experience thus far

We've become close during their relationship. Outside of this, she is absolutely lovely, thoughtful, kind etc. We see her and my brother often and socialise with them a lot. It's a known that she is quite happy being the centre of attention but she doesn't chase it, if that makes sense? When there's an opportunity, she'll take it (as in this instance). I find it endearing at times but this final request 😐🔫

I get where you’re coming from. All the instagram photos would do my head in too. It’s just too superficial and actually really boring.

But I disagree with you that you have to attend the home hen just because they are close family. You’ve attended one hen, you don’t have to attend two. Your future SIL should surely understand this if she’s as lovely a person as you say she is. Just say something has come up and you can’t make it.

being asked to post for constant photos and videos and being told to fake smile and the entire night being about photos gets exhausting and really irritating! Because it’s then not about the evening or fun it’s about show. It sounds like they go way over the top with the constant photos.