Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

First post. said it all.

It's not your DP's fault, you asked him not to... for excellent reasons its 2025 not 1925.

They are absolutely spoiling your engagement with their sulks and manufacturing a beef with your DH to be for no reason other than personal preference.

Its not as if he can fix it now either as what is done is done.. So what do they actually want from you? Their sulking can achieve zero.

You say they are controlling... speak to them very very clearly and tell them to grow the hell up and get over it.... start as you mean to go on. They still think they can dictate your life. You can very calmly and pleasantly make your choices and do exactly as you want, without arguing with them, just do it.

You are about to embark on a new era in your life... you are an adult and have to make your own choices without them overseeing and giving opinions (especially daft ones like this) on everything. And also, stand up for your DP he doesn't deserve this nonsense.

Are you having a wedding where your dad gives you away @Wheezygonzalez ? If so, tell him to stop whinging or you'll jettison that sexist tradition too!

Christ they are my age!

My husband didn't ask my Dad's permission.

Come to think of it my Dad didn't ask his FIL's permission in the 50s.

Let them sulk. Do they think it's 1890?

Why does that need to wait until the proposal? If there are red flags, bring it up early in the relationship.

By the time of the proposal, the couple could have bought a house and/ or had children together so much harder to separate.

When I was married in 1976 I made it clear that my father's permission was not required. I also asked my Mum to make a speech as well as Dad and she did!

Your parents are being ridiculous - best wishes to you!

Tell your parents it could be worse and if they carry on sulking it will be. You could suggest you might opt for a registrant type wedding, arrive together +and walk down the 'aisle' between the chairs together). That your husband will be taking your surname (by depol) and that the formal celebration will be a massive rave/party with a bonfire and fireworks at midnight...

Good grief. We got married in the late 80s and are around your parents' age. The notion that my then fiance should ask for my father's permission no more crossed our minds than the idea that I should ask his mother. We'd been living together for four years by then and separately from our parents for even longer and if we had any chastity left we certainly didn't need our elders to ride to the rescue.

TBH, I don't think my Dad (married to my Mum in the 1960s) approached my Grandpa for permission. He asked, she accepted, and their parents got told!

Are you 16 and your DP 35?

The way I see it, this whole thing is a really rather outdated tradition which came about because, firstly, women used to be viewed as their father's property, and secondly, it used to be unpleasantly common to marry naive, sheltered teenage girls off to much older men, and I suppose requiring the prospective husband to ask the father's permission was one protection for those girls, especially given that often any property they owned passed to their husbands on marriage. Of course, this relied on fathers actually putting their children's interests first which many didn't...

In the case of two adults with life experience already living together, the custom seems fairly pointless and rather embarrassing.

Well they were being a bit silly and sulky but it sounds like you were being a traditionalist as well.
I got engaged 40 years ago, DH didn’t ask me we decided together that we wanted to get married.
Why are some traditions okay and some not?

I'd honestly just tell them to fuck off.

It could be worse OP.

My ex asked my parents and my mother literally replied

"Why buy the cow when you have the milk for free".

Shortly followed by announcing it was a great idea as she would not be financially responsible for burying me if I was married.

Have you asked your dad to pay over your dowry 😂? Tell him you're both expecting a lot.

They are spoiling this for you .

Congratulations!!!!

Ignore them for a bit and then if it carries on tell them that is a very exciting time for you so please do not spoil it.

Your poor partner he must feel like he has done something wrong and that is your parents fault.

You belong to nobody OP and the tradition is outdated.
I have no father and when I got married it was all about who I 'should' have to walk me down the aisle. I said I am not cattle being traded at market. I belong to nobody and this is not a business transaction.
I chose a very good friend who had been like a father figure to me. There was some sulking but it was the right choice for me.

Appalling behaviour. Tell them you are disappointed in them!

my parents are just traditional/controlling.

Huge congratulations to you. I am disgusted that any parent would spike and suck the joy out of their childs most important milestone.

These people are emotionally dangerous. They are incredibly self-absorbed and put their periferal percieved slights over and above their childs well-being.

I am so glad that you 'know' the above - next Q is how are you going to use YOUR agency to manage this relationship?

In my experinece these types never change, double down on challenge and get worse as they age.

My advice is 'cleave and leave' ..... know who to trust with your best interests, put them on an information diet and put in enough emotional and physical distance so they cant continue to hurt you and undermine your own self esteem and your marriage. I suspect they like playing you off against your sister.

I am agast that they are pulling this one at what should be the most exhilarating moment of your life. Watch them get worse when you have DCs.

Dont give them any opportunities to steal your joy and peace of mind.

Gosh, just wait until your parents find out you can go out to work and vote and all sorts!

Congratulations on getting engaged to someone who respects you as well as loves you 🥳

I'd understand it if you lived with your parents, but if you're independent then it has nothing to do with them.

My brother got married in 1966 and I got married in 1977. Asking anyone for permission to marry was something that only happened on period dramas - even back then!

I don’t think I would have said yes, if dh had asked my dp’s for permission. And I’m pretty sure my df would have pointed out that if permission was needed, it was back when he was planning on despoiling my virtue.

You dps are quite odd

I'm amazed anyone still does that.

Mom and dad, I would not marry a man that would ask your permission to marry me.

I would remind your parents that if they want family to be part of the wedding eg your father “giving you away” , maids of honour, bridesmaids, places at the top table, speeches etc then those privileges are also in your gift, and if they are going to be snippy about the asking for your hand stuff they might find themselves squeezed out of other traditions that actually have nothing to do with you and your fiancé making marriage vows to each other.

A bit of parental scrutiny with a few straight questions might be no bad thing. But hey, what do I know?

Not much, evidently, if you think it’s the sort of thing that can be ironed out at the point of asking permission to marry. If a parent saw red flags “I’ve come to asked your blessing to marry your daughter” is a bit bloody late.

Has a father ever said No in modern times? And been listened to?

Congratulations on your engagement, OP. May I suggest a nice elopement, possibly with a few friends as witnesses somewhere pretty? Because if they are huffing and puffing over this, your parents may be a right PITA about the wedding arrangements.