Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

I think the issue is that this takes the position that the adult woman getting married is incapable of discerning that for herself, and needs her father to sit in the drawing room with him for an hour with a brandy to give him a hard stare and then declare him ratified. It's outdated nonsense along with such a lot of wedding traditions which hark back to when women were property legally, instead of just societally.

It’s very weird. My DH did ask my dad and my dad said “ahh so that’s why you took me to the football… I knew you were up to something..” (DH hates football) and then processed to tell him he needs to ask me, then drunkenly interrogate him about if I was pregnant. We were 19 though and he was very scared of my dad at first - he’s not actually scary he just looks it. Looking back I can see why he felt like he should ask him because he’s very traditional about some things.

I know that for some people they like that and think it’s a mark of respect, but at the end of the day it should be about what the couple want to do. I’m sure for your sisters DH that might have been really important to him, but your parents need to get over it. When my parents sulk I give them a week to sulk and they get over it every time. Let them throw a little strop, I’m sure when it comes to dress shopping and the fun stuff they’ll get over it. If not… two less guests to pay for.

I think it’s nice to ask. Even if he did it after he asked you.

its kinda role for the dad

I’ve been married twice and both times they asked daddy blondes first

He could ask your dad for his blessing (not permission) just to make them feel included. I know they don't need to be included, but a bit of a concession wouldn't hurt. Although it may be too late for an olive branch now.

My DH many years ago did, say something to my Dad but after he proposed, in retrospect it was nice because my DF got ill shortly afterwards and died (quite young) before we were married. My DH definitely didn't ask permission though!

My BIL informed my father he was going to ask my sister and asked for his blessing, I thought that was a decent way around it. But whatever works for you and your parents need to get on with it.

Ignore their sulking. Leave them to wallow and they'll get over it eventually. Enjoy planning your wedding without letting them become overly involved.

My DH did speak to my Dad when proposing to me, but we'd already discussed it and made our decision anyway. I wouldn't have cared much if he hadn't spoken to my Dad at all but think it was nice that they did have that time together.

We don't expect any of our DDs' partners to ask our permission if they decide to get married. They are not our possessions and it is 2025, not the 1950s. All can make their own decisions.

Have they been watching Downton Abbey or similar? Or just sticklers for old fashioned tradition?
Defo agree with PP about them using any funding aspect of the wedding to demand their own choices. Go careful there. It's your day and you should nip any whataboutery in the bud.

Wow I’d be pretty snippy back - not passive aggressive either. Mum, dad, don’t you like dfiance? He knows I’d have said no to any man who asked my dad before asking me to marry him, because I’m not property. So unless that was your sneaky plan for me to send him packing, snap out of it.

my dh knew not to ask my dad!! And my parents would expect nothing less of me .

Both my daughters are married. It didn’t occur to DH and I that our sils should have asked us for permission. Ignore the sulks, your parents will get over it.

Don't apologise, OP.

It's your proposal.

Putting your foot down firmly and keeping it down could help discourage any family fuckery around the wedding.

DH asked my dad as a nod to tradition, but that was after he'd asked me. That was in1985.

Your parents are being ridiculous. But this is only the start. I would seriously consider eloping.

Next time they moan say you are following the traditions set by your granny, which is entirely appropriate and seemly.

And then if they ever say anything again, go ballistic!

I was just about to post to you to make sure you don't ask your father to 'give you away'.

Even walking you down the aisle if it's a church wedding is debatable.

Run away to Gretna or have a registry office wedding. 😉

My DH didn’t ask for permission. It’s 2025 now. You are not your fathers property, nor will you be your DH-to- be property. Let them sulk.

Family fuckery much better descriptor than my whataboutery. 😁 I always thought that was about trying to persuade people to change their mind. Seems it's more about arguments and accusations.

Definitely ignore OP. My parents are/were in their 70’s and my dad always made it known that he would not like to be asked. He said that the only person that could decide was us and we shouldn’t be influenced by anyone; if it goes wrong it’s on us, not him.
My DH didn’t ask and is a great husband (we’d been together 10 years and had two kids when we got married). My sisters husband asked my dad a few months after they got together, went on to be extremely abusive. I think we should all take full responsibility for who we marry.

I told my DH before he were engaged, if he asked my Dad's permission there would be no wedding ever. No man owns me!

Your parents are bonkers, YANBU. The end

Let them sulk!

Also you are doing the right thing paying for the wedding yourselves. We didn't accept any money from our parents for our wedding after seeing what a nightmare my mother was at both of my sisters' weddings. She even had her own music to enter the church to, that's how much she managed to make it about herself. I took great satisfaction in making it clear that she doesn't call the shots because she's not paying

Surely if there were any red flags in the relationship that her parents had noticed, they would/should have raised them with OP. Asking a father's permission to marry his daughter is so patriarchal and comes from a time when wives and daughters were considered to be a man's property.

I'm 100% with you, my DH didn't ask my parents- I'd have hated him to for the exact same reasons you list... He's marrying you not your parents!

That’s really really insightful.

Tell them you respect them too much to pretend to ask permission when you knew you were marrying whatever!

Bearing in mind the whole "love is blind" thing, how many times do we read here about women ignoring or excusing red flag behaviour? And we all know that children rarely listen to their parents, no matter how old they are. So a daughter in love might be more focussed on the romance of getting married than the ramifications of making a poor choice.

A bit of parental scrutiny with a few straight questions might be no bad thing. But hey, what do I know?

Indeed! I'm 67 and I know for a fact that this nonsense had been kicked into touch for all my peer group, so why is it apparently back in favour now?

It's regressive, patricarchal bollocks - and why is it the father who's asked and not the mother? Why isn't the woman concerned asking he fiance's parents for permission similarly?

It's because it's regressive, patriarchal bollocks.

Are they planning to "give you away" too, OP? Congratulations on your engagement! 🌺