DDs "trans phase" ending?

[Thismightbeouting]

Dd14 has always been stereotypically masculine. Its just a look she likes. No problem.

She hates her birth name so goes by a ridiculous name instead (think Spite or Quasar or Moth etc). Whatever but I do cringe when I speak to the school.

Social contagion at her school is awful so she was very quickly TOLD by her classmates she was trans. For a couple of years she found it funny.

She is a very young looking and quite niave 14 year old but despite that, someone at Pride sold her chest binders 😤. I found one and she eventually told me she was trans. Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route. I explained the problems with chest binders (which obviously the person at Pride didnt😤) and with her consent I replaced the chest binders with strong hold sports bras. She wasnt ecstatic but was happy enough.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me. If we go a day without her accusing me of something or telling me shes moving out in 4 years and wont ever speak to me again, we're doing well. So needless, to say, we havent talked about the trans thing (or anything else 😪).

Last night someone called her "they". I asked her about it and after being told I dont care about her and it doesnt matter because shes moving out in 4 years, she told me that she thinks she is "gender fluid", not trans but hasn't decided yet (decided?).

I just said ok, that she doesnt need to label herself and that I love her.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version. Her current favourite is Nicola / Nick. She said its my fault because she hates her birth name. I just said make sure its a proper name this time and we laughed.

So, do you think she seems to be coming through the other side of the trans nonsense? I think all signs point to yes? Quiety optimistic bit not counting my chickens yet.

This is a tragic but clear illustration of the harms of the affirmation model.

Its very, very difficult for anyone, even fully grown adults, to move back from an opinion they have strongly held and are associated with. I can't even imagine how much harder it is for a child or young person who has been publicly celebrated and had their whole social standing and identity tied to something they no longer believe they are.

I remember another mother saying her son, who had identified as a girl, was waiting till his was old enough to leave his school so he could go to a different A-level college and go back to being a boy.

Let kids be kids for God Sake and do kiddish things without adults imposing their beliefs and narratives onto them.

Sounds like you have done a brilliant job OP in a tough situation. Well done.

I think you are doing fantastically OP. I bet some of the things you are saying to your DD (about the trans thing and also that her words are hurtful) are going in on some level, even if she doesn't acknowledge this. Sometimes at 14 you know deep down that you are being a bit ridiculous/unreasonable but you still can't hep yourself. Being neutral and ensuring she knows you love her sounds like the best approach.

I love marshmallowpuff reasons to hate your parent, and also TeenLifeMum approach to nonchalantly checking if "David" has a penis or vagina 😂Also love TeenLifeMum thoughts about name changing.

Thank you

Yes, we've spoken about using her birth name on exams etc. She understands why and is fine about it.

I was impressed when she said about Nicole/Nick being more professional because one of things I said to her when she first said about changing her name was that people have perceptions based on names I'd that the one she uses at the moment at school etc wont give the best impression on a job application.

Im sad that she wants to change her name. Her birth name is beautiful but classically feminine so I understand if she doesnt feel it represents her.

Once she's chosen a sensible name like Nicola, if she wants us to use it, then we will respect that. Shes not asked us to use her current one, thankfully!

For instance, this morning when she said "you dont care and Im moving out in 4 years and will never speak to you again". I replied "ok. But in the meantime we have 4 years so lets not do this. Have you got everything for school?"

Perfect response. She's going through some big changes, has hormones flying around all over the place and you know this is only temporary. Best thing you can do is try and stay as unemotional as you can in response. I say this as a 30-something who said some truly awful things to my family when I was that age, none of which I stood by once the puberty rollercoaster had concluded.

even last night though you made a comment about the name - and I think that might be the root of it all.

explaining the dangers of chest binding etc is fine having judgment about her name may not be and I think that is the block

Absolutely nothing. You have been a model of common sense. Ignore batshit comments like the one from @StarStay .
(Presumably you were supposed to enthusiastically affirm and reinforce whatever immature thing your child decided on. It’s hard to believe the author of that comment was ever a young teenager, or can remember the daft things we all do or say at that age. If we still said the same things four years later it might be different, but instant affirmation just makes it much harder for a youngster to ever row back from their earlier statements if they should want to.)

I saw The Crucible (brilliant by the way and so current). In it an old lady called Rebecca Nurse says if the girls "I have seen them all in their silly seasons... I think she'll wake when she tires of it." and I thought ‘spot on’.

Taylor swift did ok with her unisex name

Thanks @DisappearingGirl

I have 3 teen girls so I’m in the thick of it. I’ve also learned never feed the drama (sometimes fail on this one). If they scream “I hate you” I’ll walk off and make a cup of tea then sit in the garden or on my bed ignoring the abuse. I’m not being verbally abused in my own home so I ignore. They honestly hate being ignored more than they hate being shouted at! If you want me to answer, you have to speak to me civilly. We don’t have much anger thankfully. Dh gets caught out by hormonal outbursts occasionally which he tries to manage with his very logical male brain (that’s not to be advised imo).

Jawd'uhn is terrible, Jordan is perfectly fine and I know male and female Jordans living good lives.

It's nothing to do with it being unisex and everything to do with it being an atrocious misspelling of a normal name in a poor attempt to be yooneek.

