Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

I’d be tempted to pull out and hope they’d deem me unreliable so I wouldn’t be asked to org side baby showers and gender reveal etc. I can’t see this stopping with the wedding. That’s terrible of me though! I think I’d probably go to make the effort - again! 🙄 - for my brother and her too since you are fond of her. But I’d be ready to say a firm no if asked to organise anything else in future so you don’t become her party planner.

Organise*

If she sees this thread your problem will be sorted anyway ;)

I would go. It would be a pity to have dropped £1000 on the abroad hen do, only to come across as churlish by not attending the UK one. Most people have black clothes so hopefully you could borrow something or if not buy it very cheaply.

It is tacky and self obsessed though. I absolutely hate this trend of telling people what to wear unless you’re prepared to pay for their outfit.

I don’t think going will lead to a life of blowing up balloons for the arches of a baby gender reveal party - does anyone but the parents even care what gender the baby is. Forewarned is forearmed and most things other than weddings are easier to get out of.

I would have just said "thank you for inviting me, but I don't have the budget for this hen do, but I'd love to come to the home hen do".

Only an incredibly self obsessed narcissist would be offended by that.

Edited to say that I hadn't read that the home do wasn't on the cards when you agreed to go to the abroad one.

I still think that you could have not gone to the abroad one without causing offence.

Raise whatever reservations you want here. But not with the organisers, u less its a hard issue or just part of general chat like shall we do xyz.

Black hens with white "bride" dress is a modern trend, everyone is doing it. It's an organised hen do that you are invited to attend I.e. fall in line with. It's perfectly fine to decline - I have done because both of them sound like a nightmare to me. But socially, the way to behave is to go and go along with it, short I any hard red lines, or don't go and leave others to the fun.

Did you actually have fun on the holiday? Because it comes across like you hated it because you didn't like the photos and socials?

And you say you havent moaned about it but you've spoken to your mum and I'd be interested to know what you said to the 3 other people who have concerns- did you agree with them? Or, as an outspoken person, did you sit quietly?

YANBU. But… in for a penny, in for a pound.

You’ve sunk a lot in to this already - don’t risk it all being for nothing by falling out with your brother and SIL!

Possibly not quite the helpful suggestion you're looking for, but Next have got a very cute little black linen dress at the moment. Its very summery, and i think you'd carry it off with nice sandals, big sunglasses and a mahoosive hat.

Just have an "unexpected" bad back/tummy bug/family emergency.

YANBU to hate all this stuff.

But I think you’ve overestimated the degree of obligation on you. You aren’t that close to the bride - you’ve already talked about feeling like you’re from different generations. Just because she’s marrying your brother doesn’t make you close to her - and the hen do is for her and not your brother. Equally, your husband isn’t necessarily close to your brother.

I would have gone with just attending the wedding tbh!

Except that every woman and her dog have these black and white hen pictures now!

It would obviously be rude to not show up for the wedding but you could easily have bowed out of the expensive hen. It’s too late for that but cry sick off this one at least. You’re married to her brother, not her - she may feel obliged to include you but you don’t have to go, she won’t have a worse time if you stay home and you will have a better time.

Unfortunately we live in a world where the 'perfect' Insta/FB photo is the most important part of any event now, from the filters used to having the right pose. It seriously drives me insane, especially after going away with a friend and her having to take endless selfies of us every night until she felt she looked OK in one to post. It was bloody draining and something I wouldn't want to repeat ever again.
The amount of money you have spent is also above and beyond what I would consider reasonable for a hen party (not just one but 2!!), unless you are comfortable enough to afford it.
I do think the colour scheme is a good idea tho, I have just been to one where we all wore black and the hen white and the photos do look really classy and let's the hen 'stand out'.

I think you need to get a grip. People are allowed to be different and enjoy different things. Why do you keep saying you hope she returns to being kind and wonderful? Nothing about any of this suggests she's not.

You're the one who seems to think being outspoken (ie rude) is something to be proud of.

