Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

@Noshadelamp
Also, are they calling you free spirited and headstrong as insults, because they sound like compliments to me 😂

Feels like it 😄

Yes ‘thanks for raising such a daughter, yoi did well. All the things you’ve taught me are paying off..’ 😉

I love her name - Thomasina - should be the name of your first born DD. She sounds a hoot.

🥹 Thank you thats so lovely! Yes she was a ‘character’ as they say. A twinkle in her eye and such a wicked sense of humour. I look like her too, no bigger compliment ☺️

Not sure why anyone thinks that a prospective FIL stating it’s not his decision to make, is such a great response. Surely the boyfriend isn’t asking if he can marry the man’s daughter, but rather for permission to ask her? It is ALWAYS her decision. Load of old nonsense though imo!

I immediately thought of Mr Bennett too! "An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do."

Your parents are being ridiculous, sexist and offensive. Like you say, you’re not a possession to be given away, and you’re the only one whose opinion on the proposal is relevant. Your parents need to get into this century.

Stick to your guns OP.

I think it's a grim ritual, reminding women of their status as property. A status they may have - just - left behind legally, but which persists across all cultures to an alarming degree.

Other historically opressed groups have been more successful at making degrading treatment socially unacceptable. But misogyny is so deeply interwoven it often goes unquestioned.

(I am fun at parties, honestly)

It is bizarre - it's like the Hallmark movization of weddings and a return to Jane Austen etiquette when women were regarded as chattels and not allowed to own any property/money themselves so marriage was basically a business transaction between the men - father and future husband.

I am in the same generation as your parents - I'm 63 and DH is 69 and married for 32 years. I would have refused to marry anyone who asked my father's permission. My father was born in 1924 and would have been bemused to have been asked.

It's an outdated and misogynistic concept anyway

There was a sitcom years back, I don’t remember which so have added names.

Mum to dad ‘Harry has just phoned. He’s coming round to see you.’

Dad: ’What’s he want? I’m busy.’

Mum ‘I think he wants to ask you for Sally’s hand.’

Dad ‘Can’t imagine why. He didn’t ask me three years ago when he had the rest of her!’

Times have changed.

Same here.

OMG!

OP: tell your Dad that you asked your Dp's Dad for your Dp's hand in marriage and he said no, so you're eloping.

I am mid 60s - and had any man approached my Dad and asked any such thing he (Dad) would have been appalled. And I suspect Mum would have said she had qualms about me marrying anyone who had truck with such sexist patriarchal nonsense!

I don't know anyone my age whose agreement on marriage involved asking the parents.

FFS - why did my Mum's generation bother with putting all that work into feminism and protecting women's rights at all?

There are harmless fun cultural traditions, and then there are the ones that are truly based in sexism - and even 'doing it as a nod to tradition' is perpetuating something really horrible.

IMO.

Actually, scrub that - tell your Dad you asked your Dp's mother for his hand and she said no....

An ex asked my father for his approval whereupon my father snorted and quite pithily informed my beau that it wasn't his decision to make and that said beau should ask me....

Ex may qive you a clue to what the answer was.

I would consider it a red flag if any future SIL asked DH if he could marry DD, and would gently ask her about his views on the split of household chores, children, etc.

I always made it clear that I would not have married DH if he had asked my dad for permission. It’s not a quaint tradition. It’s perpetuation of misogyny.

My husband didn’t ask my dad. When we went to tell them, immediately after he’d proposed (so they certainly weren’t kept in the dark or anything), my mother’s first words were, ‘I hope you’ll give us more notice of the wedding than you did the engagement!’ She probably doesn’t remember that but I’ll never forget it.
You’re absolutely right and I’d tell the, to knock it off!

Your parents sound crazy. I’ll be telling the DP to run

An ex of mine did speak to my parents (it was decided ago) but had already asked me and I knew he was going to talk to them!

Current Mr starfish didn't but I was much older!

What year are you parents living in?

If my Husband had asked my Dad for permission, my answer would have been no because I am not property being traded. Luckily I married a man that realised this and the only person ever asked was me! I feel that strongly about it that had this conversation ever taken place, I wouldn't have married him as he wouldn't have been the person for me.

I would let them sulk and say luckily your partner realises the only person he needs to ask is you and they need to get over themselves. I would be asking why they feel that their permission is required, because people spout tradition without thinking about why this was done. I am surprised that anyone still even does this and hope that its just lack of thinking about the reasoning behind it.

1815?

Don't give in to this garbage. It's not 1825. What happened to feminism. If someone asked my parents for my hand in marriage that would be the end of the relationship. Good God.

Is your father Jacob Rees Mogg? This is not the fucking 17th century!!!!

Let them sulk. It’s a ridiculous tradition. Maybe ask them what dowry they plan to pay

Let them sulk. It’s a ridiculous tradition. Maybe ask them what dowry they plan to pay

This is actually a very good point. We had no proposal. We just gradually agreed to marry as discussions about the future progressed as our relationship progressed. I remember my parents saying it was the same with them. And they got married in 1945.

A woman expecting and waiting for a "proposal" is definitely right there on the patriarchal bollocks continuum along with asking dad's permission.