Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

Tell her to cluck off!

YANBU. At all. Buuuuut.... it's her hen so as unbelievably ridiculous as her wishes are (and I completely agree it sounds like a nightmare), they're her prerogative. I'm getting Sonia from Gavin and Stacey vibes (about your future dis in law) just reading this but it's her hen, so her choice. And you agreed to it.
I never get why people think it's completely reasonable to expect people to pay huge amounts of money for hens, stags and weddings... especially in the current financial climate where so many of us are struggling just to get our bills paid.
So, I'd say, go to the hen. You've already bankrupted yourself and this is going to be much cheaper. Go along with what she wants - it doesn't matter if you're seething with resentment, she doesn't need to know that and it's only one day. She's happy, your brother's happy, you've done your sisterly duty. It's absolutely ok (and completely justifiable) to feel irked, but be very very careful about saying anything because it'll be construed as you making everything about you... don't say anything else to the bridesmaids because it'll get fed back at some point (it always does).
And good luck!

I never get why people think it's completely reasonable to expect people to pay huge amounts of money for hens, stags and weddings... especially in the current financial climate where so many of us are struggling just to get our bills paid.

I agree.

And I never get why people enable them, by agreeing to their ridiculous demands. If more guests and invitees would just say "I'm sorry, this is beyond my budget" then maybe the bridezillas/MOHs would try to scale back their plans.

Completely agree!

I have been on a couple of hens recently. They’ve ranged from £350-£1000 (just for the hen do!) madness. One of them got married abroad too which was over £1000 in the end as well.

I am now ending this madness and going to decline in future. I had a day and night out in London for my hen, and that was ideal.

I completely get you OP. In my job i travel to some amazing destinations. When we all go out to sightsee, dinner etc the younger members of staff are more obsessed with getting the perfect picture for the “ gram” than actually enjoying the place we are visiting. Its incredibly shallow, boring and it wears thin pretty quickly!