DDs "trans phase" ending?

[Thismightbeouting]

Dd14 has always been stereotypically masculine. Its just a look she likes. No problem.

She hates her birth name so goes by a ridiculous name instead (think Spite or Quasar or Moth etc). Whatever but I do cringe when I speak to the school.

Social contagion at her school is awful so she was very quickly TOLD by her classmates she was trans. For a couple of years she found it funny.

She is a very young looking and quite niave 14 year old but despite that, someone at Pride sold her chest binders 😤. I found one and she eventually told me she was trans. Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route. I explained the problems with chest binders (which obviously the person at Pride didnt😤) and with her consent I replaced the chest binders with strong hold sports bras. She wasnt ecstatic but was happy enough.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me. If we go a day without her accusing me of something or telling me shes moving out in 4 years and wont ever speak to me again, we're doing well. So needless, to say, we havent talked about the trans thing (or anything else 😪).

Last night someone called her "they". I asked her about it and after being told I dont care about her and it doesnt matter because shes moving out in 4 years, she told me that she thinks she is "gender fluid", not trans but hasn't decided yet (decided?).

I just said ok, that she doesnt need to label herself and that I love her.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version. Her current favourite is Nicola / Nick. She said its my fault because she hates her birth name. I just said make sure its a proper name this time and we laughed.

So, do you think she seems to be coming through the other side of the trans nonsense? I think all signs point to yes? Quiety optimistic bit not counting my chickens yet.

You seem to be handling things well OP. I think if she finally says I'm a woman who is gay/straight, try to maintain your quiet support and not say 'thank goodness you've given up on that nonsense!' She could rebel against you again. Stories like @ShoutOutLucile are worrying, being too enthusiastic can backfire. Quiet non judgmental support all the way is best. My dd is a little younger and I dread those inbetween teen years.

@Indesperationrightnow

@GargoylesofBeelzebub you've both referenced being on the spectrum and non binary/ trans as connected. Do you have any idea if this pattern is due to a struggle to fit in or is there some genuine biological link between the two? I'm curious as I have children with autism and I would like to know a bit more about how to handle these issues if they arise.

Great thread - thank you OP. So important for parents to see that there's nothing phobic or unkind about being an adult and parenting with boundaries for teenagers - even when they push against them.

It's interesting that the OP's DD says she'll move out in 4 years. Promoting parental alienation runs through trans ideology like a stick of rock - just as demonstrated by @StarStay's first comment.* Framing parents as worthy of rejection or threatening parents that your child will reject you if you don't affirm is always* their tedious mantra. It's so good see so many posters (who are evidently parents or who care about children's welfare) picking that comment out for legitimate criticism.

@MrsOvertonsWindow i agree. Mine was moving out at 18. She tried halls for a year and now commutes.

I'm a long time poster on this subject but name change due to abuse.
I not a TRA or a transphobe just a mum trying to help my DD.
Humour works too.
My daughter picked a boys name which can be either. I shortened it to something funny. She's OK with that. It's hard OP but be vigilant and my best advice is don't ban friends who may be LGBT. Most of my DDs are now back to their biological self.

That sounds positive @MutedMavis. Parenting can be so challenging. It's enraging to see toxic people threatening and blaming parents when they come on here seeking support.
I think things are changing - not just because of the clear evidence of harm done to the young caught up in this, the Cass Review & the clarity / sanity of the Supreme Court judgment. But also on display is the complete lack of empathy, care and compassion from transactivists & lobby groups.
They don't care about the wellbeing of the young, but openly use them for their own ends, persuading them to criticise and abandon their families.. When you've worked with marginalised young people, the data is stark about the harm done to all aspects of their lives from being alienated from their family - educational and life chance data on young people in care of the state is grim.

To encourage parental alieanation to the young is a dreadful thing to do and it's good to see parents pushing back.

Oh absolutely, understood. It wasn't a dig at you. Sounds like you are dealing with it all more patiently than I'd manage!

That's great, glad we've cheered you up and made you laugh.
As it is pointless on a site like this, why have you been replying, when people are telling you ybu. Flounce exit is on the right.
Everybody else as you were...😀

Im not doing a good job. Im trying but Im not doing a good job. I know Im letting her down.

OP please please, don’t use the very rare shitty reply here as a stick to beat yourself with. Listen to the other voices who hear how difficult this is and how well you are coping with it.

Point taken.

It's important to be neutral, as the OP has been ("you don't need a label, I will love you whatever" etc.). Though it's also important to protect their physical health, to avoid permanent damage from things like binders.

A lot of the girls in her school are ultra "girly". She isnt. So felt a bit of an outsider.

She is tall and with her haircut and style, was often mistaken for a boy.

Then so many people started telling her that she is trans, I think she has been sucked into it because of all the "evidence".

Just checked with the 14 yr old here if it’s going out of fashion. Answer: hella yeah.

Stop indulging her with these silly names for a start. She’s 14, she needs to respect you. So tell her to leave then if she thinks that will make her happy. Some kids rule the roost because parents tip toe around them- clearly!

You are and I stand by what I said before. I am a trained therapist if this helps

Possibly.

Or possibly not. Because for some transgender people it's not 'a phase'.

Only time will tell.

An update...
She only wears black t-shirts, black jumpers and black trousers/joggers. She has admitted it's partly because she doesnt like to show her body but also because "girly stuff" is the worse thing in the world apparently.

