DDs "trans phase" ending?

[Thismightbeouting]

Dd14 has always been stereotypically masculine. Its just a look she likes. No problem.

She hates her birth name so goes by a ridiculous name instead (think Spite or Quasar or Moth etc). Whatever but I do cringe when I speak to the school.

Social contagion at her school is awful so she was very quickly TOLD by her classmates she was trans. For a couple of years she found it funny.

She is a very young looking and quite niave 14 year old but despite that, someone at Pride sold her chest binders 😤. I found one and she eventually told me she was trans. Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route. I explained the problems with chest binders (which obviously the person at Pride didnt😤) and with her consent I replaced the chest binders with strong hold sports bras. She wasnt ecstatic but was happy enough.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me. If we go a day without her accusing me of something or telling me shes moving out in 4 years and wont ever speak to me again, we're doing well. So needless, to say, we havent talked about the trans thing (or anything else 😪).

Last night someone called her "they". I asked her about it and after being told I dont care about her and it doesnt matter because shes moving out in 4 years, she told me that she thinks she is "gender fluid", not trans but hasn't decided yet (decided?).

I just said ok, that she doesnt need to label herself and that I love her.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version. Her current favourite is Nicola / Nick. She said its my fault because she hates her birth name. I just said make sure its a proper name this time and we laughed.

So, do you think she seems to be coming through the other side of the trans nonsense? I think all signs point to yes? Quiety optimistic bit not counting my chickens yet.

I wouldn’t say she’s coming out of it or that it’s just a stage. I think it’s pretty normal for a 14 year old to be confused when there are so many options given to them these days. I am a masculine female, I was a Tom boy growing up but we were not given all these labels and options, if we had been I think I would have been very confused and probably would have jumped on the non binary or trans wagon. I now have a DD who identifies as trans, I was hoping it was a stage but she’s now 21 and still wants to identify as male despite her not being masculine at all. I tell her that I love her how ever she identifies but I also tell her that I don’t understand why she has to label herself as anything.

My dd is very much like yours, my dd did move out when she was 18, she went to uni and went using her new name/identity, I think she thought it would be amazing as she could identify as male using her chosen name and everyone would except her. She made friends with other trans and non binary people but she still didn’t really feel she fit in (she has autism and a few other conditions). She’s now home and although I secretly hope she will drop the trans stuff, I don’t think it’s likely (not any time soon) but she has stopped wearing the binder.

OP, your doing a great job, raising teens isn’t easy.

My 14yo will occasionally hate me because I breathed wrong. Mostly she's fab and we get on great but in and of itself, it's not a massive problem.

OP I think you've dealt with this brilliantly. The pp who says she'll move out and disown you presumably thinks you should have immediately enrolled her at a facility like the Tavistock, signed up to Mermaids and supplied her with everything she needs to cement her (then) beliefs, making it far harder for her to voice future doubts or changes.

The trans stuff is very rapidly going out of fashion in secondary schools at the moment. It’s becoming really not very cool at all amongst the younger kids. My DD is 13 and at her school the only self-proclaimed gender/trans/nb children left are in the sixth form. There are plenty of gender non-conforming girls in the lower school, but they no longer seem to label themselves in relation to gender terms — they are just girls who like short hair and a more boyish look and sports, but they don’t seem to think that makes them not girls. Refreshing!

Hold tight as you are, and I think the rapid going out of fashion of the whole business will be on your side.

Because she's 14 and called Moth.

DD’s friends all went through this and at 17 one is still officially trans but the others aren’t. I’m not convinced the “boy” is convinced anymore as he wears girly things more and more and I wonder if he’ll rediscover himself as a she in uni.

we’ve generally gone down the “oh that’s nice/interesting” route but I did speak to her about names as all her friends were changing theirs. I said teens are naturally selfish and that’s normal but what they need to consider is that all babies are named with love. Parents choosing a name isn’t something you do flippantly and while I’d support her if she didn’t like her name, she does need to appreciate that we love her and chose that name while she was growing inside me, so changing it does have emotions attached. That wasn’t to say she couldn’t change it, she just needed to be aware it’s more that a name change and does impact others.

thankfully dd has come through. She’s gay and has a wonderful girlfriend but that’s not an issue for us. Dd2&3 think the whole trans thing is bonkers and it’s only the attention seekers in the year group doing it so I think we’re through the worst here. It’s so hard not to respond with “don’t be ridiculous, she’s a girl”. When dd1 wanted sleepovers we changed the no boys in the bedroom rule to no penis people and when she asked if David can come over if flippantly say “sure, penis or vagina?” And dd would role her eyes and say vagina. Felt like I was going insane.

