DDs "trans phase" ending?

[Thismightbeouting]

Dd14 has always been stereotypically masculine. Its just a look she likes. No problem.

She hates her birth name so goes by a ridiculous name instead (think Spite or Quasar or Moth etc). Whatever but I do cringe when I speak to the school.

Social contagion at her school is awful so she was very quickly TOLD by her classmates she was trans. For a couple of years she found it funny.

She is a very young looking and quite niave 14 year old but despite that, someone at Pride sold her chest binders 😤. I found one and she eventually told me she was trans. Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route. I explained the problems with chest binders (which obviously the person at Pride didnt😤) and with her consent I replaced the chest binders with strong hold sports bras. She wasnt ecstatic but was happy enough.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me. If we go a day without her accusing me of something or telling me shes moving out in 4 years and wont ever speak to me again, we're doing well. So needless, to say, we havent talked about the trans thing (or anything else 😪).

Last night someone called her "they". I asked her about it and after being told I dont care about her and it doesnt matter because shes moving out in 4 years, she told me that she thinks she is "gender fluid", not trans but hasn't decided yet (decided?).

I just said ok, that she doesnt need to label herself and that I love her.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version. Her current favourite is Nicola / Nick. She said its my fault because she hates her birth name. I just said make sure its a proper name this time and we laughed.

So, do you think she seems to be coming through the other side of the trans nonsense? I think all signs point to yes? Quiety optimistic bit not counting my chickens yet.

Brash?! Calling her a joke of a parent for not going along with an impressionable 14 year old’s pronouns?! Downright rude.

Lol. Don't be daft. If every stroppy 14 year old who accused their mum of hating them moved out at 18, they'd be filling flats 12 to a room. Acting like this at 14 is more common than not, and has been forever. The only modern twist is the trans aspect. My DD was leaving home at the first opportunity because I was killing the planet. While at 14 I was a communist and thought my labour voting parents were disgusting capitalists because they didn't live in a council house and property was theft.

I dont think she has ever said "I hate you" to me. That wouldnt be acceptable. I can see how my phrasing implied that.

Regarding her pronouns. She said it depends on the situation eg at school she uses "he/them". At scouts she is "she/her". I asked why the difference and she couldnt really say. She has never said she wants me to use different pronouns or a different name. So please dont say I am not respecting her requests.

The idea of us learning about trans stuff together horrified her.

@Thismightbeouting I do think dc are caught up in a “trans” wave with other dc labelling them the minute they spot short hair and boyish clothes! Schools have possibly allowed this to go too far and in some respects it’s bullying, Dc are popped in the trans group whether they are or not and at 13/14 they barely know anything. Schools should respect the sex of pupils and pupils should be required to stop labelling others just because they wish to look slightly different. In young teens it leads to all sorts of confusion and difficult relationships.

I also think the young person can end up being lonely and lacking friends. I think some dc definitely live up to the label they are given and these labels are not helpful. At 13/14 they are manipulated by others and are not mature enough to know their own destiny so follow what others dictate. Any parent dealing with this then treads on eggshells.

Im well aware teen girls get very wound up about clothes and fitting in. My DD1 used to get really upset at being a size 12 at 15. She’s a size 10 at 32! However at 15, clothes size was the big angst when shopping and I barely dared suggest that squeezing into a 10 wasn’t a good look but as it was my money, we had to reach a compromise. There’s always a compromise to be found.

Going to be flamed for this but trans/alternative gender identities among teens is on the way out I reckon. my 14 year old daughter has told me that it’s only the “NEEKs” (nerd/geeks) at school who are trans. In other words, the kids who find it hard to fit in with the social norms. My heart goes out to them as I might well have been one back in the day, as a non-gender confirming teen. Social contagion has always been a massive problem with teenage girls, see also eating disorders and self-harm.

I would personally just carry on with the "you don't need a label to be you, just be yourself & who you are". I do think there is a certain fixation on labels-i've always said to mine why try and fit yourself in a box and restrict yourself-I love you for being you, not a label.

A completely separate issue though is the way you are being spoken to and that is not a "trans thing", that is a respect thing and personally I would not be tolerating it.