Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

[Wheezygonzalez]

DP proposed and I accepted. All good news right? Except there’s been a damper thrown on it because a few weeks on my parents are still a huff that DP didn’t approach them first. Essentially he didn’t ask my Dad for his approval.

Long story short, my Sister’s DH did and when I found that out I specifically said to DP please not to do that as I’d hate for

1. Anyone else to know before me
2. I don’t feel in this day and age that you need to do that because I’m not some property to give away
3. I am a fully grown woman who is allowed her own feelings on this

4 I also fully respect other people have different opinions on this so appreciate the respect in return.

I have told my parents my feelings on the matter but they’re still in a mini sulk. Although obviously still happy.

So the question is, was I unreasonable to tell DP not to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage? Should I have put my own feelings aside and allowed it to please them?

For reference I’m white and in U.K. This isn’t a cultural thing my parents are just traditional/controlling. They also love DP it’s a principal thing apparently.

my parents are just traditional/controlling….

controlling?

I would consider eloping. And put strong boundaries in place. Especially if/when you have children.

Im so curious to know how old they are, as ive got a parent whose like this (i have another thread going) but they aren't even 60 yet - I have previously said things like 'I actually think its more disrespectful to do something traditional you dont believe in just because you feel obligated to' and that shut them up for a bit - they did come back with 'no, its just nice isn't it' to which I responded 'not for me, and I would be the one doing it, so if I dont find it 'nice' then why on earth would the people i love want me to do it? I would never expect you to do something you didnt want to do and doesn't need to happen, just because i wanted you to, so im just a bit weirded out by this to be honest' Which really shut them up, being hate being called weird (said as a weirdo who doesn't mind it)

Thomasin! She was named after her Father so I don’t blame her for rebelling when she wasn’t given a name in her own right 😉

Ignore the sulking.

Keep them on a complete information diet about the wedding.

Start as you mean to go re the wedding snd your life.

35 years ago I would have been appalled if my husband asked my father!

Is it? Where? Because no one in my family or social circle would have done this. I thought it was something from American films!

They're being absolutely ridiculous.
If my husband asked my father if he could marry me I would have been so annoyed I would have refused out of principle.
Though if he had asked my dad I imagine my dad being baffled and saying "Why on earth are you asking me? You should be asking her!"

It's a bonkers tradition in this day and age when most people live together before marriage anyway. Do men ask for parental permission to "live in sin" with the daughter?

Let them huff away and pretend not to notice.

YANBU. Absolutely no way would my partner ask my dad and I'd be furious if he did! My dad would tell him to sod off and ask me, thankfully! Your parents need to get over themselves.

If you've already told them how you feel I don't think there's much more you can do other than completely ignore their sulk and make it clear you're not engaging in it anymore and certainly won't be apologising. Congratulations!

Yes, at most it’s a nod to tradition that some people find quaint… a bit like the bride’s father “giving her away” at the altar.

Though even in the past I believe it was normal to propose first, and then ask the father’s permission once the proposal had been accepted.

Controlling is the key word. Your sister might have been happy to go along with it, but take a leaf out of your brother's book on this one.

If they don't put their faces straight next time you're in touch ask them if they're still sulking about the proposal, and how long it's going to last. Keep them a country mile away from any involvement in the wedding, put them on an information diet and if they ask why, tell them it's due to the unreasonable and unhelpful overreaction following the proposal, they've already taken up too much of your headspace over that and you won't let them do it again.

Early and mid 60s.

I agree with you, I’m not a people pleaser! 😄 I will do things I don’t like for people within reason but this draws the line!

Congratulations! I would tell them very bluntly to stop it when they make any comments. Who do they think they are.

We had same. My now DH asked me if he should ask my Dad for permission, and I said it wasn't necessary, thinking
a) it's not necessary, he is marrying me not them
b) my parents are fairly modern on their approach to gender roles and that i thought it wouldn't be something they would be bothered about.

My parents are fantastic and have always supported me and my siblings without trying to control anything 'this is my advice but ultimately it's your choice and we will be there for you whatever'. So I was really shocked when my Mum said that my Dad was really upset that he wasn't asked for 'his blessing'.

With hindsight, DH could have asked my Dad, made him very happy and it wouldn't have done me any harm. And they didn't make a big thing about it, my mum only mentioned it once. So I'm sad that something I did made him sad and could have been avoided, but I personally don't think it should be necessary nowadays.

No one should be sulking about it though, it was your choice, they don't have to agree with it but they do need to respect it

It’s British, not Amercian, in origin. The reason you haven’t heard of it is probably because it’s a tradition that died out long ago and a relic from the past.

D's fiance proposed to her first she said yes, he then asked her dad and me for our blessing. Happily given.

It’s definitely a British tradition too. It’s just considered old fashioned so a lot of people no longer participate in it. Everyone in my circle of friends either did it or asked permission immediately after the proposal just to hold onto that tradition in a diluted form.

My brother asked his future father in law for permission and our own dad called it a sexist, antiquated gesture he should be ashamed of. (Go Dad!)

He said had DP asked him for permission to marry me all those years ago we’d both be making a mistake as I would never seek parental permission to live my own life.

My Dad is in his mid 80s. Your parents are hopelessly outdated.

Oh gosh this reminds me of my friend’s dad quite a few years ago.

He got in a proper sulk because his son in law didn’t request his daughter’s hand in marriage.

The silly thing was, they already lived together and had a child! 😂😂

How ridiculous. I didn't think anyone did that these days! I absolutely agree with you, I would've hated for my DH to do that, for all the reasons you list. Tell them to grow up!

My dad said that any man who asked him permission he'd automatically have refused as the man would be completely unsuitable if he felt my dad's view was in any way relevant or needed.

In the end we got married without even telling my parents til afterwards (been together years, 3 kids didnt want anything bigger than 5 mins in the registry office)

If my DH had asked my dad if he could marry me my DH would not be my DH and would have been dumped. You are not a possession OP for men to pass between themselves.

How on earth could you think for one second that you'd been in any way unreasonable, just because your parents have some weird ideas and some women, bafflingly, like cosplaying Victorian Daughter?

If he thinks he’s Mr Bennett, he’s wrong anyway. In both the Darcy and Bingley proposals, the couple agreed to they wanted to be engaged, and then Mr Bennett was asked afterwards. Unless he thinks it’s a Wickham situation, where the marriage will be forced you you whether you like it or not?

@Rookie889 very much English tradition (and probably still done in some cultures to this day). I assume in the same vein as dad giving daughter away, based on the old legal position that you were your dad's property and then given to your DH. Assume paying for wedding also based on dowry principle.

DH proposed to me and then phoned my parents straight afterwards and spoke to my dad first, more blessing than permission

@Wheezygonzalez will your dad be wanting to give you away?

🙂 Some sort of guilt at just not doing something small to make them happy. Even though it’s not small to me… 🤷‍♀️

Has been interesting to see the consensus Id thought it’d be more split!