"You don't need to label yourself and I love you."

You've got this OP.

I think you’re on the wind up @StarStay. Try getting a life.

You are doing a great job by the sound of things OP. You are standing back and letting your child figure out her feelings and her place in the world, while remaining respectful and supportive and looking out for her future health (re the binders.) You know her better than anyone else, so if your radar is detecting a shift in mindset, chances are you’re probably right.

Forgive her for what! The OP hasn’t done anything wrong. Literally nothing.

Right?! I think I may go by Spite Quasar from now on lol

Oh and yes my DD hates me too. Reasons for this just in the last week:

1. I didn’t allow Snapchat and “everyone else has it” (they don’t).
2. I asked her to do her piano practice.
3. I asked her to wash her hair, as it was getting greasy after four days of not doing so.
4. I asked her to go back upstairs and brush her teeth properly rather than just stick a brush in her mouth for two seconds and declare it’s been done.
5. I asked her not to upset the cat by poking the cat’s eyes to get the cat’s eye boogers out.
6. I said she could not have pasta and sauce for the third day running because she needed to eat some vegetables.
7. I did not allow her to drink a chocolate milk before dinner.
8. I asked her to pick up her dirty clothes from the upstairs landing where she had left them.
9. On dropping her off at school I rolled down the window to tell her to remember something, and one of her friends was nearby.
10. I was annoyed to find her sleeping in my bed with her feet on my pillow when I went up to bed one evening, and did not in fact let her sleep there all night.

I could go on. Anyway, for all of these sins she HATES ME and I’m a HORRIBLE MUM. The WORST ONE EVER. Apparently.

It's very difficult to tread the right path, and can I urge those with children who have not reached this stage to be very careful what they say, lest they burn bridges before there is even an issue. One of my daughter's friends has just come out as trans, and her mum has been quite disparaging about others in the past. If her daughter heard any of that, then however supportive her mum is now, the disapproval will always be there, even if unspoken. (I've experienced this with my mother's disapproval of "only" children - which she hasn't mentioned since I was in my teens.)
I am worried by the current trends, but I am careful to remain reasonably neutral in front of my daughter, just in case. She seems quite happy to be female, but should she want to experiment, I would rather keep the lines of communication open.

That is cruel, unevidenced, and unnecessary.

It is also an example of why adult women are far less likely now to feel the need to #bekind. We have seen too much behind the curtain.

Forgive her for what, exactly?

Yes, her attitude at the moment is awful. Really awful. If Im honest, Im struggling with her.

We dont have a good relationship at the moment.

Shes saying a lot of nasty things which are designed to hurt. She has even said she is saying them to hurt.

Its been months of it. Explaining that it hurts etc doesnt work, shouting doesnt work. Punishment gasnt worked. 'm just trying to stay neutral about them now. For instance, this morning when she said "you dont care and Im moving out in 4 years and will never speak to you again". I replied "ok. But in the meantime we have 4 years so lets not do this. Have you got everything for school?"

Last night we dpoke about the equivalent of a star chart. 🙄 She seems on board with that so we'll see how that goes.

I have already cancelled various activities etc.

She is changing schools next year. It is 100% her choice (although I think it is a good decision) so she is struggling with that at the moment so Im trying to take that into account.

Because she's 14?

I really hope this is true! Not saying I don’t believe you, more that I hope it’s happening in general.

My eldest son started wearing some ‘feminine’ type clothes a couple of years ago and I thought ‘oh dear, here we go.’ He still wears them and has developed almost a 1980s Martin Gore from Depeche Mode style of dressing, but not as extreme and without the bare chest😆 He kind of mixes and matches if that makes sense. He looks fantastic and I’m really proud of him for having the confidence to dress how he pleases, for not following gender stereotypes and also for not having his head turned by trans ideology.