My best friends daughter has just come out the other side of this. She was ‘Meghan’ (not real name) until 13 when she ‘came out as a trans boy’ for around 2 years and we all had to call her ‘Mike’ (again not real name) which we dutifully did.

It was quietly dropped without fanfare from anyone and I happily dropped of ‘Meghan’ and my daughter to prom this week, both very much girls in their lovely prom dresses.

What on earth was she doing in your bed? 😂

So true 😂😂

My personal experience (limited, admittedly, to 2 kids - one mine, one the daughter of a friend) would lead me to ask you to consider if there's any neurodiversity going on. Sometimes when a kid feels they're different and feels they don't quite fit, gender is something they can latch on to as a reason for how they're feeling. There's a lot of messaging around that supports them in this.

Your dd changed her name and label but it didn't fit. She might go through several more. If being the wrong gender isn't whats causing her to feel different then changing it won't fix how she's feeling.

Do a bit of reading around adhd and asd and see if you think there's anything there that might ring a bell.

I took the same 'that's nice dear' approach as you. After the ADHD diagnosis there was never another word about gender.

Oh Christ OP, ignore the dickhead, they've got nothing useful to add.

You sound like you're handling this brilliantly, even though I understand the constant teen hate is wearing. The 'that's nice dear' approach is sensible and you also sound like you have given her enough space that she can change her mind and come back out of it, without losing face. You stand a very good chance of ending up with a daughter that loves and respects you, and looks back on her teenage 'Kevin' years, of being so hurtful and rude, with regret and embarrassment (in the face of your continued obvious love and support). She might even apologise one day in the very distant future.

At the Globe? We saw that a couple of weeks ago, there seemed to be a lot of parallels didnt there?

Exactly. That post was ridiculous. OP has done nothing wrong.

I'm surprised your child has gotten away with repeatedly telling you she hates you, OP. That's ridiculous, too.

OP I have a FTM 22 year old who is still banging the drum since the age of fourteen.
Initially she wanted full surgery and a name change. Nothing has happened.
She has her paperwork and money.
However from being called TERF, bigot, transphobe we can now talk about trans rights. My DD is neither gay or bisexual. So I still don't get it. She has a boyfriend and wants chikdren.
We had a fabulous talk last night about glam rock. She asked me what people use to say about these pop stars and I said 'nothing' we just accepted people as people.
She is at university and that can be a hotbed of transactivists but they're mostly non binary or A sexual in her friendship group. The uni vicar is a bit too confirming for my liking! She has made one friend who is MTF but seems very helpful to my dd re PhD studies and goes about their business quietly. No strippers kit!
The difficult bits were the American TRA who push surgery and abandoning your family for 'glitter families' if you didn't agree to everything the DC came out with. The pushing of suicide threats and stats is very real.
I did a lot of 'yes sweetie' I'm the first few years but I have slowly refused to agree with the ideology.
The Supreme Court ruling had her up in arms but she now understands the reasons. She didn't talk to me for days.
I see a change in my daughter.
Be careful around names. My daughter can't get a part time job. Her birth name doesn't match her application name and it confuses people. Easier to employ someone else without potential drama.

OP this sounds awful for you and it sounds like you've behaved admirably. It must be heartbreaking having her speak to you like that.

Don't be silly.

@Thismightbeouting I think a lot of this is the name thing though and even in your post there is a lot of sensible name and sadness and I think issues with the fact she changed her name and that you never called her it

sje doesn’t hate you she hates herself and a name change is a way of changing who we are - incredibly common in today’s society - the issue being that actually it can go further and then it can become much more problematic

Forgive OP for beign condescending and miffed the child is finding their own identity and is not yet sure who they are at the age of 14.

This is the trouble when adults aren’t adulting properly. I agree with other PP that it can be a difficult line to tread as one of the main tools used by trans activists is parental alienation.

OP, some of your daughters’ emotional conflict and declaring that she ‘hates’ you is likely a product of trans activist influence (as well as a dose of normal teenage angst).

As part of the grooming and indoctrination of vulnerable kids, they set impossible bars for parental behaviour (immediate and complete affirmation and celebration of the declaration of a trans identity) and insist that families who don’t comply should be punished with no contact or various coercive or manipulative behaviours (like threatening to commit suicide).

Some trans activists have been online advocating for ‘trans’ kids to use a loud whistle in reaction to failure to use demanded pronouns, they have advocated no contact with families, especially elderly relatives - even if dementia prevents any level of understanding of the grandchild’s new ‘identity’. I think there was even a teen tv drama that set this up as a scenario recently where the elderly relative not believing that her grandson was now ‘granddaughter’ made her the bad guy.

It is highlighted on a current thread in FWR that childhood gender dysphoria is most frequently a TEMPORARY mental health condition, mostly resolved by the child maturing through puberty. I’m so glad your child is maturing and resolving her growing up issues with minimal harm (hopefully no lasting damage from the binders?)

Trans ideology is being demonstrated for what it is - lies and abusive behaviour by men against women and girls.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version.

This seems sensible and sounds like a young woman who is navigating her own path through all the nonsense that is being thrown around