Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

Leave them to sulk. As you said, you're not someone's property.

Mine asked and I accepted and then he asked my Dad. It would have made no difference to my decision either way but my father asked my grandfather (also after the event I’d guess in the 60’s. No lives were blighted, no freedoms limited. Getting married is full of a gazillion odd traditions, choose the ones that help.

Tell them they’re ruining your happy news and need to stop being so childish. You’re an adult, it’s 2025. This bs belongs in the past. And congratulations!

How annoying they're trying to put a damper on this for you. Don't let them! Congratulations OP 🥳💐

I'd just emphasise that I told him not to ask for permission, and if they'd said no I would have done it anyway so what was the point lol

My sisters husband asked and our Dad said "I don't know, does she want to marry you?", probably not the answer he wanted 😆

Your parents are being unreasonable (and I say that as someone who strongly hinted to my now DH I would like him to ask my father first). It’s primarily between you and your partner so if neither of you wanted to ask your parents then that’s that. I’d ignore the sulking.

I’d be wary of what else your parents might wish to dictate around your wedding though - think carefully before allowing any “bride’s father pays” type arrangements lest they put a dampener on that too.

Your parents are either insane or have been beamed in from the early 1800s.

I would ignore your parents, they're making your engagement about them and their regressive ideas.

Mine asked me and then, as a nod to tradition, asked my Dad but if my Dad had said no then we'd obviously had just have gotten married anyway! I was quite glad he didn't ask them first as I wanted to be the first to know if I was getting engaged or not. It's up to you what you do!

They can sulk as much as they like. It isn't about them so I'd be telling them not to be sexist idiots.

DH asked if he should ask my dad, I said no, it would be ridiculous. I hadn't asked their permission for anything since I was 14.

YANBU. Ignore their sulking.

When my H asked my dear dad for his permission to marry me, my dad told him that the decision was mine to make.

Thanks all. 🥂

@Bourbonversuscustardcream My parents paid for the entirety of my sister’s wedding and definitely controlled certain aspects, due to providing the funds! My brother barely let them get involved can’t say I blamed him.

@DontTouchRoach Quite. I think my Dad thinks he’s Mr Bennett.

I’m very old and was married in the dark ages. Not one single person I knew would have considered asking any father or mother for permission to propose! I don’t know why it’s become popular again, it seems so old fashioned to me (and did I mention I’m old…)

Love this

"For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently."

You use the word, 'controlling'. This is what i would worry about with ongoing plans and participation, financial and otherwise. Don't find yourself beholden to them.

You're absolutely right, you are nobody's 'property', to give away. Outdated and actually, rather stomach-churning nonsense.

Congratulations, OP!

Don’t worry they won’t be paying for the wedding I’ve seen enough 😂

and thank you 🎉

Is the sulk the kind where snippy comments are made, or is the general atmosphere?
If its snippy comments I'd fake cry and go 'i thought you'd be happy for us and be proud that i am my own woman and not something to be sold off as cattle, I have to go' and leave every time, but then some would say i have an ill advised copying mechanism of humour that occasionally comes in handy by just straight up confusing people until they give up. Is this something you could pull off? 😉

This what we said when our DD boyfriend ask us recently.

Snippy comments, especially in front of my Sister and DH 🙄 it’s because I’m so ‘free spirited’ and ‘headstrong’ like my Granny 😂😂😂

They need to get over themselves. It's not the 1820s.

My dad didn't even ask my grandpa's permission in 1980 because he thought it was outdated and misogynistic then. And he's not exactly a modern man.

Yanbu.

It is a cultural expectation, which is why they feel miffed, but times move on and they need to too. If it comes up again tell them to focus on the joy ahead. And congratulations by the way.

Congratulations @Wheezygonzalez ❤️. Ignore your parents until they stop sulking, or longer if you prefer.

What was your grandmothers name? Ask your sister to call you that name and if grandma had some specific phrases she used use them to respond…. Preferably with a smirk on your face… I’m quite petty though 😂

Let them sulk OP, they're being ridiculous.

I married my, now, ex-husband in the 70s. I was a 29 year old woman when we married, of course, he didn't ask my father.

I suspect, if he had, my father would have been really taken aback and probably his reaction would have been 'why are you asking me?' It wasn't my father's decision to make.

Can't believe anybody is still doing this.

Controlling people tend to sulk a lot. The truck is to not react to it and don’t give in to it. They get bored eventually.