Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

It wasn't apparent at the outset is was going to cost as much as it ended up costing 😔

I usually have very firm boundaries, which has cost me numerous friendships over the years.

It's different because it's family, who I love and am close to.

Also, at the point of agreeing to the Abroad Hen, there was no plan for a Home Hen, otherwise I may have opted for that. Saying that, it would have possibly been uncomfortable being the only bridesmaid not in attendance.

Eurgh. Politics.

It simply wouldn't have been a choice for me. I'm pretty well off now but at the time when my sibling and dh's sibling were getting married we did not have a spare £200 let alone a spare £1,000. We needed every penny for things for the kids.

When dh was best man to his friend who lives at the other end of the country he went to his stag do, shared a room in a budget hotel, went paintballing and had a few drinks in a local pub. Cost far less. For the wedding itself we couldn't afford a hotel so we stayed in a caravan on a nearby campsite.

Yeah, this is where it has been difficult to discuss certain things with them. Almost like, if it's not what they want to hear they're a bit techy about hearing it 😔 Or the "just do what you want / don't do something you don't want to" isn't a genuine, no-strings offer.

Make three holes in a bin bag, put it over your real dress.

Not family. That is 'someone my brother married.' Hen parties are generally the bride's close female family and friends, not her future husband's family, unless there's an independent friendship. I have five SILs (big families), most of whom I get on very well with. I was never invited to any of their hens.

I think that boundaries are as, if not more important with family who you love and are close to, than friends. They allow healthy relationships.

I would also maybe put out there, that you're not as important in this group hen shebang as maybe you think you might be. She was very clear in her message that you would just have to accept you woudn't be going, if you wouldn't be going. It didn't sound like she was particularly distressed about it.

You need to decide, because there will be other family events in future, where you are willing to sit on this obligation business, and decide in line with what kind of money and energy you're comfortable with good will.

Accidentally wear a colourful dress. Will guarantee you don’t have to be in the photos.

What you're describing isn't a close family relationship, this is an obligation with consequences. There's a difference.

Sorry OP. I'm not a fan of hen dos in general but I voted YABU because you said you want to be supportive but you already voiced your displeasure with the first hen do ( It was over the top expensive I think but anyway)

Your main gripe seems to be the photo taking.
Its a big life event for her.. They all want photos. I'd just let them get on with it.

I think you should just accept that you are very different people.. in her circles everyone takes lots of photos and I think you are reading far too much into that. Some of the phrases you used come across as a bit snobby.

OK so you don't like all the photo taking but it's what they want to do. There's no harm... Just take a step back. As for worrying about future events.. That's just daft and rather unfair to a new family member. Let them do them. You don't have to get that involved in it.

Come up with a polite excuse for the next hen do ( I would have gone to the UK one and not the overseas one) but since you've already been you don't need to go to this one. I don't think you should mention your dislike of their photo habits if you want to be supportive as that would be completely dissing the event you've already been too. There will be photos at the wedding. There always are. Just let them do what makes them happy.

I'm not into staged photos for social media. Referring to it as narcissistic is really harsh though. I have a friend who is really in to all the staged photos, she is the most lovely woman I have met. She is creative and into photography, it isn't narcissistic at all.
I wonder if you have self-esteem issues that are leading you to judge others so harshly. Or maybe you don't really understand what a narcissist is.

Oh no, what a shame, it looks like you've got norovirus.

Fucking Instagram has become more important than life itself!

Was one of the posed photos you all lined up spelling something out on your arses, OP? There was a post about this recently 😂

Surely a “home hen” is just a catch up for those who didn’t want to spend ridiculous sums going abroad. There’s surely not an obligation for you to do both?

I would just go along with it, it’s only once. You can afford it and it will be better in the long run for family harmony. My sister did some mad stuff for her wedding but we laugh about it now.

😀

It'll be very Instagrammable.

Wow! That's a pretty strong reaction.

I haven't bitched about the request to wear black with anyone organising or even attending the Hen Do, save speaking to my own Mum, so I'm not sure where you have had that from.

As for who cares about people wearing black - I know of 3 already who aren't chuffed by the idea. Why dictate to people what they can/can't wear? It's going to be the middle of the afternoon in July. If it's like this, we're going to be baking. I don't have black summer dresses, save for one which is not appropriate for a Hen Do. It means buying yet another outfit. Is that not over the top?

It's quite the assumption that it wasn't the holiday I expected. Again, where have you had that from? It wasn't a holiday but it was pretty much exactly as I expected.

I'm not sure why having my own views/thoughts/feelings which are different to others is anything to do with any sort of hierarchy. I am who I am. They are who they are. It's as simple as that. My current dilemma is gelling those two things.

As for instructing me to "stop raising various reservations"... Why? It's a public forum - isn't this exactly what it's for?

“I’m absolutely skint after the last hen do so I won’t be able to make it to the home one. I hope you all have a wonderful time and I can’t wait to see the photos xx”

Cannot and will not ever understand the people justifying spending a grand that you don’t really have to spend on a hen do because “you don’t want to cause a tiff” or “it’s family”

I think you're going to have to suck it up now, and it's not a lot more money/time considering what you have already spent. You could not wear black and you will likely be pushed to the back of photos but that might be a bit petty. Perhaps after the wedding you can let your brother and sister-in-law know that you're really not happy being plastered on Instagram and would rather celebrate without always looking for a photo opportunity.

But it is narcissistic. There’s a difference between narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Everyone’s narcissistic to an extent, it’s human nature. But to structure and prioritise everything around looking good for Instagram (which the vast majority of people who aren’t yourself don’t actually give a toss about) is a narcissistic thing to do.

It would be an awful shame if you were struck with a mega migraine on the morning of the “do”.

You’re allowed to have opinions! We’re human.

But you’re the one lacking in boundaries, you’ve spent over a grand already and now you’re moaning about it / digging at other expenses.

This is what happens it’s a cycle. You lack boundaries and can’t say no, do something you don’t want to do / can’t afford, then moan about it

The thing is, the cost wasn't entirely apparent at the outset, not were the requirements for outfits etc. It was put to us as going away on these rough dates, who's in? and it grew from there. My Mum and I both agreed to go so we were committed at that point. I also couldn't pull out and leave my Mum to go on her own, that would have just been cruel.

I have rocked many a boat over the years, so I'm not afraid to do that. And it's far more nuanced when it comes to close family.

Plus, the Home Hen wasn't even on the cards when we signed up for the Abroad Hen. I wanted to go to support my future sister-in-law but it just evolved into something more and more demanding as the planning went on.

Ooh look, another thread having a go at how some people, particularly in the younger generations, do things differently.

You want to judge her and her friends for their choices, but really, it sounds like they’re having way more fun than you are. You spent a grand on a week away and seemed not to be able to make the best of a situation you wouldn’t have chosen to be in. So what if she wants a gender reveal and a baby shower? It’s her life, and her friends, if that’s how they celebrate, let them. Go or don’t, but making a martyr of yourself then judging her for her choices is a ridiculous thing to do.

If you don’t like these things, that’s your issue. You didn’t have to go. My brother’s financeé decided she was having a murder mystery weekend with all her very loud friends who love a drink. Not my thing at all, and I couldn’t afford it. She knew I couldn’t afford it because she had already bitched about my brother lending me money for rent at the time. I made my excuses and afterward she made a snidely comment about some work colleagues she had invited (to make up the numbers) and how they went even though they were skint. I said, more fool them, I’d rather pay rent this month.

You don’t get to decide how people choose to live their lives. If you want to judge them, at least be honest rather than going then bitching about it behind their backs. You made a choice to spend the money, that’s not her fault.