DDs "trans phase" ending?

[Thismightbeouting]

Dd14 has always been stereotypically masculine. Its just a look she likes. No problem.

She hates her birth name so goes by a ridiculous name instead (think Spite or Quasar or Moth etc). Whatever but I do cringe when I speak to the school.

Social contagion at her school is awful so she was very quickly TOLD by her classmates she was trans. For a couple of years she found it funny.

She is a very young looking and quite niave 14 year old but despite that, someone at Pride sold her chest binders 😤. I found one and she eventually told me she was trans. Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route. I explained the problems with chest binders (which obviously the person at Pride didnt😤) and with her consent I replaced the chest binders with strong hold sports bras. She wasnt ecstatic but was happy enough.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me. If we go a day without her accusing me of something or telling me shes moving out in 4 years and wont ever speak to me again, we're doing well. So needless, to say, we havent talked about the trans thing (or anything else 😪).

Last night someone called her "they". I asked her about it and after being told I dont care about her and it doesnt matter because shes moving out in 4 years, she told me that she thinks she is "gender fluid", not trans but hasn't decided yet (decided?).

I just said ok, that she doesnt need to label herself and that I love her.

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version. Her current favourite is Nicola / Nick. She said its my fault because she hates her birth name. I just said make sure its a proper name this time and we laughed.

So, do you think she seems to be coming through the other side of the trans nonsense? I think all signs point to yes? Quiety optimistic bit not counting my chickens yet.

That sounds like a hugely positive step. Well done for keeping your happy dance inside but I’m very pleased for you both - fingers crossed she’s over the worst of the teenage bumpy bits.

@Thismightbeouting Didn’t your parents carefully choose your name? But you didn’t like it. Many of us in that boat. Maturity means you get over it! Most names can be shortened or a nickname found. Too much angst spent on this!

Yes. Of course they did which is why I was scared to change it for fear of hurting them.

I have accepted it but I hate it. It cant be shortened or adapted.

It's not like I spend hours anguished over it! 🤣 Just every so often when I have to repeat it or spell it again, it reminds me.

Funny story - there was a school mum who got my name slightly incorrect think Sarah vs Zara. These days, if its someone Im not likely to see again/unimportant, I rarer bother correcting them if it's vaguely correct. I didnt think Id see this mum again other than a quick chat in the playground so I didnt bother correcting her. Our children became quite good friends and so we ended up seeing quite a lot of each other. It got to the point where it was just awkward to correct her so I went along with the incorrect name. They moved away after a few years. We've stayed in touch and meet up every so often and she still calls me the wrong name. 🤣

Might get a bit of backlash from my response, but its just my observations / opinions.

I think a very small minority of those who say they are trans, are actually trans.

There seems to be a disconnect between recognising sex and gender as completely different aspects to your identity. Sex is your genetic make up. Gender is a social construct, that you can choose to conform to, or not.

I have a trans cousin FTM (no surgery etc as of yet but on hormone blockers, T etc). This revelation came at a time when he was recently grieving the loss of his mum to cancer. He had been bullied in school for years. At 24, he now had said he "thinks" he is actually non binary.

I had a colleague in the past also say they were transitioning FTM. Had previously identified as a lesbian female. Blockers etc taken, T and had top surgery. Years later, they also came out as non binary - although does not regret the surgery etc and dresses more like a male than a female. They had counselling, and after many many years of this, recognised that their identity had been crushed from years of child SA.

I have known of a couple of other MTF persons in my time that were relentlessly bullied for being a "feminine male" etc, that is basically became a self fulling prophecy.

I do wonder if childhood trauma pushes young people to want to drastically "change" their identities and rid of their past selves, rather than genuinely wanting to be the opposite sex.

As I mentioned, gender is a social construct. Maybe if parents are more accepting of their children growing up doing things they want to do, or dressing how they like, there wouldnt be as much of a crisis in young people, feeling desperate to put a label on what they are.

E.g. if your son wants to do ballet, it does not make him "gay" or "trans", maybe he just wants to do ballet?
Or if your daughter wants to wear tracksuits / football kits, it doesnt make them lesbian or "trans", its just a clothing preference?

I have it engrained in my DS from very young, that yes, he is male and has a penis, but if he wants to wear a wig or one of my dresses, he can. He can have his nails painted. He can pursue any career he wants in the future, despite his sex.

DS also went through a phase of "wanting to be a girl" but that soon died off when I explained to him the difference between sex and gender, and let him know that he didnt have to conform to the gender "norms" that are constructed.

To note, I am aware that there is a very small number that this may not apply to, and they are genuinely trans and happy with transitioning to the opposite sex.

Names are tricky though. You can give a child an awesome name that they hate because they want to be like everyone else. They grow up and realise it’s great to be ‘NotAnotherKate’.

DMiL brought us the top 100 names so we could pick a popular one for our DC. I used it to weed out any that were too popular.

