Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

Bah… it’s a non issue. Congratulations on your engagement. I wish you the happiest marriage. ❤️

As a father, I'd actually laugh if someone asked me permission to marry one of my daughters. Last summer my s-i-l to be told me he was gonna ask my daughter to marry him - I burst into happy tears, gave him a massive hug and bought him a beer. That works for me - they're getting hitched next year. 😊

Yes I assume so, this is a whole other conundrum 😬🙈

I aspire to be these things

Not unreasonable. My eldest DD's partner proposed to her about 3 months ago. I was in a mini huff (only in my head) myself as he asked her dads permission. I raised her virtually entirely alone as her dad was useless. So that irritated me. If she required anyones approval, it certainly wasn't his.

It's old and outdated.

That’s nice to hear another father’s perspective and congratulations to your daughter 🥳

Yanbu. My dad has a whine about this every now and then.

He brought me up to be an independent and career driven. He can't seem to understand that the tradition of someone asking permission to marry me is a throwback to when women were treated as chattels.

Sometimes it’s forced on you 🫢😂

Sod that, I'd walk down the aisle with DH out of principle now.

😂 I think I’ve found my twin

I walked down the aisle with my husband.

Of course you’re not in the wrong, and congratulations!

I think Dh might have ‘asked’ my DF - but only after I’d already said yes (in the 1990s) and only because I’d Ok’d him doing so - I didn’t need the permission but he (Dh) is v much a traditionalist and felt it was still relevant. If and when DD gets engaged if her DP asks beforehand it will very much be a ‘well that depends on DD doesn’t it but thanks for thinking of us’ response.

V many congratulations

Same for me. We informed my parents (and his) that we were going to marry. And that was 40 years ago.

DH asked me first and then when we got the ring asked my dad whilst I distracted Mum in the kitchen. He only did it because he knew my dad would like it and I didn’t mind - we still would have got married regardless.

Yes I had this too. My parents refused to come to my wedding. Sometimes you just have to move on and ignore.

ah OP; sympathies...my DM tried to lay this one on me too. My DH never asked my DF for 'permission' to marry me and that put DM's nose out of joint and she whinged quietly to me about it a few times but never to my DH! Funny that...men can't ever be questioned about what they do and why they may do it according to my DM. My DF has never brought it up; I think he would have been proud to have been asked but understood why he wasn't.

And as for the wedding, DM cried a few times, slammed the phone down on me and insulted our choice of venues plus other things, because I did not consult her in the plans. I was 30 when I married and DH and I paid for everything, and didn't need my DM's approval since I was about 15 so I've no idea why she felt she could dictate where my wedding would be and who would be invited. She ruined a few days of my life whilst planning my wedding and it's difficult to forget how she made me feel. What should have been the most happiest of times were marred by her mithering and 'its not fair' attitude...and that's bloody 25 years ago...I need to let it go now!!. 🙄 so be warned OP!!

I'm going against the tide of responses here.

If a daughter has a loving, fully-committed father who has raised her and is invested in her future happiness, then I think it's a good thing that her father should have a private audience to weigh up the prospective husband and raise any concerns.

e.g.
Is the daughter in love with someone who is displaying red flags?
Is the prospective husband committed to what marriage is actually about?

It's not all about a white dress and party. And what, over 50% of marriages end in divorce?

Old fashioned, maybe. But I can kind of understand where the parents would be coming from.

It doesn't matter what he thinks because it's not his decision.

I hated the idea of "being given away" so dh and I walked down the aisle together. It was perfect for us.

My exP asked permission from my dad, they were thrilled and then he cheated and left me with two kids.

My sister’s now husband did not ask permission and they’re blissfully married with two kids.

It literally doesn’t matter one bit. Ignore them until they’re over it!

By the time of the proposal, they’d have been able to do this anyway. However, the parents have no say in whether the wedding goes ahead, so there is no permission to grant. If there are enough red flags that it looks like bunting, it makes no difference.

This! And also presumably they have met him before and will already have an opinion on him 🙄

I had this went my first husband proposed...back in 1986!

My mother told me 'your father isn't very happy that fiance didn't ask him first'...I went fucking ballistic! I pointed out that it was 1986, not 1886, I was an adult over the age of 18, not my father's property and they only person who had to give 'permission' or 'approve' was ME!

Nearly 40 years on and I still feel livid everytime I think about it...

I had also told my fiance beforehand that under no circumstances was he to speak to my father if he was going to propose, the only person he needed to speak to was me. Luckily he already held the same views on the subject as myself. If he had gone to my father first I would have said no.

I wasn't unreasonable 40 years ago and you aren't unreasonable now. Your parents need to grow up and get over themselves.

They're sulking? Let them.

I’m amazed parents are describing their adult daughter as ‘headstrong’.😂 Sounds like a horse! And O don’t care whether we are asked or not by our kids’ partners. It’s their decision-but also can’t imagine throwing a strip if we were asked.🤷‍♀️