DDs "trans phase" ending?

[Thismightbeouting]

Dd14 has always been stereotypically masculine. Its just a look she likes. No problem.

She hates her birth name so goes by a ridiculous name instead (think Spite or Quasar or Moth etc). Whatever but I do cringe when I speak to the school.

Social contagion at her school is awful so she was very quickly TOLD by her classmates she was trans. For a couple of years she found it funny.

She is a very young looking and quite niave 14 year old but despite that, someone at Pride sold her chest binders 😤. I found one and she eventually told me she was trans. Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route. I explained the problems with chest binders (which obviously the person at Pride didnt😤) and with her consent I replaced the chest binders with strong hold sports bras. She wasnt ecstatic but was happy enough.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me. If we go a day without her accusing me of something or telling me shes moving out in 4 years and wont ever speak to me again, we're doing well. So needless, to say, we havent talked about the trans thing (or anything else 😪).

Last night someone called her "they". I asked her about it and after being told I dont care about her and it doesnt matter because shes moving out in 4 years, she told me that she thinks she is "gender fluid", not trans but hasn't decided yet (decided?).

I just said ok, that she doesnt need to label herself and that I love her.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version. Her current favourite is Nicola / Nick. She said its my fault because she hates her birth name. I just said make sure its a proper name this time and we laughed.

So, do you think she seems to be coming through the other side of the trans nonsense? I think all signs point to yes? Quiety optimistic bit not counting my chickens yet.

I can just picture you, chin raised, thinking you are bold and progressive, bravely and nobly battling the wicked TERFs. In fact, of course, trans ideology is totally regressive because of its reliance on outdated stereotypes, and you just look silly.

What would really be progressive would be everyone agreeing that people should be able to dress, present, behave however they want, without having to deny that they are whichever sex they (immutably, in every cell of their body) are.

You have no idea whether or not I or anyone else knows people who say they are trans or non-binary (as it happens, I do), so I suggest you stop being so self-righteous and judgemental. And stop encouraging confused children and teenagers, who are by definition immature, to make decisions that would be difficult to undo.

Have I missed "authentic self"? That’s on my card!

@StarStay please do report any discriminatory comments, I think you’ll find that as a bunch us MNers have a huge amount of respect for the hard working @MNHQ moderators.

As someone saie up thread you’re assuming none of us have any experience of trans people. You really are very far off the mark.

This thread is about a teenage girl, facing the challenges of growing into adulthood, and her mother, who loves her, and wants to support her and keep her safe. As parents have always done.

The OP has been answered by a variety of people, of different ages and life experiences - I suspect mostly women - taking time and care to help give advice because they want the best outcome for that child and her family.

And for you it is just 'a laugh'.

You have made it quite clear the care you take of people. What was it I said earlier, about #bekind.

Have you got much experience of adolescent children?

I hope as she matures she will understand she is her self and doesn't need to label herself. You did really well talking her out of chest binders. She knows she's loved and you accept her for herself and she'll probably come through this stage. I was a teacher at a secondary school for many years and I've seen other girls get pressured by peers to be trans and eventually they left school and reverted to being female. I saw one of these girls not long so long ago with a baby. She called to me Miss come and see my baby. I didn't recognise her at first until she spoke. She'd grown her hair and was with a man who was clearly the Dad of her baby. At school this girl virtually had a shaved head, wore a chest binder and we all had to call her a male name.

Why are you posting about your child online for strangers to mock?? It kind of undermines the message of love and support you say you have given.

She's not posting "for strangers to mock", she's posting for advice, support and a sounding board. As I'm sure you know, you're just looking for a fight.

Well said.

That post was an absolute disgrace.

We all listened to my cousin's child when she said she was trans. My cousin affirmed her, supported her social transition and her desire to go on testosterone.

Several years later, she has detransitioned, but suffering from long term health issues from her time taking T.

We all now know that a little more skepticism at the time would have been preferable.

It’s an anonymous forum. A cynic would think you are trying to shut down conversation about this topic

If that is really your take on the original post, what a strange person you must be, totally lacking in empathy with a parent doing their best in a difficult situation and looking for support in parenting a teenager. I don’t think this is the right site for you.

