Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

Could you maybe post in the group today something like “is anyone else having second thoughts about wearing black today 😂. Let’s hope it’s not this hot in July” and see if anyone picks up the hint?

@MiniLob

If you want to keep on good terms with SiL and the rest of the family and not have to wear black in July and be Insta'd all over the place, I'd probably pony up the money (if I could afford it) and then the morning of "Oh dear, I've had D&V since 3 am. Must have some bug or maybe it's food poisoning, I don't know. But I'm just so miserable and I don't want to chance infecting any one if it's a bug. I hate to miss out, but I won't be able to come".

OK, it's the coward's way out, but it's probably what I'd do.

In addition to it being annoying to have to take part in all this (if you are not into the performative beauty/closeness/loving relationship thing but just sort of get on with your life!) it is also bloody boring on Instagram. Everyone looks sort of the same.

Me too, it’s utterly ridiculous how much money people are expected to pay, let alone having to pay for the bride’s expenses too.

People lose all sense of perspective around weddings. I personally think just toe the line and wear black, its for one day. Pushing back on this is the sort of thing that starts the huge family feuds you read about on here regularly. Is it really worth that?

I think the time to put your foot down would have been the point you were asked to cough up a grand for a hen do, not when asked to wear black for a night away. I also can’t understand your husband blowing a grand either. At this point you need to stop sniping to the others (it’ll def get back to the bride, if it hasn’t already), and either say you can’t make it, or slap on a smile and your best LBD and get on with it.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

why dont you just wear what you want and when they raise eyebrows on the day tell them you will opt out of the photos? She is only getting away with this nonsense because everyone enables it.

Play your cards now before the baby shower, gender reveal etc…(when you know she will ask half to turn up wearing blue and half to turn up wearing pink 🤮).

I'm getting the feeling that a few posters had similar, ridiculous over-the-top Hens 🤣

I was wondering who actually plans such thoughtless 'events' in RL

Not a chance I'd pay so much for an indulgent meaningless party. If you are close and she's any kind of friend, she'll understand people not being able to attend. Or even wanting to at that cost. Abroad Hen and Home Hen? 🙄

OP I hate to say but this is going to be every birthday, christmas, party in your family from now on.... let alone baby showers, christenings. You've got yourselves an Instahun in your midst.

I'd personally go along with it but I'd make sure that I did something wayward every time.... like very visibly rolling my eyes at the "smile" prompt

There’s a big difference between a few random photos at different stages to performative, prescribed photo shoots where you are instructed to fake laugh so it looks picture perfect on ‘insta’. The former is normal, the latter is narcissistic. You have more patience than me, OP!

Maybe. But honestly, from the tone and the judgement I get the impression that anything other than no photos at all ever, would be interpreted at constant photos.

There’s also that the majority of large hen dos/nights out tend to splinter into a few slightly smaller groups as like minded people gravitate together so the chances of constant, all 20-50 of us posing photos might happen maybe 3 times over the course of a night. Which really, really isn’t excessive or that deep.

The cost? That is ridiculous and I wouldn't have paid that. But you've already paid so..

But taking photos and wearing black? Eh, not a huge deal. I'd suck that one up for her.

If she's able to get away with this nonsense there'll be no stopping her, wait for the Announcement when she's broken the earth by getting pregnant, gender reveals, baby showers, birth presents, the penny mine will need to be bottomless!
If you've endured 1 Hen Do tell her that's all you're doing, there'll probably be other victims of her delusions of grandeur cheering you on!

Come down with a stomach bug.

the message changed to "if you can't make it, that's a shame, but you just have to accept you can't come".

Eek... I wonder if the invite was out of politeness and they didn't actually expect you and your mum to go?! It's pretty unusual to invite your future MIL (even your own mum) to an abroad hen do, SIL yes but now you've mentioned your mum... Too late now but I think they fully expected you both to politely decline!

Why don't you post a message saying something like, "Really looking forward to this! I won't be wearing black though as I haven't got a black summer dress and would have to buy something new just for this, and I'm feeling the pinch at the moment. I'm happy to stay out of those photos if you want everyone in black." I reckon a few others at least will side with you.

Sneering at her and calling her a narcissist for going along with societal expectations for a hen do is a bit pointless really. Accept you’re different people and suck it up for the sake of your brother or blow your familiy apart. Up to you.

I would go but refuse to wear a matching outfit. Mention that you are happy not to be in any photos and that you can't do the fake laughing this time anyway. Because it's ridiculous.

I mean, no hen do I've ever been to has been like this, so I'm not sure they are societal expectations.

I think you are past the point of no return now. If you really don’t want to go to the home do and don’t want to upset anyone develop V&D the night before, tell them you don’t want to put anyone at risk and you hope they have a good time.

I think you were wrong to complain about the abroad hen to the other bridesmaids, you basically slagged off what they planned for their friend and more than likely they told her. There is being outspoken and direct but there is also a time to just suck it up and that’s after you’ve agreed and gone along with things and most importantly when it means not upsetting someone you claim to love. It’s not your cup of tea but it’s your futures SILs.

i think you need to take a look at you. There is nothing wrong with having strong boundaries but there is also a way to vocalise these and there are definitely times to just suck up things and vent to someone neutral and removed from the situation if you must.

I have been in situations where I’m worried I may say something I would regret on these occasions I usually develop something that means I’m bowing out quietly not to upset others, as I said V&D is perfect.

Just you wait till the wedding...

Sadly I think hen parties have changed. I went to one in May, having not been to one for a few years. Slightly different, as was UK based, but wedding was abroad in half term, which cost around £3.5k for partner and I.
Accommodation for the hen, small food shop for nibbles and breakfast, cocktail making and a couple of bizarre activities cost £250. Then there were meals out, drinks, taxis, train there- all told cost the best part of £600! The final insult to injury was buying a bloody t-shirt!! I opted out, which the MOH was very upset about, as it would look better in the pictures if I had one.
The whole thing was miserable. Feel as though we had 50 of the same photos in each venue we went to and we were given an itinerary of clothes we had to adhere to over the hen weekend. I just don’t get it, I really don’t.

I hope so! 🤞

The trouble is that if you continue to seethe over this there’ll only be one person to lose out and that’ll be you and you risk ruining a happy family time for yourself. It’s annoying you’ve had to spend so much money but it’s spent now I guess so you just have to kiss it goodbye and move on.

The social media pleasing is such a shame, it ruins all of the fun doesn't it! As for what you do next, if you've already paid it I'd just suck it up and wear black. Then make sure once it's all over you say no to pricey hen do's going forward.

I don't get all this hen & stag do's abroad & the expense of it.

The idea of sending the men down to the pub the night before the wedding (eg: stag do) was established in the days when a wedding breakfast was a few sandwiches & bottles of beer at home. The idea was to get the men out of the house so that the women could crack on with preparing the food, clean the house etc in preparation for the wedding guests.

Now it's become a SMfest. I can't help thinking that all this is a waste of time & money.

Surely the focus should be on the marriage not the wedding - or even the pre-wedding?

But then I'm an old lady & what do I know? I was married to my first husband for 32 years until he died & now married to my second. We didn't have a stag or hen do. We had a quiet registry office do with close family & friends, a nice lunch in a local hotel afterwards. Perfect.