Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

Given it’s a family member I think you have to just suck it up and go along with it! Though I’m with you on your feelings towards it all….i really hate the social media focus for everything and the requirement these days for a hen do abroad

On a tangent here, but the concept of a hen party seems so outdated to me. I kind f get it for back in the day say pre 70s or so when women once married had different expectations and many were expected to give up work and much less going out on the town with their GFs or sometimes at all without their DHs and generally fell pregnant immediately and so were expected to just be with the kids 24/7 and even expected to perhaps dress in a different way, but given that not much in this way changes to the same degree at all as previously, then what exactly is being celebrated? And don’t say last night of freedom as that’s never made sense to me lol because presumably they’ve not been free since the engagement! Btw, as a child of immigrant parents I may be missing some important cultural significance here so would love to be filled in!

BTW first marriage was a church jobbie - the full works, horse & carriage, fancy breakfast, evening do with a band. But no stag or hen do's - but that was best part of 40 years ago.

She's about to be my sister-in-law and we're an extremely close family

Well, obviously not that close if you can’t be honest with each other. No way I would have indulged all this.

How much of all this is coming from her or coming from the other Hens/Bridesmaids? You keep saying it's the final request, but if she's leading the tribe, then I'm afraid you may see yet more of this in the years to come, like others said, baby showers, kids' birthdays, anniversaries etc etc. Can you talk to her directly about the clothing request for the Home Hen? How would she react? Plus, out of curiosity, what sort of age are you all?

In that case I would just say - look it was great to be able to attend your abroad hen do, but I hadn't realised there was going to be another so I'm all spent out and feel that I came to the important part and you and your friends won't notice me not coming o the second hen do as with over 45 people its going to be epic.

As for baby showers - arrive late and take a present, same with gender reveal, arrive late and take a present. You can be there but don't have to do the entire function and photos etc

I once had an older friend that dropped a brick on her own foot to avoid a surprise party. It was being held in her honour.

It seemed unhinged at the time, but now I'm older I almost understand...

Societal expectations??

Oof, what a difficult situation! I totally get you don't want to upset her as you're a close family and she's normally lovely.

Same as a PP, I did wonder about her comment for her hen overseas - her saying "oh shame, but if you can't make those dates then we'll have to go without you" - that feels as if either they weren't expecting you and/or your mum to go, or they weren't particularly bothered if you didn't...... You possibly missed an opportunity to gracefully pull out there....

A wonderful, lovely close friend had their wedding last year - the photos lasted SIX HOURS. SIX BASTARD HOURS. And then the photographer was plaguing people on the dancer floor by popping up right on their shoulder. The photos were lovely but all I could think when I was looking at them was how much of their own wedding they missed.........

I think I would said to the bride "I don't have a summer dress in black and I honestly, with all of the other expenses, I can't really afford to buy a dress that I'm not going to wear again. Can we pick another colour? Or else I'm very happy to stay out of the photos? If you would prefer me not to be there, I totally understand, especially as I've already been to a hen for you so I wouldn't be offended..."

If she's as lovely as you say, you should be able to very tactfully give her some alternatives. If you already had a suitable dress I'd say just suck it up, but yet more expense on top of what you've already paid, for a black summer dress - who's going to want to wear one of those?!

Best of luck OP. I think tactful and gentle assertiveness is the way forward.

Dear Bridezilla,

Thank you for your kind invitation to your home hen. Due to -unforseen expenses this month/hospital appointment/binge watch of Corrie- (delete as appropriate)- I won't be able to attend all the planned events in the run up to the wedding and as I'm sure you will rather see us on the Big Day, I'm going to have to decline the Home Hen. Have a lovely time and I'll look forward to all the photos of you, Mad Tracey and your Nan pissed up on Prosecco.

Regards

As you've already been on the abroad hen do, I would think it is perfectly acceptable to decline the home leg.

But if you think it's going to cause an issue then better just to slap on a smile and go and it's really very easy to wear a black dress.

I can't stand all this insta nonsense, but if she's into it you will just have to accept that we are all different and hopefully she will grow out of it in time!

😀

A friend of mine threw a small surprise party for his wife's 40th birthday. (This was long before I knew them, otherwise I would have pointed out well in advance that she was a reserved person and would have hated a surprise.)

She came into the house engrossed in a very bitter disagreement with a family member on her mobile, glanced at her DH and the people standing inside, clearly didn't really register them because she was so caught up in the phone conversation, and just went straight up the stairs to her bedroom, leaving everyone standing uncomfortably around in the living room. He went up eventually, and she said 'Do I look as if I'm in the humour for a party?', so everyone just dispersed. I always wish I'd been there.

Well, I'm also a foreigner, but I agree with you.

