Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

By this logic, shouldn't the OP ask her fiance's mother for permission? Should the fiance's mother interrogate OP about her attitude to marriage?

I can only imagine DH if a boyfriend asked him. He’d likely respond NO, on the basis that asking the question makes them completely unsuitable. He wouldn’t say it in a jokey manner either🤣.

My Dad 100% had these kind of ideas but I made it clear for years that I would not be impressed should anyone go asking him. Think he's slightly put out but no big deal has been made, his current complaint is me not changing my surname.

Let them sulk.

You obviously know a lot of regressive patriarchal bollocks (to quote another, wonderful, poster).

So you think a father should be able to withhold permission if he thinks it is a poor choice? Seriously - you think a father should be able to stop his daughter getting married to a man he doesn't approve of?

If you don't think that, then it is performative twattery. If you do think that, you are in the regressive dark ages. We stopped that shit years ago - I'm not sure why some people seem to want to drag us backwards.

We are not in the year 1800 and so no, no man needs to ask the father’s permission anymore

However, it is a lovely tradition to do, should you feel inclined and the daughter is very close to her dad and might appreciate the gesture. My husband called my dad. He was more telling than asking but he wanted to do everything ‘proper’. But had he not done it, I am not sure my dad would have noticed nor would there have been any drama about it. I thought it was sweet but would not have been upset had he not done it.

there isn’t a right or wrong whether you do it or not so your parents are bonkers to be upset about it.

Ha! Tell them plainly, you dont like the idea in anyway shape or form

Back in the 80s we decided to get married. My parents travelled up to see us and dad asked if nowDH had anything to ask him. The answer was "No. She speaks for herself" - something I didn't find out about until quite a few years later 😊

Not sure my dad's ego ever recovered. But as we are estranged that doesn't really matter

They need to get over it and stop making your happy occasion about them.

You don't need anyone's permission to get married and that's the end of it.

If my DH had asked my dad before me he would not have been the wonderful man I thought he was. Somebody who would do that is not for me.

I’m loving all the great replies here OP.

Your parent’s can’t be very old I imagine (I write as someone who is old).

I would want to be mischievous and humorous with this and suggest your Mum ask advice in a post on Gransnet (AIBU) to see what people say in reply 😃

Similarly, I would go quiet on my parents for a bit - until they reach out to you.

that is EXACTLY what my dear late dad said to my late DH in 1974. Personally it didn't bother me either way but I think it pleased my parents. BUT its years ago and I was in my early 20's. Honestly I think your parents need to get over themselves and kudos to your man for doing it as you had asked him to.

Send them a condolences card advising them that Queen Victoria's dead.

😂

Thank you he’s a good one 🥰

Did you make sure to run this by a man before posting?

Let them sulk, don't try and placate them or explain further. It's not your problem, it's their problem! I've been married 35 years and my DH didn't ask my dad for his permission, it was considered old fashioned even then!

Thanks everyone!

I’ve read every post and while I can’t reply to them all, I appreciate all the comments and advice, even the ones saying IABU (which are far fewer than I thought).

I’m sticking to my principals and although I want to make sure my parents are very much included in the wedding plans we will be paying for it ourselves so we don’t feel obliged to have someone else’s idea of what our wedding should be.

It's a nice little ritual even in this day and age. But you didn't want it, Fair enough.

If parents on either side think there are red flags, they should not deny permission or talk to the potential spouse, they should talk to their own child.

This conversation rarely goes well. I know my parents tried to have it with me before I made the mistake of marrying my first husband. The parents will always just not know him as well. It’s worth a gentle try though, but it’s all that can be done.

How so?

No not old at all, in their 60s…

Haha if my Gran was alive she’d make her thoughts known (she’d be on my ‘side’) ☺️

If my dds bfs asked my DH for his permission to marry his dd I know my DH would lose respect for them and refer them to the appropriate dd.

Women are not owned by men or property to be passed on.

Also, are they calling you free spirited and headstrong as insults, because they sound like compliments to me 😂

"thanks dad, yeah I am free spirited aren't I, I love being me"

They are being ridiculous. I'm in my 60s and would laugh if dd's partner did this.

Interesting. What about a son in love? Should we instigate a "tradition" of women asking their partners' mothers for their hand in marriage, just in case they can spot any red flags the boys can't because they're too distracted by the romance of it all to make a good choice of wife?

You should ask your dad how many camels or goats he’s expecting in return… outdated bloody custom