This must be a competitor for the most stupid post ever .

Oh for goodness sake... Really?🙄

I work in an education setting and the social contagion is very very strong with the trans/non-binary ideology especially amongst children on the spectrum, and not massively helped by schools who go out of their way to indulge it. Equally, a significant number of children do seem to grow out of it. OP I think you have handled it really well

The scolding ploppers get tiresome on these threads.
OP, just keep supporting your daughter without affirming. Hopefully she’ll come through this phase and one day be able to look back and cringe at herself.
Because, let’s be honest, we all remember being a teen and wishing that your older self could have a strong word with your young ideological self.

Well said.

I knew people who were old skool transsexuals 30 years ago. None of them declared themselves to actually be women (nor expected others to pretend they were). They were men who preferred a feminine aesthetic and weren't masculine men. But, even then, what it meant to 'live as a woman' was still based on stereotypes. They paid men to do their decorating and men to change the oil in their cars when women were just getting on with it and doing it themselves.

I know several trans/non binary people now and there is not a single one whose belief isn't predicated on regressive stereotypes or who doesn't make sure those stereotypes are represented/presented in every aspect of their life (as far as they have control over it). After all, what else would separate them from everyone else who occupies their sex class?

There's a fair bit of trauma and homophobic bullying in their pasts or just a sense that they don't fit into what a 'man' or a 'woman" is supposed to be or a desire to escape the current societal pressures placed on women to look a certain way - eg exaggerated female charactersitcs - big boobs, lots of make up, long hair, sexualised clothing.

In a conversation with one 'non-binary'person, where I was saying I was no different to her but I'd just accepted it as part of my personality and individual difference (namely that I don't wear make up, don't have long hair, do drink beer and have a couple of stereotypically male hobbies/interests) and she told me that I was actually just also non-binary and in denial.

Utter nonsense.

Exactly!

You're doing great OP. I suspect a lot of her anxieties about the school move are leading to her lashing out at you.

About 1/3rd of my DS's friendship group has tried out a trans identity including a range of crazy names to go with it. They're all clearly on the spectrum and trying to find their way.

Now they're all nearly 18, one by one they are reverting to their original names.

It's really not considered cool at their school.

Not read all the replies but I will do.

Something that has been asked is her sexual orientation. We've had some really nice conversations about it and shes still figuring it out. Which is absolutely fine.

I do think sexual orientation isnt always clear cut. Vitally, she agrees that that its more important to have healthy, respectful and loving relationships than whether they are penis people or vagina people. That is really, really important and all that matters.

Apart from being grumpy to her mum, she sounds like a sensible young lady OP.

Incidentally, wouldn't it be useful if we had a word for penis people and vagina people ...

Regards her name.

Imagine her birth name is Samantha Brant and the name she is using at school is Plant Brant. Honestly, it is that stupid. Tbh I dont think she thought about her surname when picking a name.😂

All the family call her Sam or Samantha. Most of her friends call her Plant but not all. She has never asked us to call her Plant. However, she did ask if we would give school permission to change her name on the register etc. We saw it was important to her so, as long as she sat her exams under Samantha then we agreed the school could use Plant Brant.

I call(ed) her Sammy but she has asked me to stop doing that so I have.

I hope you can see that we are trying to be respectful with her name but Im not going to pretend Plant Brant is a good name!

As I say, I am sad she doesnt want to use her birth name but names are so important and I would be more sad if she went through life with a name she hated.

She doesnt know but I hate my name and I've always regretted not changing it, even just informally, when I moved away to uni.

(Not real names but good comparisons)

It was a quote from someone above who didnt want boys in her daughter's room but they didnt identify as boys. Understand lyrics it was easier to define them by body parts than get into a gender discussion.

It doesn't matter what she/he/they are, what matters is that your child should NOT be talking like that to you.

Please don't just sit there and take it.

At no point have I lied about what I think. I've just avoided expressing strong opinions which might lead my child to assume that I will never accept her choices, or to avoid talking to me about her thoughts.