Husband ran up debt

[deirdrechilly]

He’s just told me he has 21k of debt. He told me last week it was 7k which came as a shock as I thought it was 5k a few years back and he was working to clear it (like myself who also had 5k and has been working to clear it)

When we met 20 years ago he had 30-40k of debt, lived with his parents and drove a bucket of shit car. No designer clothes or expensive habits, nothing to show for it other than nights out and poor money management.

He took out an IVA to clear it and also a second job. It was cleared he quit the second job and we were finally debt free, built up credit and finally able to buy a house.

then tonight he tells me this. It’s built up over 10 years he says. Nothing to show for it.

i also had debt when we met, had a DMP, and learned from it. Have achieved several promotions in my career and found out last week I’m soon to be getting a promotion that comes with a 17k pay rise bringing me on to 61k per year. This is still sinking in for me, I left school at 15 with no aspirations, got saddled with debt from my first relationship, spent years working two jobs myself and finally felt as though I was winning at life last week. I was excited to look at new houses as have been wanting to move, he mentioned consolidating credit card/loans. I said oh what do you have left I only have 2.5k on mine. He said 7k I was a bit shocked and it’s been on my mind. On one card he said, just not managing to survive despite working 2 jobs (he was adamant he wanted to work a second job again about 5 years ago for extra income)

clearly our finances are separate, with his 2nd job we were earning roughly the same until 6 months ago when I got a pay rise.

we have our own accounts and send money to a joint account for bills. His 2nd job is taxiing so he needed to take out a loan for his car, he pays that himself (don’t know if this is fair or not I could never decide)

we fight the odd time when times are tough money wise and I say right let’s sort this out and show me your outgoings and we can see if it’s fair. he thinks he pays out more than me, he is shit with money but I didn’t think to this degree.

i don’t know his taxi earnings, we pay joint bills and the rest is divided up so he pays petrol usually and some groceries and I cover majority of household stuff and anything for the kids as I shop more and enjoy it.

im hurt. Im angry. I feel so deceived. I feel so stupid. I feel sorry for myself that my big pay rise is going to be spent sorting his mess out.

I don’t know if I’m being over dramatic or not - he will tell me I am.

this only came about because he has pissed me off today for other reasons and I know he always avoids showing me his finances. I wanted to sort out money to see what kind of mortgage we could get and after he told me he had debt I wanted to know the full picture. He said he took his credit card off his Apple pay but I saw him use it today. He has at least 3 on there - yes I looked and I’m glad I did as it set the ball rolling for me to find this out today.

im sorry this is long. I’ve left the house to clear my head and I’m literally digesting this as I type.

any advice welcome. Am I the asshole for being dramatic, is this that big a deal? Who clears it?

how do I work out finances now?

he tool charge of the mortgage renewal 2 years ago, the next door neighbour is a mortgage advisor and must know all this yet I’m in the dark. I was getting a hard time for how many times I shop a week I’m in home bargains ffs

there is no gambling issues, I’ve never suspected this and he’s told me there isn’t but it’s something I will be checking to make sure. I just think he lives outside his means and has shit money management.

and tonight before this came out I was accused of being a bully coz I told him to stop acting like a manchild

Massive hand hold or you because I just don't even know where you'd begin.

Fwiw, I think you sound amazing for working your way up in life and facing this head on. You've achieved so much and even though I don't know the way forward or you, I do know that you'll be ok because you're stronger than you know X

Honestly do you think he will ever change? My Ex was busy gambling and running up alsorts of debts. I divorced him 20+ years ago - he is still running up debt - been through his inheritance, and you can see where its heading. I would look at protecting your own position and move on.

This man isn’t going to change, he’s going to continue to get into debt, and effectively resource grab from your children. Don’t spent your hard earned money sorting his shit out. You have two children who need you to provide for them.

It sounds like you might not great financial literacy (and I mean that with no shade as most of us don’t!) - but that’s even more of a reason for you to not be with someone like this.

He sounds selfish and pointless. Good luck on your promotion. I would say bye bye to this one.

Yes I don’t want to be that person. I have never been that person. He generally has a bad attitude to be honest, a bit entitled and narrow minded at times. At this point I don’t even know why I am with him. I’ve been with him since I was 19 and don’t know anything else.

I think he’s lived outside his means for so long and has a bit of FOMO when he sees other people going on holiday etc he wants to always have something booked. He booked a trip last week for him and my son for £300 and I knew nothing about it. I think he’s out of control with his spending - that is very extravagant for him but he thinks nothing of spending money. He doesn’t look after his pennies but I never stop looking for a bargain

Sadly, you have found out that this leopard will never change his spots. My ex is the same. The primary reason he became my ex and one of the reasons it wasn't his only divorce.

I guess it depends how much you want him.

Option 1 – keep him but take over all aspects of the finances and give him an allowance.

Option 2 – get rid of him.

May sound brutal but if you can’t trust him with money, then you need to step up or get rid.

You’re so kind, thank you. I know I’ll get over it and through it but this changes everything and now all I can think of is my kids future X

Sorry, OP, why do you think that you have to pay off his debt? I assume it isn't in joint names. This is nothing to do with you - if he hadn't told you, you'd have just carried on as normal. Just leave him to sort it out, and look after your own finances.