At school I wanted to be a Sharon or Deborah or Joanne. I have to spell my name everywhere I go.
It’s great though. I never get ‘MyPlace who?’, or ‘Which MyPlace?’.

But that isn’t how I felt as a teen.

You what?????

@Thismightbeouting I’m in exactly the same boat, but you get over it! When I got a place at a grammar school, my parents were sent the boy’s uniform list. Never used my first name again but sometimes you have to.

Just read the thread and I think you have been doing a good job at supporting at your daughter. I can't believe there is a flag for being "trans unsure"?! Surely the whole movement has been predicated on the unwavering belief that people are born in the wrong body, that they have always known they were in the wrong body and every single day is excruciatingly painful living in the wrong body.

My DN decided she was trans and changed her name to some random boy's name when she was 13. Now at 16 she's kept the male name but I struggle to take her seriously when she still maintains she is male despite the miniskirts, crop tops, full makeup and boyfriend (who is apparently gay...which is why he's with her as she's a man)

Obviously in front of her I call her by the name she's chosen etc and call her he/him but I really think a lot of it is peer pressure and once she leaves school she'll be more confident to just be a woman (so do all my family

I have met quite a few of her friends from school and it seems they're all non-binary or gay or trans.

Unlike most of MN I do support people who genuinely want to live their life as another gender (so long as that doesn't mean infringement on the other sexes safe spaces/sports etc) but no. My niece is not male.

as for names - i hated my name for along time, but a) couldn't think of anything i liked more and b) didn't want to upset my parents who chose it

These days it seems less likely that people worry too much about upsetting their parents. It is what it is i suppose.

But, tbh, if you really want to be called something else, and you ask people to call you that, it also seems churlish not to.

I agree that gender is a social construct. Its nonsense. Thats why I struggle with trans. What makes a person female/male? Is it how they dress, they act, their role or what? In which case that is society making that decision and if its society, then it cant be something inherent in you.

I couldn't care less if my daughter has a short back and sides and shops in the so called men's section. But apparently people at her school do and therefore they told her she is trans.

What I see when I look at her is someone who knows what they like and isnt afraid to not blend into the crowd. I see someone who is strong and knows their own mind. But I also see someone who, like most teenagers, is struggling to see where she does fit in.

That’s huge! Well done for listening and not gushing with enthusiasm too visibly. I’d have found it hard to stay calm.

A summer dress with DMs and short hair might be suitably quirky for her. It’s a very cool look.

One day she’ll show her appreciation. Deep down, buried under the teenage angst, she already knows and loves you for everything you do. Otherwise that conversation wouldn’t have happened.

She’s incredibly hurtful toward you. We have no idea why she is so hurtful toward you? And why you tolerate it?

If any of my children told me they hate me… it’d be serious businesss and we sort this out immediately because how in earth did it come to this and how do we heal it.

short hair, silly names, black t shirts.. so what, really. The telling your mother you hate her? Um… huge problem, surely.

how old are your children @Jacobs4 ?

I often told my mother I hated her when I was 14. Did I hate her? No, of course not. I hated being a teenager and sometimes I took that out on her.

Now I am an adult and we have a great relationship and I would never say that to her.

My 6 year old sometimes says he hates me when I say he can't have more sweets. Do I think he will say he hates me when he is an adult? No.

Yes, looking at what she got and the shops we went in, goth vibe is where she is going at the moment. That's fine.

I can just about understand a 7 year old saying they hate you - though if this was a frequent thing I would certainly crack down on it.

A teenager saying they hate their parents (when the parents are loving and good parents) is unacceptable in my view. Teenagers are old enough to know better, infantilising them doesn't do anyone any good.

I never told my parents I hated them. I argued with them and went into teenage sulks but I understood there was a clear line that was unacceptable to cross. Parents have feelings too and deserve to have them respected.

Well done OP, you sound like a great parent and that's a great update

How old are you? 12?

@Thismightbeouting I’ve since read through all your replies and do commend you on how you’ve reacted to recent developments - the shopping etc. I was brash before about pronouns due to the wording in your original post so I hope you accept my apology.

You say you don’t understand the whole trans thing - like you mentioned, maybe you could get to know more about this with your child? It isn’t nonsense to feel disconnected, unsure or against the gender you were born into but I can understand it sometimes takes more patience to come to terms with somebody like your child discovering who they are

“Obviously I gave her a huge hug, told her I loved her and she could talk to me etc but otherwise went down the "that's nice dear" route”

Thats where you went wrong. Going along with this nonsense.

Obviously the horse had already bolted if she was prescribing to the madness but you just made it worse.

Do you have kids? If so, poor beggars.

@AutumnLeaves91

That’s really unfair. The OP is clearly a very thoughtful parent and only has her daughter’s best interests at heart. She bent over backwards to help her.

This is MN. Unless you are punching your parent in the face, it’s all considered quite meek really. Then you get the surprised, wide eyed, threads on here wondering where they went wrong as parents.