DDs "trans phase" ending?

[Thismightbeouting]

Dd14 has always been stereotypically masculine. Its just a look she likes. No problem.

She hates her birth name so goes by a ridiculous name instead (think Spite or Quasar or Moth etc). Whatever but I do cringe when I speak to the school.

Social contagion at her school is awful so she was very quickly TOLD by her classmates she was trans. For a couple of years she found it funny.

She is a very young looking and quite niave 14 year old but despite that, someone at Pride sold her chest binders 😤. I found one and she eventually told me she was trans. Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route. I explained the problems with chest binders (which obviously the person at Pride didnt😤) and with her consent I replaced the chest binders with strong hold sports bras. She wasnt ecstatic but was happy enough.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me. If we go a day without her accusing me of something or telling me shes moving out in 4 years and wont ever speak to me again, we're doing well. So needless, to say, we havent talked about the trans thing (or anything else 😪).

Last night someone called her "they". I asked her about it and after being told I dont care about her and it doesnt matter because shes moving out in 4 years, she told me that she thinks she is "gender fluid", not trans but hasn't decided yet (decided?).

I just said ok, that she doesnt need to label herself and that I love her.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version. Her current favourite is Nicola / Nick. She said its my fault because she hates her birth name. I just said make sure its a proper name this time and we laughed.

So, do you think she seems to be coming through the other side of the trans nonsense? I think all signs point to yes? Quiety optimistic bit not counting my chickens yet.

I think the key message to yourself is the one you have already given your DD . She does not need to label herself and you love her .

Not quite clear on the voting, but I hope for your sake that your DD will settle down.

She's 14 - maybe it's time to sit down and have a serious talk with her about how it's not ok to repeatedly say she hates you. Ask her how she thinks it makes you feel? She claims you don't care about her - ask her what 'caring for her' means in her opinion?

Be calm and loving, like it sounds you've always been, but personally I would start challenging her on her disrespectful behaviour.

No OP, I think what it more likely to happen is your child will move out as soon as they are able and your relationship will be in tatters. I can't imagine your child will ever forgive you.

Forgive her for what? Honestly, what has OP done wrong?

It's ok to have different world views from your loved ones. My mum is religious and I'm not, but we still have a close and loving relationship.

OP doesn't believe you can change sex (I'm assuming) and her DD does, but again why does that mean they can't have a good relationship?

What's important is to remain loving and respectful. Sounds like the OP is doing that, her DD less so - which is normal, since she's a teenager, but maybe she should be challenged on her hurtful words.

Wow StarStay are you 14 too?

OP since your dad is only 14 I’d expect a lot more highs and lows and changes of identity before she settles down. She’s got a lot of growing and living to do. It sounds like you’re handling it really well being non reactive. This is a positive sign, I’d continue to let her do her thing within reason while keeping her safe as you can. Good luck.

Those names are excellent! 😂

My DD was very similar at that age although without the hate stuff, and I had a similar reaction to you, although I also refuse to use a new name. She's now about to turn 16 and very much using her actual name and wearing lots of very feminine clothing etc. So I think it is a bit of a phase at 14 and you sound like you are coming through it.

For what?

My sister is gay and my mum told her she would rather she committed suicide than was gay - she was 18 at the time and disowned by her. She went to uni and done well (no support finacially) - got married last year nearly 40 mum turned up late and left early huffing and puffing saying she didnt like the pride flag. Mum said my sister was disgusting etc

and my mum wonders why none of us elect to talk to her or spend anytime with her now

so as long as you are not going on like that you are doing brilliantly !

I’d massively affirm the Nic/Nicola choice, and tell her it’s very perceptive and forward thinking of her to choose a name that allows her the maximum freedom of expression in adulthood.

Make opportunities to mention ‘maximum freedom of choice’ in adulthood, planning for the future etc.

It’s what we do with their exam choices so there are lots of related opportunities to raise it.

You can do anything to your hair and clothes and still have options in the future.
Breasts and hormones less so (but don’t mention it!). Stick to the positives and well done.

Teens pushing you away is normal. You need to find a balance between giving them nothing to push against so they get ever more extreme, and clamping down so they again get ever more extreme!

It’s great that she’s telling you her new name etc.

One thing to be aware of is names on documents. It may be worth suggesting she stick with the birth name for official things so that her docs stay matched, but use ‘known as’ for day to day things. Just paint it as a way of avoiding hassle in future with banks/jobs etc.

Im so sorry your mum let your sister and you down like that. I cant even imagine the thought process of parents disowning their kids. 😪

I hope your sister had a lovely day.

Neither can I tbh
i am currently ttc aged 38 first child and with each miscarriage i cry thinking how lucky she was to have three lovely ( albeit we are not perfect humans) daughters and how awfully she treated us

i was a disappointment in her eyes graduating from an elite university due to the inconvience of the cost of my graduation gown - you get the picture

you sound lovely op and your daughter is lucky to have you

She wouldn't be getting away with telling me she hates me for a start, in our house! She does sound like she needs firmer boundaries and a bit less indulgence, tbh - most of what she's coming out with is just this generation's fads.

Stop weaponising fear to groom parents into affirming something which could be harmful to their child.

If you are not ashamed you bloody well should be.

Forgive OP for what?

I completely disagree with this. If your YP tells us they hate you, be proud that they feel safe enough in the relationship to say this. I think the poster is taking exactly the right stance

Ridiculous 🙄

You can’t possibly be a parent yourself.
OP you are doing a fantastic job, keep on as you are x

Are you also 14, by any chance?

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me.

Why has she decided she hates you?

I increasingly think that this narrative that children only kick off in environments where they feel safe is trotted out to make grown ups feel better about the crap job they've done of parenting.

I sent you have handled it really well so far.

One of my closest friends has a daughter who came out as trans. My friend fully embraced it took her to special groups, organised a float at pride through her work put her child in and butterfly wings on the float, told everybody she was a boy Really really celebrated it. She kept telling her how proud she was.

At the beginning of this year two years into this I would say, the child attempted suicide and ended up in a psychiatric hospital after having her stomach pumped.

She felt that she could not tell her mother that she was not trans after all that she was a woman as her mother had been so proud of her for being so open about being trans and she felt that her mother. I would not be proud of her anymore if she was just an ordinary woman. Thought there was no going back, that she would have to tell everybody and nobody would be celebrating at this time. The whole thing was awful for everybody.

Then you have a shit imagination.

That is really awful. However, that's not to say that this doesn't also happen the other way around. It could have gone down the same path had she not been validated and accepted.

It's a fine line to tread and I don't envy any parents who are dealing with this.

Why do you say that??