She asked for some summer clothes because she has been roasting.

I asked what she wanted and she said shorts and maybe a dress. I said that's unusual and she said that she's realised not all girl things are bad! She wears sports bras (a compromise to not wear a binder) and said that if she did get a dress she'd want proper bras! I stayed neutral and just said ok and we'll see what clothes she wants and then look at underwear. She said she didnt understand bras and I said it's OK Ill help if she wants me to and she said yes.

Apparently there is a flag for being "trans unsure". She said she's been looking at earrings with it on. I asked why and she said its shorthand for people like her. I said I didnt really understand trans stuff but that I supported her 100%. She said she didnt understand the trans stuff either! She said it was confusing. I said maybe we could figure it out together. She didnt look impressed. I offered to buy her the earrings to show I supported her but she said she'd rather I bought her a black belt. 🤣

Anyway, we ended up buying a couple of thinner black t-shirts, some shorts (that she loves), a belt (!) and... a "girly" (her description) bag. We spent the budget but she said that she would consider dresses in the future. I asked if she still wanted some bras and she said she doesnt need them with t-shirts but that she when she needs new underwear she'd like to look at them!

This is HUGE! I really had to bite my tongue and it was so hard to stay neutral and not come across as judgemental or even relieved. I let her lead the conversation and didnt ask questions.

I realised that she doesnt see as much as I think she does. She has had a short back and sides for years and loves it. She knows Im not overly keen but equally I pay for it and helped her describe it to the hairdresser so obviously I respect her decision. Apparently she feels like I criticise her personality for having short hair. 😪She didnt realise that I effectively tell my parents to shut up when they start criticising it. I also made my husband's brother return a pink t-shirt that he bought her because he thought she needed "sofening" and told him to back off. He doesnt speak to me much now! She doesnt see how much I defend and protect her. I did tell her and edited version of this and she was shocked.

I did apologise for making her feel bad.

She did end the day by reminding me that she doesnt like me and that's why she doesnt talk to me about stuff. Tbh her saying stuff like that isnt unusual at the moment (although very hurtful) but clearly she is going through some things at the moment and she shared more than she has in a long, long time.

I will let her raise it again if/when she wants to.

I am cautiously optimistic but worried that when she starts a new school in September she'll go backwards.

I HATE my name. I always have. When I moved to uni, I thought about going by a new name but didnt want to hurt my parents (I was a people pleaser). I regret that so much. It's too late to change it now. There are many things I would do differently if I was 18 again and near the top of the list is changing my name.

I dont want her to feel this way. It's sad because her name is beautiful but she has to use it every day, not me. At least the new names are actual names.

You sound like you’re being very sensible. Selecting a name with options is a great solution but get her to find as many options as she can so it’s not a rush decision. It’s easy to pick a fashion choice or something based on current influences that she may grow out of at that age e.g she could just have a crush on one of the Lionesses etc not that this is a bad role model. Keeping her current name as a middle name could also be something she might consider. You can have a few middle names so it won’t get used much but keeps a link with her identity too.

If it helps, there are plenty of androgynous dress options like super long tees and also things like black shirt dresses to help her make the switch but without going full on girly. Shops like Uniqlo also have lots of great simple unisex clothes in the mens section and between the men’s and women’s sections. They also do alterations for free on things like leg length which might help if she’s on the shorter side. Good luck!

That’s amazing news. Huge update!

She has to keep up the facade of ‘I don’t like you, you’re sooo mean!’. It’s the roolz. However she had that conversation, considered buying a dress and a bra, and you are the person she came to for help with that. Actions speak louder than words.

Well done. Hopefully she can channel that feisty side to help her navigate a return to school. Praise her for trying out different things, mention how impressive her determination is, and that she can pick her own course regardless of other people’s opinions. That will help her resist and pressure she faces at school.

At least there’s still a badge for her 🤣 Do you even exist if there isn’t a badge for your identity?!

That's a lovely update OP - well done for responding so sensitively to her.

Maybe down the line (and at the right moment) you might be able to address her telling you repeatedly that she doesn't like you? Not in an antagonistic way but reminding her how much you love her. While it's absolutely the right thing for a 14 year old to disagree with you and to move out when she's older - that's how she'll become independent - she can still respect you and enjoy your love and care?
Not sure I've explained that clearly - just looking to counter the mantra "your parents are ignorant bigots and must be alienated" that's so commonly told to the young. Just a thought.

What a great update. Thanks OP.

My DDs used to say (very rarely) that they wanted to leave home - I just asked them when? I would not stand for tantrums without firing back! It’s just words because it’s meaningless at 14 but being rude isn’t acceptable and in their angst, they don’t care about parents. They just care about themselves and what they want. Then they grow up and mature! However I was never prepared to be spoken to in a disrespectful way and I said so.

i think the updates sound positive, and i think by staying neutral but also keeping everyone else off her back is the best way to move forwards.

My DD never identified as trans but she really hated "girly" stuff for a long period, and wore all black baggy clothes. At some point in her very early 20s she painted her entire room pink, only buys pink things and so on and so on. Turns out she REALLY likes the colour pink, but she didn't want the association it has with [weak] girl. She has found her niche now, mostly, and she's ok with things. But there was a period in her teenage years when she absolutely loathed me and it was difficult for her to ever ask for anything, even though she knew very well she needed my support/help.

We have a lovely close relationship now. I think you just have to be there and support, and definitely keep people off their back about their decisions.