As a mum to young children, I really hope this phase has moved on by the time my kids are teens.

You’ve handled it all well OP.

Im not sure about her attitude towards you though, gender aside, is it ok to say that to your mum? I wasn’t particularly pleasant to my mum in my teens but I wasn’t rude on a daily basis. Have you called her out on it? It’s not really ok for her to be treating anyone like that, including you.

Genuine question. Forgive me for what? What have I done that is so awful?

@lanthanum I disagree.

I have been crystal clear to my children what I think about this trend.

In the same way I have been clear that I'm not a fan of religion

I am not lying to my children just in case they decide to explore a dangerous/toxic belief system.

I went to a talk with Az Hakeem who has worked with individuals who believe in gender identiity theory, some of whom have detransitioned - these people were angry that they had been lied to by family members and wondered why they had not told them the truth.

You can tell her about the patient I had with hippie parents who was saddled with the unisex name “Jawd’uhn” (Jordan) who wants to study law. They hope to change it the very first moment it’s legal.

I'm sorry, OP, that sounds really tough. I think the "ok but in the meantime we have 4 years" answer is a good one.

Also, I'd recommend asking questions rather than explaining. So for example, "what do you think it makes me feel?" Rather than "I feel sad when you say X".

14 is a confusing time. I'd try asking her what she actually wants. In her ideal world, what would you her mum be doing/saying? She might not be able to articulate anything, which might make her reconsider a bit. Or she might come up with a constructive suggestion which you could take on board. Or she could come up with pie-in-the-sky stuff and you could at least have a shot at explaining why it's not possible.

I would definitely keep enforcing reasonable boundaries regarding politeness.

Apart from the whole trans aspect, so much of this is just normal teenage behaviour and I think you're right that she may be coming out the other side. Sounds like you've handled it the right way. It's just a shame that so often the normal teenage behaviour plus the trans aspect is so damaging.

@Thismightbeouting not read the whole thread but just want to give you solidarity with parenting a teen girl.

I was the worst mother ever this morning, my crime??? Giving cheese and onion crisps in the pack up.

I would caution against star charts - it was fail
and you’ll all feel a failure.

I think the biggest thing that makes it better is you working incredibly hard on keeping calm in response to her stormy behaviour. When she shouts and rages at you don’t take it personally, see it as her expressing to the one person on the world who should take her hurt and pain and be there for her.

When she tells you she is moving out, tell her you hear how angry she is and understands that she wants to be away from you, but she’s always got a home with you and you love her.

It’s ok to say to her living with the people you love is complicated and hard! We can have contradictory feelings.

Also remember a wish to move to independent living is a normal stage of adolescence. Humans are programmed to move on.

With the name thing when she says she hates the name you gave her, can you joke a bit and go ‘it’s a bloody big responsibility choosing a name! your dad and I loved that name but it’s ok for you to not like it! We just want you to be happy’.

Good luck!

Hopefully. My son has a female friend who came out as trans at school and has changed her name to something androgynous. He knows her outside school, where she continues to be she, but uses the same androgynous nickname. He finds it difficult to manage. He’s ASD - bright but very matter of fact snd struggles with change. The trans thing is generally a mind-bender for him that just doesn’t compute. His way of coping is to never use pronouns. At one point one of her school friends noticed and kept tried to trick him into using pronouns, but failed and the problem went away. This friend reinforces the girl’s in-school trans identity and doesn’t know her outside school, so hadn’t grasped that she seems to be growing out of it. I saw her wearing pretty earrings recently and she told my son that her parents think it’s a phase she’ll grow out of and asked what he thought. He replied with a non-committal ‘maybe’ and some platitude about its fine either way. He now thinks she wants to stop being trans at school, but don’t know how to. If the school hadn’t jumped on the bandwagon and reinforced this ‘identity’ she’d find it much easier.

So much changes between 14 and 18 for many kids. I've got 4 and at 18 it was like I could suddenly see my child again rather than the demon they'd been for a few years. There's no guarantees but I think the odds are in your favour.

I also think the "thats nice dear" is a great response in my experience, no angst or arguing or saying something you don't believe. It worked out fine with one of mine so I hope you have the same. Good luck.