I’ve been in a similar position to you OP.
I’ve learnt it the hard way, and I’ve decided to stop people-pleasing so much now and going along with other people’s plans because I feel obligated. I went to an abroad hen that ENDED UP
costing a grand. Thing is - it’s the same old formula isn’t it, you get added to a group chat, you get told how much it is going to cost, and you pay in installments yadda yadda yadda. Next thing you know, you’re out there, paying for all your own food, drink and extras posing for pictures with the bride and all her old school friends that you’ve never met.

I am so over all this nonsense now, and I’m not even that old. A friend of mine is having a hen do day in August where we are going paddle boarding and having a bbq and some drinks. Much more my style!

Yikes! I can see how you feel but it's too late now really. The biggest expense and sacrifice (annual leave etc) was the Abroad Hen and that's done now. The Home Hen is more manageable because you have more control over when you arrive and leave. Being told what to wear is annoying (and I'm someone who wears black in all seasons!) but it will look churlish to push back on it especially as a black dress is easy to buy cheaply or borrow.

I ended up in a very uncomfortable position when I was bridesmaid to a cousin and her BF arranged a Hen that I had no way of affording. I literally didn't have the money for the trip or anything closer to it (was doing an admin job while i went to law college in the evening and had got a massive loan to pay the fees and i had mortgage and bills on top). While I was agonising about it the BF announced we would all chip in to cover the brides share too and I nearly burst into tears. I had to say I just couldn't afford to go. Luckily one of the other BMs said the same but it really did not go down well.

I also think you’re taking too much responsibility.

You have already been to the abroad hen do, there’s no need to go to the home one as well. If anyone has a problem with it, let them. It’s not like you haven’t already participated. I think you’ve done enough already.

OP, I have a very similar SIL. She's fundamentally a good, kind person and i'm fond of her, but so much of her life revolves around social media, everything she does is for Insta and Tik Tok and to her that's a completely 'normal' way to live.

Trust me, this shit will not end once the wedding is over. Every birthday, every Christmas, if she has kids the pregnancy announcement, the baby showers, gender reveals, kids parties that are so OTT they probably cost as much as a normal person's wedding...it goes on and on. Every family event ends up being so meticulously staged, it's more of a performance than a celebration. I learned early on that there's only so much of this fake social media bullshit I can tolerate before I lose the will to live. So SIL knows I will show up for important family things, I'll always be good to her kids and I make an effort to get on with her friends and family, but no I won't be told what to wear, nor will I be doing any stupid dances for Tik Tok or taking part in 'candid', 'spontaneous' moments that are painfully obviously staged for social media. I've never fallen out with her about it or made a dramatic stand or anything, I just kept it light, but firm "oh you know me, SIL i'm really not into all that stuff but you go ahead". She doesn't even ask now, it's just understood.

The whole wedding thing has got out of hand. I would politely decline to join in and explain why. I'd happily go to the wedding if that's what they wanted, but there's no way I'd be spending my hard-earned savings on something I didn't particularly enjoy.

Tradition, mainly. There are lots of rituals around weddings in every culture, this is a UK one. I'm Scottish and one of our traditions was a 'show of presents'. The bride and her mother would host all the women at home, lay out their wedding presents and have an afternoon tea and maybe some alcohol. Then the bride and her friends would go out round the pubs banging pots and pans, trying to get a kiss and money off men I think?! Needless to say, that tradition has died out! Apparently it dates back to the 19th century, so it's interesting that people are criticising brides for being social media-focused, when it's clear that the instinct to show off and get attention because of a big life event is just human nature. (And before anyone says oh I hate being the centre of attention and didn't have a hen do - this is a generalisation).

She gave you and your Mum the perfect excuse to get out of it and said she understood if you couldn’t make it! I don’t understand why you went after that.

I’m a lot more blunt than you (also ND). I just say sorry not my thing, have a nice time. I’d rather be seen as rude than waste £1000 on a hen do I don’t want to attend. Tell her you can’t make the local one as you’ve already spent loads on the abroad one.

My prediction for the gender reveal or baby shower is that everyone has to wear blue and pink. Get your boundaries in place now, OP, before it's too late!

Just say it is not your "cup of tea" as you have been on one hen do already

I love a little black dress, have loads. Just choose your favourite one and have a great time. Now is not the time to start trying to police her behaviour.

I'm English and I agree with you.

If you were writing this from 2003 you could be my SIL. OMG, she was so in love with being in love with DH's brother. We were very close to him, we'd been in and out of each other's spare rooms, holidays and work for a decade.
We liked her and she absolutely played us perfectly. Said exactly what we wanted to hear. Post wedding that tight family give and take just vanished. Babies made it worse and she's now the ex but forever connected via the kids.
I don't think she was all to blame, my BIL is a weak, easy going man who drifts through life always shadowing someone for work, home decor and hobbies. But the close family thing didn't even last a year post wedding.