That's one hell of a lot of hairbo and bottles of orange juice!!

Thank you, you’re right I just can’t be bothered getting involved with it all. There’s always something else for me to think about so I let him get on with it. If I do something I do it right, 100% effort and it would just take up a bit of time I thought he was happy to take over. He’s financially savvy in the sense of having all the credit cards on 0% and swapping them about - so he tells me and knows all the tricks in the book it would seem.

Harsh but true. I wince at the idea of being his financial keeper but what other option do I have if I don’t want to split up the family.

I'd start with getting credit reports - for both of you. That will show you exactly the position and whether he was still lying....

At this point I don’t even know why I am with him. I’ve been with him since I was 19 and don’t know anything else.

Yep, that makes things harder but you’re a capable, intelligent woman and you’ll be ok. You said you’ve never interfered in his personal life, but as his wife you’re entwined in his personal life - you technically share a life and children together and you need to know the lay of the land. If he won’t share openly with you, you’re on your own anyway.

I see us a family unit and also want to move house, having this hanging over us will affect a mortgage and our relationship. Despite having separate accounts I do see it as joint money and I just want it gone so we can move on and forget about it but I’m also aware of the fact that he has done it twice. Behind my back now and lied to me for a long time. So I don’t know what to think.

That only works whilst he is servicing the debt. If it all gets worse and spirals she could lose her home if they own it jointly and being financially linked to a bankrupt fucks your own finances

I was only able to keep our house when husband went bankrupt because he wasn’t on the mortgage or deeds and we had nothing joint at all. If he had been on the deeds the insolvency service would’ve had claim.

Separate finances only goes so far at protecting you.

@deirdrechilly he's untrustworthy and you don't keep an eye on household finances? Who's doing it then? Certainly not him or you.
Get a grip before it gets worse.

I did Option 1 for a decade, he has now got himself back to debt again so now in Option 2. I wish I’d not bothered with Option 1. It was a horrible way to live and actually ruined our relationship.

If you choose to help clear it you are just enabling him ! He's been this way for the last 20 years and he won't change now

It will all get considered in the divorce settlement yes. The total debt that we both have will come off the house equity first and then it will be split. I’m livid, I had enough cash in savings to clear my credit cards (which was all joint things really as we renovated our house), but if I am having to clear his he can also bloody well clear mine and I’ve put all my savings in trust for DD instead, means I no longer have any as I can’t get it back but also stops the dickhead benefiting.

I used credit responsibly to benefit from 0% interest while savings rates were good, only borrowing what I could repay (always having more cash than the credit). He was borrowing without any way of ever repaying. He can’t see the difference, and that’s why I’m done. He hasn’t learnt anything from the first bankruptcy which wasn’t entirely his fault and connected to a failed business. But this second time there is no excuse. I want out before the debt recovery letters start coming.

Oh my goodness that is so awful for you. I really have no idea about this so the debt comes off the equity, no wonder he’s been so reluctant to sell before now.

he borrows without thinking about it definitely, life for today type attitude but no awareness for the future. I don’t even really know the full story until I speak to him. I can’t just now. I don’t know if he understands the impact

The debt will only come from the equity if the loans are secured on the house, or you are declared bankrupt in which case all of your assets are counted.

Thank you for this. I’m assuming they are not secured against the house.

No. In the divorce settlement we are splitting the equity in the home 50/50 but after all debts are settled first. The debts are not secured on the house, they are credit cards. And he won’t be bankrupt at the divorce.

eg equity in house is £300k, so we would get £150k each. But combined debt is £50k, so equity split will be £125k each as it’s £300k-£50k divided 50/50. Those are just example figures.

There’s virtually no chance a judge would sign off on leaving him with all of his debt even though he accrued it all.

Well as suspected the money has been squandered on absolutely nothing. Living beyond his means, his statements are full of petrol, shopping, bank transfer fees, subscriptions at £8-12. Even going through them his answer to all my queries, sure it’s only £15 a month, I wanted to watch the football that was just a one off payment of £35, I only pay a direct debit to the lottery for £20 a month. That was the only form of gambling. He is very apologetic, I can see it’s a big weight off his mind. He was starting to have a panic attack when I was having a go about the balance trf fees. He has no idea how it accrued or when it got so high. Said it just happened.

I’m so sad. What he pays out a month in debt is basically what he earns in his 2nd job. My son hates that he works so much in the taxi and knowing now that it’s all for nothing is heartbreaking.

He’s happy for me to take control of his spending and I can see it’s a relief but it’s now such a responsibility on me. I don’t want to be his keeper.

cards have been cut up and removed from Apple Pay and safari auto fill as well. Not really sure if I’m missing anything.

obvs I’ll be checking everything regularly and have his credit report login details too.

I thought to myself last week that things were going great when I got wind of my pending promotion and I thought oh no something is going to go wrong. I suppose I should be grateful that it’s just money at the end of the day. I really appreciate all the advice and support. I didn’t know how to react or what to think and you all really helped X

Apologising is easy.

Do you think he’s understood what he has done?

Do remember that he was literally putting something on his credit card while you were discussing this.

I think I’d take him along to Step Change or similar charity. He’s a financial child.