Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

You could say though that marriage is a patriarchal concept though, given the fact it was historically for fathers to ensure their daughter’s financial future.

I can’t really see the difference… If the father doesn’t give permission to ask her, that’s not really any different to say he doesn’t give permission for them to marry after the proposal. Neither make any sense in today’s world.

That's the exact century I had in mind.

Based on your logic:

a) why should it just be the father? Wouldn’t the mother have similar insight?

b) and why shouldn’t the bride similarly be “interviewed” by the groom’s father and/or mother?

Even if you broadly had a point regarding marriage preparation, the fact that this only applies to a man seeking the blessing of the father, is deeply sexist.

Agreed. One of the weirder surprises of Mn for me is how often 'waiting years for a proposal' seems to come up on threads. I don't think I know anyone that passive in RL.

It is a courtesy and a nice thing to do but nobody should be getting in a huff over it surely?

I clicked the wrong button! You are being reasonable, you gave valid reasons and it’s entirely up to you!

Could you not just raise a daughter to be strong and smart enough to know her worth and able to navigate and enforce her own boundaries? Or should she be infantilised to the point that she cannot trust her own mind and must have a man tell her if it's a good idea?

A loving, fully committed father instils these things naturally in his daughter simply by the way he has raised her. Without misogynistic 'rules and ideas' of how life should still be

I mean, sure, when young men had a 'private audience' with their prospective FIL, I'm sure it was about 'red flags' and 'committment' . Not how many cows or fields or gold would be paid and what the marriage agreement actually provided each man. Not the woman, mind. She was usually just the prize to be handed over.

And those who say it's just a nice tradition? Based on what? The days when women were simply property to be traded from one man to another?
WHY do we want to keep that kind of reminder and WHY are young men being raised to believe they should be perpetuating such misogyny?

Raise your children to be strong and confident enough to know their own boundaries and recognise a healthy relationship and are not afraid to walk away from ones that aren't. Where they can discuss their own futures together without someone having to wait, sometimes for years, for a 'proposal' because 'that's how you get married' You can only get married if someone picks you and makes a big deal about 'asking' you. Ugh!

We need to do better if we are still hanging on to rubbish like this. Does such a disservice to our young women especially.

If they are that traditional then they must also be paying for everything and providing a dowrey. Happy days!

Marriage is necessary to deal with the children issue. Otherwise I agree it's a bit outdated. Unfortunately no one has come up with a better scheme to ensure that those who do the lion's share of caring for children, and who suffer economically as a result, aren't penalised for doing so (alongside the children) if the relationship breaks down.

Maybe a better idea would be for unpaid care provided to children to be recognised as chargeable, and each parent responsible for 50/50 care with a set fee for overnights plus compensation for pregnancy and childbirth built in. Partners would log how much care they provided and this would become a debt payable by one partner to another on a relationship breakdown. But I can't see such a system either working or being popular.

if your dad thinks he’s Mr Bennet you could always get the t shirt with the quote Obstinate Headstrong Girl on it. It’s an actual thing :)

So weird and old fashioned. I’d have hated a man to ask my dad’s permission. My sisters husband did and I was so surprised that people still do that in this day and age.

Remind them who will be picking their care home in years to come. And whether they want to actually attend your wedding.

My brother did ask his wife's father for permission, the reply he got was, "Don't you think you should ask 'name of wife' not me?

It's old fashioned, it's sexist and it treats you like property.

Btw, I’ve been married 25 years and my DH knew better than to ask my dad. He did go round and advise him that he was thinking of asking me sometime in the future and dad said “OMG, What if she says no? She has before you know!” (He knew - brave soul my DH.)

Would you advocate for the reverse too, that the potential new wife should need to go to her future MIL for permission and the future MIL should assess for red flags decide if the wedding should be permitted?
What you're suggesting is that a woman's father - not parents, just father - should have more of a say in who she marries than she should, because she might have poor decision making skills. Patriarchal nonsense!
I asked my dad years ago how he hypothetically felt about this. He agrees with me that he doesn't get a say in who I marry and because we agree on that his answer would be no and to warn me that that's probably not the man for me. Which would be correct, they wouldn't be.

Actually in Pride and Prejudice both Bingley and Darcy ask Jane and Elizabeth first and only go to Mr Bennett after to get his permission. So it seems even back then asking the father first was not the way it was done!

That’s very funny.

Of course you are right. Just ignore them, or take the piss if it’s fun.

I'm your parents' sort of age and think they're being a bit silly to sulk about it.

However, my son got married a couple of years ago, he and his wife had been together for ten years when he proposed and had talked about how marriage would be in their future together.

When he decided to propose, he told me beforehand because he wanted to know if he should buy a ring( I said no, she's an independent woman and she's got to wear it for the rest of her life so she needs to be able to choose it herself) and he wrote to her parents, not to ask their permission, but to tell them he was going to propose.

He showed me what he had written afterwards, which was to tell them how much he loved their daughter, what a wonderful woman she was and that the way they'd brought her up had helped to make her that way, and how he would do everything he possibly could to make her life happy. It was a beautiful letter and they really appreciated it, I think it added something to the happiness of the whole occasion.

Maybe your parents would have liked something like that, it was in no way asking permission, but just letting them know in advance.

I gave my parents in law a card the day before the wedding (so not asking for permission, too late by then lol) thanking them for raising my wonderful husband, welcoming me into the family and promising to treat him well. I noticed it was up on the mantle for a while so I think they appreciated it.

I thought it was nice because my husband was doing a speech on the day.

What do they actually want to achieve with this sulk.

He's asked you, you said yes.

Do they want a fake post acceptance "asking permission ceremony"... Do they want to complain to him?
Or do they just want to sulk and be as awkward as possible about everything. I

Or Is it a manufactured excuse not to contribute to the wedding (whilst expecting to have full rights to invite who they want?)

I'd let them stew. If they don't want to be involved, this gives you full reign to have exactly the wedding the two of you want.