You didn't have to go on the hen do. The other bridesmaids said as much. Instead you did go but silently (or maybe not) judged them for having fun with photos etc. They are just making an event out of it so she feels special.

Now what is happening that is so awful? She wants you to wear black? So TF what? You must have something black. Otherwise borrow something, anything.

Or else, make up an excuse and don't go. But stop being such a miserable judgemental prick.

I’ve never been to a hen do where the actual cost is given upfront, it usually starts as a sensible suggestion in a WhatsApp group and escalates from there. I wouldn’t be honest with them op just say you’re sick if you don’t want to go. It’s not worth the hassle or risking your relationship with your brother. I hate making up excuses, partly because it would probably benefit the bride to realise she’s being a bit ridiculous (friends will be thinking the same) but it never goes down well.
With you on the instagram thing too, I’ve never met anyone who’s overly into Instagram that is happy either.

Honestly, I know it's dishonest but I'd just call in sick "oh no, it's noro, I'm so devastated as I had my beautiful black dress all ready to go and I couldn't wait to wear it and stand around for a million fake photos, such a shame, so sad, have an amazing time"
If there's 50 people there she actually won't miss you, it's basically every female who will be at the wedding surely!? She'll barely get chance to say hi to each person.
The only time I wouldn't do that is if it leaves your mum high and dry, on her own and also not happy about it!

I live in black. Wear it in all weathers/seasons. It really is possible without dying. I find it classy, timeless, slimming etc.

I can’t believe this was your tipping point.

suck it up at this point in time!

I'd say something like,

As we both came to the hen and stag do's last month we won't come to the one planned for next month as well. Have a lovely time and we look forward to seeing the photos.

I’m all for people having fun but crikey, £2k on hen and stag dos when it isn’t even your own wedding or honeymoon?! I wonder if half the people that went actually really wanted to go, but just went along with it to save face. How arduous to pretend at that level of expenditure.

It is so tricky, but I would have declined both of those and stuck with the Home Hen at most.

I think I’m getting old, but I really do wonder when people expect others to pay this level of madness who is it for? Fair enough if you can afford it but how about people who cannot, do they feel pressured to attend or would it financially detract from your future home set up? Is it for the bride, the friends, the social media gratification or the marriage itself?

Less is more sometimes.

just as an out there thing, I recently attended a pottery painting hen, it was actually really lovely and we had hot drinks and snacks. I hadn’t been to something like this before but it was really nice. We all got to chat and relax for a change, honestly the nicest thing to do. Another one was a light lunch at a nice countryside hotel, we all got dressed up and enjoyed the best meal! Maybe that comes after your 20’s for some.

Not everyone wants a showy social media / alcohol fest.

@MiniLob i do agree with you (apart from the overuse of narcissism) however you come across as really judgemental. It’s what she wanted to do, you agreed to it and now complain about it behind her back. You’re not wrong to feel the way you do but if you future sil who you love to peices saw this, I reckon she’d be hurt, not because what your saying is wrong but the way you seem to think you’re better than her for having a different way of enjoying yourself.

I agree it's all madness but it sounds like she's been swept up in all the excitement and social media, losing a lot of perspective, things like this can take on a life of their own. But it's all a bit late to object now and you do love her, so I would just grin and bear it.

Can you get a dress in a charity shop? I find lovely things in them. I think virtually all my clothes come from charity shops. Go to the wealthiest area near you and look in their charity shops! You can have the added pleasure of taking it back to them for resale (NOT refund), so you’d be donating the value twice.

Not a chance I’d be going! You already went to the oversea hen do. It alone was too much, especially considering what the stag also cost. Make your excuses and bow out now!

I find this behaviour crass and immature, but some people lap it up.
I had a friend that I loved dearly, but her, hen-dos, weddings, baby showers etc broke me. We have a very distant relationship now, but tbh she is quite narcissistic.
This is family though, so suck it up, slap on a smile and very slowly distance yourself afterwards.
I feel for you OP x

I honestly think that some of these Bridezilla’s have forgotten what marriage stands for. The union between a man and woman in love. There are so many of these weddings that become nothing more than an expensive circus.